How to handle a persistent stalker?

[JamahlBrandon]

I've been dealing with a stalker now for several weeks/months now. It initially started as a meet on a chat app (I know, I know). It was not business related. We met once. He was nice, but the chemistry wasn't there for me. He became upset that I wasn't reciprocating wanting to meet again. This was 2-3 months ago. Since that time, this person has been aggressively contacting me off and on. Initially I joked with a friend that I have a stalker. But now, it actually has.

 

Somehow, possibly thru ads on certain websites (again, I know, I know...) This person has seen me out and texted me later saying he seen me out, sent me photos off my Twitter that I took with other guys, sent me pictures of myself, Everytime I post a picture he's contacting me. Abusive messages, around the clock, contacting both my ad and personal phones. We even had a conversation yesterday, as I tried to reason with him and tell him no hard feelings but arguing is not the way to begin a friendship and that I'm not interested. Then he's gone and contacted me from my ad trying to set up a fake appointment from the same number he contacted me on before. On top of that, he's claiming to have researched me and threatening to expose me, calling me derogatives, etc.

 

I only been in the area about 6 months, so this is way uncomfortable to be dealing with so soon. I've never had an actual stalker that I knew about before. I just know I want this done and over. He will not let up. I'm just wondering if taking this up thru the legal system is the next thing to do? Restraining order? But who knows what this crazy guy could do to retaliate. If not, I personally lost all of the initial interest in the area so won't be here much longer. But it's certainly making me want to expedite getting to a new location.

[+ harey]

Really sorry to hear that. Probably best to break off all contact and see a lawyer for advice about legal options. Good luck.

[+ José Soplanucas]

If you are already planning to move to another city, just block him and cease any contact with him. And move to DC.

[coriolis888]

If you are already planning to move to another city, just block him and cease any contact with him. And move to DC.

 

 

Unfortunately, when a person attracts a persistent long-term stalker, the best thing is to ignore the stalker then leave the area as soon as it is workable.

 

Another thing to keep the stalker away is to stop using social media. Social media is great for staying in touch with family and friends. But if you acquire a stalker, the best thing is to maintain a low profile until the stalker finds a new victim to harass.

 

Just my opinion.

[+ sync]

You might advise him that his continual harassement is forcing you to consider the formality of a restraining order, which you would like to avoid for the sake of the both of you.

 

I hope you are able to resolve this soon and painlessly.

[coriolis888]

You might advise him that his continual harassement is forcing you to consider the formality of a restraining order, which you would like to avoid for the sake of the both of you.

 

I hope you are able to resolve this soon and painlessly.

 

 

Involving the courts or the police over an issue like discussed would be embarrassing to both parties.

 

Also, you never know what reaction the police will have after they learn the nature of how the two parties met.

 

It must be an awful situation.

[Jamie]

Sounds like hes only stalking you to get a reaction.

 

Most predators do it under the radar, and the ones who do it openly are just craving attention. From the sounds of things hes not very dangerous, unless you feel otherwise you don't necessarily need to contact the LE. But what you could do is block his contact methods, take your ad's down if hes bothering you that much, block his email, block his phone, check your corners and wait it out.

 

If you feel threatened, go buy a form of self defense; something non lethal but dangerous like a stun gun, pepper spray, or foldable baton. Also file a restraining order, at that point if he does attack you or does anything stupid. You will have the means to protect your health, and your reputation with the law.

[+ sync]

The OP stated that their meeting "was not business related."

Involving the courts or the police over an issue like discussed would be embarrassing to both parties.

 

Also, you never know what reaction the police will have after they learn the nature of how the two parties met.

 

It must be an awful situation.

[Maximus69]

sounds scary jamahl

especially since it seems like he found your escort ad and is using fake alias to arrange meetings.

 

I would say temporarily disable all social media your on and block all his numbers, as for your rentmen profile, screen your clients, if your going to have people over your place, best to meet them somewhere outside first just to be safe, wish you the best

[coriolis888]

The OP stated that their meeting "was not business related."

 

 

True, the initial get together was not business related. The relationship began with a trist that was not mutually reciprocal.

 

Later, the stalker learned of the escort's occupation which could very well be an issue if the police or the courts were asked to intervene.

[+ sync]

True, the initial get together was not business related. The relationship began with a trist that was not mutually reciprocal.

