CL Ad in DC - What a trainwreck

[niceandthick]

Yeah. I know it's Craigslist...but I have found some great talent there in the past and will continue to use it as a resource. I saw this recently posted ad, and thought that I would share.

 

This guy seems to be real and serious in his intention, but does he really think that he will get business as posted? He needs a mentor. The ad is filled with poor grammar, typos, weird sentence structure, disclaimers, guarantees, contradictions, chaos,...and the need for you to pick him up. Anyways....

 

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Link to the ad, but it won't last forever. I will include the ad contents as well (it's a long, tough read): http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/cas/5817764219.html

[url=http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/cas/5817764219.html][/url]

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(Almost) certified Massage Therapist.Let me relax u from head2head2toe - m4m (Northern va)

body: big

eye color: Blue

weight: 210 lbs

hair: Light brown

facial hair: Goatee

height: 6'3" (190cm)

ethnicity: White

occupation: Under the table MASSAGE THERAPIST

hiv/hsv/hpv: Negative (&tested2x/month)

status: single

interests: PROVIDING THE ULTIMATE RELAXATION EXPERIENCE TO MY CLIENTS

 

age: 24

 

 

 

Hello..

 

I am a 24 year old college student pursuing a degree, license and certificate(s) in Massage Therapy. I have been doing this on the side since my freshman year in high school, and during my senior year, started taking courses in Massage Therapy to allow me to turn my hobby into a career.

 

I have sev. En. courses under my belt as of right now, and only need too more to be legally "certified" , then must hold my certificate for si. X. Months and take a final exam in order to be considered a "Licensed Massage Therapist " ..

 

However, real life necessities such as paying rent/bills, and putting food on the table, has unfortunately slowed me down a bit while trying to crank out these courses so i can atleast obtain my certificate and be more legit than any other joe Schmo saying they are a Massage Therapist, but dont know wtf they are doing..

 

ANYWAYS... I personally specialize in swedish massage, that will guaranteed leave you relaxed from head to head to toe :-)

 

It just so happens that I am blessed in providing pleasure to my clients in all aspects.. Lets just say, you'll be more likely to tell your buddies about mt services, than your wife!

 

**DISCLAIMER: I do not engage in ANY sexual acts for ANY exchange of money or goods. Any request for sexual acts for money will result in cessation of your massage appointment, AND NO REFUNDS WILL BE PROVIDED IF YOU TRY TO PAY ME FOR SEX OR SEXUAL FAVORS OF ANY KIND ..

~NO EXCEPTIONS!!~**

 

 

Now that that is out of the way, as mentioned i do NOT do anything Sexual for money.. That is illegal and downright degrading.. however.. I am bisexual, and therefore sometimes get aroused during appointments. Towards the end of the massage, if I happen to be attracted to your "member" (call me weird but i am not attracted to dudes at all however REALLY LOVE COCK.. i am sexually aroused by penis. . not males at all and dont find guys attractive by any means.. But am turned on

 

Anyways.. If i happen to feel an attraction towards your penis, i might offer to give you head FOR FREE!!

 

THIS IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM IS A "happy ending" type massage... BOOKING A MASSAGE WITH ME DOES NOT ALWAYS GARUNTEE I WILL SUCK YOUR DICK.. THIS IS COMPLETELY DEPENDENT ON IF I LIKE WHAT I SEE ONCE WE HAVE YOU FLIP OVER.. AT THAT POINT, A VERBAL AGREEMENT MUST BE MADE BY MYSELF AND YOU, THAT THE PAID MASSAGE SESSION IS NOW OVER... PAYMENT WOULD THEN BE MADE VIA CASH ONLY AS OF RIGHT NOW (Working on getting a card reader) AND A RECEIPT WILL BE GIVEN.... ONCE YOU ARE CLOTHED AND PAYMENT HAS ALREADY BEEN MADE FOR YOUR SWEDISH MASSAGE, I MIGHT ASK YOU IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ENGAGE IN CONSENTUAL, NO STRINGS ATTACHED, COMPLETELY FREE AND UN-RELATED TO THE MASSAGE, SEXUAL ACTS..

