Overthinking it?

GMan · January 10, 2016

Hello -

I don't know if this will turn out to be a specific question or just me looking for a push in the form of comments but here I go ...

I am 51 years old and have been playing the part of devoted husband and involved father for the last 25 years and counting. The day I hit 50 I contacted a therapist so I could finally verbalize (to myself and someone else) that I am attracted to men. I won't bore you with the details (or am I too late?) but I have not had sex in the last decade and never with a man.

I never would have considered hiring an escort until finding this site. Reading some of the very thoughtful comments from escorts and clients here has completely opened up the possibility now. Two main issues have kept me from hiring an escort. One is body image; I need to lose 20 lbs (in process) and grow a larger dick (small chance), but more to the point the escorts are so amazing I feel like an absolute troll. I'm an average looking guy with good hygiene but I feel so old and out of shape comparatively. The second is my lack of experience with men, and probably some anxiety from the barren landscape that is my sex life in general. I enjoy being dominant in bed but in this situation I can't imagine having the confidence necessary. Considering I am interested in a 20-something submissive type this lack of confidence seems like an awkward pairing. "Hello, I'm anxious and pathetic. Lets have some fun!" Yikes.

I am dying to know what it's like just to kiss another guy. There are times I want to hire someone just to experience this... no sex, just cuddling, kissing, talking. Maybe this is a better expectation for my first time? Maybe I should be at the gym right now instead of searching for gay porn? Maybe my lack of intimacy has just made me insane and I need to get over myself?

Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

-G

+ *purplekow* · January 10, 2016

Well, lets see, this makes you the first guy with this problem. Well in 2016 on this forum anyway.

No sex for 10 years, boy you need more than a kiss, you need to get laid ASAP. Once your head clears and the spinning stops, you need to decide if you were happier before you got laid or afterwards. Then comes the hard part...figuring out what you want and deciding how to get it.

I recently lost 70 pounds and wish I had only 20 more pounds to lose. Bad body image is a bitch. But funny thing is, i am not looking at me when I have sex...no mirrors on the ceiling, no fucking in the gym posing room. I am feeling me. I am feeling the good and positive sensations that good sex provides and I am enjoying myself. And sex is like riding a bicycle, yes once you learn it, your muscle memory will let you do it again, even 10 years later. As for knowing what to do....with the right guy, he will guide you and then, without noticing it, you will be doing what feels good. The first time will not be the best, but it will be memorable, so you need to relax and take in the sights and the sounds and the smells and tastes and the touch of it all. Turn off the brain and let the body do what bodies do.

So GMan...you will not know what to do next, until you do this first. Hire a man. Take the time to pick out one that is well reviewed and who has the physical qualities which are important to you. Do not linger. Do not over think it. Do not worry about the future. Do this one thing.....get LAID. Step two, well that depends on where you land after Step 1.

By the way, if you tell us where you live, we may be able to make some recommendations on a man for you.

+ *Truereview* · January 10, 2016

What does your therapist have to say about your dilemma? Have you talked to him or her about it?

+ *Keith30309* · January 10, 2016

Well, lets see, this makes you the first guy with this problem. Well in 2016 on this forum anyway.
No sex for 10 years, boy you need more than a kiss, you need to get laid ASAP. Once your head clears and the spinning stops, you need to decide if you were happier before you got laid or afterwards. Then comes the hard part...figuring out what you want and deciding how to get it.
I recently lost 70 pounds and wish I had only 20 more pounds to lose. Bad body image is a bitch. But funny thing is, i am not looking at me when I have sex...no mirrors on the ceiling, no fucking in the gym posing room. I am feeling me. I am feeling the good and positive sensations that good sex provides and I am enjoying myself. And sex is like riding a bicycle, yes once you learn it, your muscle memory will let you do it again, even 10 years later. As for knowing what to do....with the right guy, he will guide you and then, without noticing it, you will be doing what feels good. The first time will not be the best, but it will be memorable, so you need to relax and take in the sights and the sounds and the smells and tastes and the touch of it all. Turn off the brain and let the body do what bodies do.
So GMan...you will not know what to do next, until you do this first. Hire a man. Take the time to pick out one that is well reviewed and who has the physical qualities which are important to you. Do not linger. Do not over think it. Do not worry about the future. Do this one thing.....get LAID. Step two, well that depends on where you land after Step 1.

By the way, if you tell us where you live, we may be able to make some recommendations on a man for you.

+1 - excellent advice & well articulated!

+ *nycman* · January 10, 2016

You are thinking WAY too hard with your BIG head.

"Hi. Are you available next Tuesday for a 2 hour incall"

Cut. Paste. Send. Repeat as needed.

You're welcome.

mattr · January 10, 2016

A good professional escort will be happy to see an average looking client who is only 20 lbs overweight. Make a list of guys you are attracted to in your area, then whittle down the list to only those who are well reviewed. You can post the list here and get some feedback. You can also send an email describing yourself and your situation to the escorts you are considering and see how they respond. You want someone who, in addition to being patient and empathetic, gives you an instant boner. Good luck but be careful. This hobby is highly addictive so once is rarely, if ever, enough. Good Luck.

+ *WmClarke* · January 10, 2016

Great advice here.

My situation was similar to yours, though I started with Craigslist and hookup sites before contacting an escort. And at 360+ lbs back then, I needed to lose a lot more than 20 pounds. (I still need to lose more than 20 but [finally] less than 100.)

Most escorts won't care about your body type and some will even explicitly state in their ads that they accept all body types.

Relax, follow the advice above, make an informed choice, and have fun!