 

Later, the stalker learned of the escort's occupation which could very well be an issue if the police or the courts were asked to intervene.

 

Good point. But, in this instance the issue is stalking, not escorting.

[DonaldTramp]

Fuck him up!

[Juan Vancouver]

Sorry to read you are going through this. I just recently went through the same, and even if I am very aware of the huge difference between Canadian cops and US cops, I would strongly recommend you to go to them. In order for cops to get involved in a complaint like this it is important that you state clearly that you feel threatened, that you have through many different avenues tried to make it clear that you are not interested in a relationship of any kind and that the situation is escalating.

 

Do not cower and give into his threats. Don't move out of the area because of him, don't change your life because of him, but don't confront him or give him the thing he craves the most: your attention.

 

In my case all it took was for me to make a formal complaint. A few hours later I had two cops in my home getting as much information about the relationship. I shared everything. This relationship had started from escorting. They didn't bat an eye. For them what was important was that this person was invading my privacy in very aggressive ways and was getting worse and worse. They agreed he sounded crazy and dangerous.

 

When they left my house they went directly to his and had "a chat" with him. They said that if a single more instance of unwanted contact took place they would file a formal complaint and something similar to a restraining order. He sobered up immediately and that was the end of the whole nasty affair.

 

I am a little saddened that for most, their first impulse is to give into fear or worse, to take justice on their own hands. If these two options are valid, then why do we have Law Enforcement?

 

Don't take it sitting down. You deserve to live a life unencumbered by crazy people. You pay your taxes and have the right to use those services. It's for situations like these that the Police is there.

 

Wishing you all the best!

[+ WmClarke]

I have two close relatives who have dealt with stalkers. One had two different stalkers. The other just one stalker but nearly died as a result of a stabbing by the stalker.

 

Go to law enforcement. That's really your best option.

 

Some of the self defense measures Jamie mentioned above may be illegal depending on where you live--research before you buy any of them.

 

Good luck.

[coriolis888]

I am very aware of the huge difference between Canadian cops and US cops, I would strongly recommend you to go to them. In order for cops to get involved in a complaint like this it is important that you state clearly that you feel threatened, that you have through many different avenues tried to make it clear that you are not interested in a relationship of any kind and that the situation is escalating.

 

Do not cower and give into his threats. Don't move out of the area because of him, don't change your life because of him, but don't confront him or give him the thing he craves the most: your attention.

 

In my case all it took was for me to make a formal complaint. A few hours later I had two cops in my home getting as much information about the relationship. I shared everything. This relationship had started from escorting. They didn't bat an eye. For them what was important was that this person was invading my privacy in very aggressive ways and was getting worse and worse. They agreed he sounded crazy and dangerous.

 

When they left my house they went directly to his and had "a chat" with him. They said that if a single more instance of unwanted contact took place they would file a formal complaint and something similar to a restraining order. He sobered up immediately and that was the end of the whole nasty affair.

 

I am a little saddened that for most, their first impulse is to give into fear or worse, to take justice on their own hands. If these two options are valid, then why do we have Law Enforcement?

 

Don't take it sitting down. You deserve to live a life unencumbered by crazy people. You pay your taxes and have the right to use those services. It's for situations like these that the Police is there.

 

Wishing you all the best!

Sorry to read you are going through this. I just recently went through the same, and even if I am very aware of the huge difference between Canadian cops and US cops, I would strongly recommend you to go to them. In order for cops to get involved in a complaint like this it is important that you state clearly that you feel threatened, that you have through many different avenues tried to make it clear that you are not interested in a relationship of any kind and that the situation is escalating.

 

Do not cower and give into his threats. Don't move out of the area because of him, don't change your life because of him, but don't confront him or give him the thing he craves the most: your attention.

 

In my case all it took was for me to make a formal complaint. A few hours later I had two cops in my home getting as much information about the relationship. I shared everything. This relationship had started from escorting. They didn't bat an eye. For them what was important was that this person was invading my privacy in very aggressive ways and was getting worse and worse. They agreed he sounded crazy and dangerous.

 

When they left my house they went directly to his and had "a chat" with him. They said that if a single more instance of unwanted contact took place they would file a formal complaint and something similar to a restraining order. He sobered up immediately and that was the end of the whole nasty affair.

 

I am a little saddened that for most, their first impulse is to give into fear or worse, to take justice on their own hands. If these two options are valid, then why do we have Law Enforcement?