 

I DO NOT LIKE ANYTHING DONE TO ME (again.. Not attracted to dudes at all..) HOWEVER I MOST CERTAINLY ENJOY GIVING HEAD, AND HAVING AN OVERALL MOUTH/HANDS/TOUNGE/

PENIS/BALLS/TAINT/&sometimes butthole PARTY!

 

For the millionth time.. I will not under any circumstances provide any sort of sexual acts for money.. That is downright gross and shameful.

 

I am a (almost) professional Massage Therapist and will provide an incredibly relaxing, deep tissue Swedish massage with a very high end, moisturizing massage lotion that is infused with essenial oils that are intended to relax, rejuvinate, and heal, your body, mind and spirit.. If you are allergen prone, a non scented plain massage lotion can be provided as well JUST BE CERTAIN TO NOTE YOUR PREFERENCE IN YOUR RESPONSE IF YOU PREFER THE ALLERGY FRIENDLY LOTION..

 

So as a part of every massage i do, i will ask you to sign a liability slip for me that basically says if you are super relaxed driving home and wreck your car God forbid, or have some weird injury a day or two later, this protects my butt from you trying to sue me!! (Because trust me.. You wont get jack squat out of me besides a longgggg list of school debt bills, and money i owe to this place and that place. Well hey. You. Might be able to get my thow sand

Dorrar car off me but thats about it! Haha.. And actually MY CAR IS CURRENTLY IN THE SHOP RIGHT NOW SO I WOULD ACTUALLY NEED YOU TO PICK ME UP FROM MY NEIGHBORHOOD,about for minutes from brambleton town center. I will subtract a few buccs from the cost of the massage to cover your gas expenses of course. . like i said i am a semi professional! I am too classes away from being certified , and like i also mentioned. . bills and student debt and keeping food on the table has taken priority over finishing these last few classes.. And now I am dealing with having to get my transmission rebuilt in addition to the master cylinder that went out on me last week..

 

 

SO IF YOU"VE MADE IT THIS FAR YOUR EYES MUST BE STRAINED SO COME PICK ME UPAND LET ME TAKE CARE OF ALL OF THOSE TENSE MUSCLES AND JOINTS!

 

YOU MUST:

 

-host

- pick me up (from near brambleton AND drop me back off)

-pay cash only and exact change. . i willNOT be able to provide change however i can always accept tips as well :-)

 

-Be. Clean and showered as of today!! Critical!

-be willing to sign a release of liability agreement that will also state what massage package you choose and also will act as a receipt for your copy as well

 

-if you ask me to perform sexual favors formoney, yourmassage will immediately be over and you will NOT RECEIVE A REFUND!!

 

At the end of your massage, after you have paid for the massage and have signed the release of liability,&have received your copyof the receipt, THEN.. AND ONLY THEN. . IF .. AND ONLY IF.. I AM INTERESTED, I MIGHT OFFER TO GIVE YOU HEAD IN A COMPLETELY CONSENTUAL, NO STRINGS ATTACHED, FREE OF CHARGE, MUTUALLY AGREED UPON, MAN TO MAN FUN..

 

 

DO NOT TWIST MY WORDS AROUND ON ME AS I KNOW WHAT I HAVE SAID AND CERTAINLY KNOW WHAT I HAVE NOT SAID..SO IF YOU CAN PLAY BY MY RULES, I WOULD LOVEEEE TO PROVIDE AN EXCELLENT PROFESSIONALMASSAGE AT A FRACTION OF THE COST OF ONE FROM ONE OF THOSE BIG CORPORATELY OWNED CHAINS WHERE THEY KICK YOU OUT THE SECOND THE TIMER GOES OFF, WEATHER YOUR FULL OF LOTION OR YOUR BLUE-SPHERE'D OR NOT!!