 

Don't take it sitting down. You deserve to live a life unencumbered by crazy people. You pay your taxes and have the right to use those services. It's for situations like these that the Police is there.

 

Wishing you all the best!

 

I am very aware of the huge difference between Canadian cops and US cops, I would strongly recommend you to go to them. In order for cops to get involved in a complaint like this it is important that you state clearly that you feel threatened, that you have through many different avenues tried to make it clear that you are not interested in a relationship of any kind and that the situation is escalating.

 

 

Even though the instant problem is stalking, the underlying vulnerability of the escort is prostitution.

 

Except for certain counties in Nevada, prostitution is illegal in the U.S.

 

Although the escort is under a lot of pressure and aggravation resulting from the stalker, involving the police in this matter would create a searchable permanent record for both the escort and the stalker. There would be created, an official police complaint and court papers forever documenting the occupation of the escort.

 

The escort already said that he plans to relocate. Given the option of relocating or getting involved in a criminal matter is not a difficult choice.

[+ WilliamM]

Another thing to keep the stalker away is to stop using social media. Social media is great for staying in touch with family and friends. But if, if you acquired a stalker, the best thing is to maintain a low profile until the stalker finds a new victim to harass.

 

My brother has written several books, and has a job that makes him well-known to many people. His younger "fans" have set up Facebook pages and twitter accounts pretending to be my brother. He has mostly resolved the problem by doing what coriolis888 suggests above. As with many people, he is different in private than his public image. So he would never take the steps that Juan suggests above.

[Juan Vancouver]

Even though the instant problem is stalking, the underlying vulnerability of the escort is prostitution.

 

Except for certain counties in Nevada, prostitution is illegal in the U.S.

 

Although the escort is under a lot of pressure and aggravation resulting from the stalker, involving the police in this matter would create a searchable permanent record for both the escort and the stalker. There would be created, an official police complaint and court papers forever documenting the occupation of the escort.

 

The escort already said that he plans to relocate. Given the option of relocating or getting involved in a criminal matter is not a difficult choice.

 

Please correct me if I am misunderstanding, but when I read your post it occurs to me that this means that since Jamal is an escort, then he should allow all sorts of illegal offences done unto him -because he is an escort and this makes him vulnerable-. So if someone steals from him, he better not go to the cops, if he gets raped, don't involve the fuzz, if he gets attacked better lie low?

 

When does this end?

 

Just because Jamal is an escort, then he should live at the margin of society and roll with the punches?

 

What happens when he runs out of places to go?

 

And out of curiosity, do you think this is ok?

[coriolis888]

Please correct me if I am misunderstanding, but when I read your post it occurs to me that this means that since Jamal is an escort, then he should allow all sorts of illegal offences done unto him -because he is an escort and this makes him vulnerable-. So if someone steals from him, he better not go to the cops, if he gets raped, don't involve the fuzz, if he gets attacked better lie low?

 

When does this end?

 

Just because Jamal is an escort, then he should live at the margin of society and roll with the punches?

 

What happens when he runs out of places to go?

 

And out of curiosity, do you think this is ok?

 

You lost me!

 

I never said nor implied that he should "live at the margin of society - " and accept various offenses that might happen to him. Where in the world did that come from?

 

In simple language, I said that because he said he plans to move soon, it would not be in his best interest (at this time) to report the stalking to the police and to the courts.

 

The escort is young. If he gets involved in litigation that documents his escort occupation, his "employment" issue could come back to haunt him when he is older and he seeks different employment. Police and court matters are generally public record. A future prospective employer could find the filings.

 

Furthermore, anyone can do a search and find records of the incident if it is reported and filed.

 

Hopefully, the stalker will get tired and leave the escort alone - that would be nice.

[Nvr2Thick]

Please correct me if I am misunderstanding, but when I read your post it occurs to me that this means that since Jamal is an escort, then he should allow all sorts of illegal offences done unto him -because he is an escort and this makes him vulnerable-. So if someone steals from him, he better not go to the cops, if he gets raped, don't involve the fuzz, if he gets attacked better lie low?

 

When does this end?

 

Just because Jamal is an escort, then he should live at the margin of society and roll with the punches?

 

What happens when he runs out of places to go?

 

And out of curiosity, do you think this is ok?

 

Your recommended course of action may not be practical. The OP is in Nashville, an area where law enforcement has taken an aggressive stance against escorting. While you were able to work out your situation through the police in your area the OP may not be able to do so in his area. The police in Nashville could be more interested in the gay black escort than his stalker. They may not bother Jahmal, but by the time he finds out it would be too late.

 

The best course of action would probably be to block and ignore the stalker, with the idea being that Jahmal is starving him of stimuli. Unfortunately it may take a while for the stalker to lose interest because he's reacting to what he sees on social media. Hopefully another escort might have some experience and insight.

[+ WilliamM]

You lost me!

 

I never said nor implied that he should "live at the margin of society - " and accept various offenses that might happen to him. Where in the world did that come from?

 

In simple language, I said that because he said he plans to move soon, it would not be in his best interest (at this time) to report the stalking to the police and to the courts.

 

The escort is young. If he gets involved in litigation that documents his escort occupation, his "employment" issue could come back to haunt him when he is older and he seeks different employment. Police and court matters are generally public record. A future prospective employer could find the filings.

 

Furthermore, anyone can do a search and find records of the incident if it is reported and filed.

 

Hopefully, the stalker will get tired and leave the escort alone - that would be nice.

 

Juan lost me also. I did not want to mention my brother, just needed an alternative to Juan's post.

[LADoug1]

Sorry to read you are going through this. I just recently went through the same, and even if I am very aware of the huge difference between Canadian cops and US cops, I would strongly recommend you to go to them. In order for cops to get involved in a complaint like this it is important that you state clearly that you feel threatened, that you have through many different avenues tried to make it clear that you are not interested in a relationship of any kind and that the situation is escalating.

 

Do not cower and give into his threats. Don't move out of the area because of him, don't change your life because of him, but don't confront him or give him the thing he craves the most: your attention.

 

In my case all it took was for me to make a formal complaint. A few hours later I had two cops in my home getting as much information about the relationship. I shared everything. This relationship had started from escorting. They didn't bat an eye. For them what was important was that this person was invading my privacy in very aggressive ways and was getting worse and worse. They agreed he sounded crazy and dangerous.

 

When they left my house they went directly to his and had "a chat" with him. They said that if a single more instance of unwanted contact took place they would file a formal complaint and something similar to a restraining order. He sobered up immediately and that was the end of the whole nasty affair.

 

I am a little saddened that for most, their first impulse is to give into fear or worse, to take justice on their own hands. If these two options are valid, then why do we have Law Enforcement?

 

Don't take it sitting down. You deserve to live a life unencumbered by crazy people. You pay your taxes and have the right to use those services. It's for situations like these that the Police is there.

 

Wishing you all the best!

In the US won't the cops react negatively and possibly legally if they find out the person making the complaint is an escort?

[coriolis888]

In the US won't the cops react negatively and possibly legally if they find out the person making the complaint is an escort?

 

 

One can rarely predict, with accuracy, how law enforcement will react. This is one of the reasons I feel that the escort should not file charges against the stalker at this time.

 

Face it, there are people (especially in law enforcement) who intensely dislike gays.

 

There is no guaranty that the police would believe the escort, particularly since the escort's job is male-to-male escorting.

 

"He said - she said" issues happen all the time. Each party has his own version of the incident.

 

It is unlikely that the stalker would admit his stalking behavior to law enforcement, if confronted. The stalker would tell his own version of the situation.

 

The escort said he already has plans to leave the area. What is the point to his becoming involved in an ugly police matter if the escort already has plans to relocate?

[+ WmClarke]

The escort said he already has plans to leave the area. What is the point to his becoming involved in an ugly police matter if the escort already has plans to relocate?

Because the stalker may follow. The "paper trail" (keeping emails, phone logs, contact with law enforcement, etc.) builds a strong case for restraining orders (or more) in the future.

[coriolis888]

Because the stalker may follow. The "paper trail" (keeping emails, phone logs, contact with law enforcement, etc.) builds a strong case for restraining orders (or more) in the future.

 

If a restraining order were granted in favor of the escort, and when the escort relocates (as he said he will do), the restraining order would not be valid in the escort's new jurisdiction.

[+ WmClarke]

If a restraining order were granted in favor of the escort, and when the escort relocates (as he said he will do), the restraining order would not be valid in the escort's new jurisdiction.

But it would be much easier to get one in the new location.