 

Come see me for rhe ULTIMATE relaxing experience.. I aim to please and would love to establish a few regular clients for a few times a week ideally... As i am sure there is ATLEAST tooh times a week that your wife wont rub you down, and help you release all of that toxic stress and tension... Am i right?

 

Think of it this way.. A massage with me is cheaper than a few drinks and a small meal at an upscale restaurant, with a blind date who might just enjoy your free drinks and food, leaving your wallet empty, and "to go bags" full...

 

YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPOINTED! ATLEAST FIFFTEE PERCENT MONEY BACK GARUNTEE IF YOU ARE NOT SATIAFIED BY THE TIME YOU DROP ME BACK OFF ... THATS HOW CONFIDENT I AM IN MY RELAXATION MASSAGE THERAPY SERVICES! !

 

Send a FULL body pic and your. Age and stats in your response along with the best and quickest way to reach you, and where you are located..

 

 

Looking forward to providing you with the most relaxing massage you have EVER had!

[+ sync]

[+ azdr0710]

his last line:

 

Looking forward to providing you with the most relaxing massage you have EVER had!

he's got me all stressed out just reading his ad!

[+ Keith30309]

his last line:

 

Looking forward to providing you with the most relaxing massage you have EVER had!

he's got me all stressed out just reading his ad!

 

I was with him all the way - including the sending of a full body pic, stats, etc., and butthole party- but I think requesting that I have bathed within the last day is going just a little far.

[MiamiLooker]

"...IF YOU ARE NOT SATIAFIED BY THE TIME YOU DROP ME BACK OFF ..."

I like learning new words. SATIAFIED = combination of satiated and satisfied

[tennisjock]

omg run run fast and far away

[niceandthick]

OP here.

 

Being the curious person that I am, I decided to respond to the ad to see what would become of it. I wanted to see if communicating with him was as chaotic as reading his post. It was.

 

Oct 10th: I replied to the ad:

Interesting ad. OK, you got me. I am definitely interested in trying your services. My stats...<x>... and location...<x>.,. and the best way to reach me us...<x>... I included a few pics that had been taken with my webcam.

 

Oct 13th: He responds with: Where r u located?could u pick me up AND host?

 

Oct 13th: I reply again with my location and that I could pick up and host.

 

Oct 20th: He responds with: Okay.. I am free today around noon or 1pm does that work for you? My 60 minute Swedish massage special is now at a reduced rate of $75. I offer a money back garuntee so if you are honestly not satisfied as i sm gettinf ready to leave, then you will be refunded all of your money, however i would still need a ride home . Would this work for you? Are you interested still?

 

Oct 20th: I replied late in the day that I had missed his earlier message.

 

Oct 21st: He responds with: Call me paranoid but its obvious the pictures u sent are a picture of a picture off a conputer screen, OR. A bad attempt at a cropped pic off your phone.. Nothing personal, but due to all of the sketchy stuff yhat goes down on CL, would you mind sending me a picture of your finger pointing to that tattoo on your bicep? Random yes, but it would prove that you are actually the person you sent me pictures of, and was able to send a recent, accurate specific photo.. I dont want to waste either of our time, so if you are who you say you are and those pics are infact you, then we can proceed with further communication.. If not, or your camera is conveniently not working or whatever, then no disrespect, thanks. But no thanks...

 

Oct 21st: I respond with: Paranoid, crazy, and delusional. You ask for pics of your clients, which is absurd, and then you call them a fake...yet you haven't proven any of yourself except your poor-grammar filled, bad spelling filled ramblings of an ad. I'll take my money elsewhere.

 

 

Obviously I didn't receive another reply. This young man has a lot to learn if he truly expects this to be a business. I suspect though that he is just a wannabe rub-n-tug guy but lacks the skills to even make that happen.

[+ beethoven]

I wonder what college he attends.