+ *WmClarke* · January 10, 2016

And welcome to the forums!

+ *quoththeraven* · January 10, 2016

Assuming you have the wherewithal for more than one appointment when you've found the right guy, you don't have to fuck the first time around. That doesn't mean no release; you can do oral or frot or hand jobs. (And if it's a short appointment, don't be surprised if he doesn't come. Yes, there are threads on that.)

Body image and looks are the least of it. Escorts have seen all shapes and sizes. As PK says, it's not as though you have to look at yourself. A good escort won't care, and at 20 pounds overweight, there shouldn't be major challenges as to position, etc. Not all escorts look like models, either.

It sounds like once you get into the swing of things you may prefer longer appointments or overnights if they are feasible for you. Some escorts' price structure encourages that; some structure their prices to discourage that. Another item to keep in mind.

Good luck, and do your best not to be intimidated. Escorts put their pants on one leg at a time too.

Just so this doesn't surprise you later on, I am one of the handful of (cis)women active on the forum. Yes, I have been a client.

+ *purplekow* · January 10, 2016

Escorts put their pants on one leg at a time too.

Well they have to what with that big old schlong hanging in the way.

ChrisWydeman · January 10, 2016

The reason you hire an escort is because you have a safe space to explore anything you want. Escorts are great teachers too and I would highly suggest that you hire one to show you the ropes of what its like to be with a man. Be prepared, being with a woman is very different than a man and be receptive to feed back. Men kiss differently, they touch each other differently and the way we have sex is VERY different than with women. You have nothing to loose by hiring someone and everything to gain so figure out what escort floats your boat, make sure they are well reviewed and shoot them an email.

Gar1eth · January 10, 2016

Hello GMan,

Welcome to the Forum. I had made note of your nom-de-Forum when you joined back in July for obvious reasons. I wondered if you were ever going to post. Congratulations on taking the plunge to join into our little tête-à-têtes.

I understand your feelings on how you look. If I had let what I looked like and my general state of decrepitude keep me from hiring, I never would have hired to begin with 13 years ago. Since we are usually our own worse critics, you probably won't believe me when I say that I wish I were only 20 pounds overweight (I'm at least 50 to 60) and considered myself average looking (unfortunately I'm sub-average). I will admit however that the sight of me has not turned anyone to stone for at least a month or two.

I realize it can be difficult to accept someone else's ideas when they conflict with our own fantasies. But while you might find an appropriate young man in his early 20's, my idea is that with you being so unsure of yourself and inexperienced-possibly a slightly older escort with consistently good reviews might be better than an inexperienced really young guy to get you over the initial 'hump' of your first hire as it were.

For example, from everything that has been posted-except really for the age, Mike Gaite might be perfect for you. He's versatile but loves to bottom. My understanding is that he has done some Kink.com videos (I don't watch a lot of porn. But I've seen Mike's video exploits mentioned here on the Forum) where he has been subservient. Chris Wydeman might also be a valid choice. I know from his ads that he isn't strictly vanilla. Plus he, as has Mike, has been escorting several years now. I'm sure there are other experienced escorts who could serve also.

Of course we are handicapped by not knowing where you live and whether you can afford to bring a guy to you or must rely on local talent.

Another thought to at least get you accustomed to man to man contact would be to schedule a sensual massage if there are any providers in your area. That might not lead to 'full service' but it would be a male to male experience, and depending on the provider it might still have a fair amount of mutual interaction.

If you can bring yourself to give us some more information like the general area where you live and in general terms what your interests are, we might be able to come up with more specific suggestions on individual escorts.

As one Gman to another GMan, I hope my thoughts on your situation prove to be helpful.

Sincerely,

The ur-Gman

MikeyGMin · January 10, 2016

51 years old and 20 extra pounds is NOTHING. Only the escorts could confirm, but I bet that makes you a very typical client.

You've gotten some good all-around advice and this forum can help you quite a bit. I would really pay attention to the suggestion that you start with someone a little older. They are almost certainly better equipped to guide a first timer.

I assume what you mean by "submissive" is a bottom. At least I hope so. Because the last thing you need is a truly submissive guy. They aren't the ones best equipped to help you and would be the awkward pairing you mention. You need an experienced, active bottom. A bossy bottom. (which I mean in the best possible way )

If you like them young and twinkie...you like them young and twinkie. Once you give the forum an idea of where you are and what you like, some of the tops may be able to come up with a young but experienced guy who could help you through a first time experience.

rvwnsd · January 10, 2016

Reading the responses to your post made me wonder what I could possibly add, but I thought of something. You lead with the question "Am I overthinking?" I don't think you are.

You've decided to verbalize your attraction to men after keeping it inside of you for all these years. What a huge event! Humans think and feel. Your thinking and feeling shows you are human.

You followed with stating you played the role of devoted husband and involved father. Unless you were not devoted to your wife and involved with your kids, you are a devoted husband and involved father.Being attracted to men does not change that. You are still you.

As purplekow said, if we knew the geographical region in which you live we could probably recommend a couple of guys who could help introduce you to man-on-man sex. A couple of guys come to mind.

Lastly, please do not be too hard on yourself. We are who we are. There are many, many other men who have gone through the same thing as you. I'd suggest finding a men's coming out group. Having the support of men who are in the same situation as you can be very valuable, as can having a safe place to articulate yourself. It can also provide you with a network of friends who can help you through your process.

GMan · January 10, 2016

You're right nycman, especially after reading this thread, I can see how I'm overthinking this to a literal death. I appreciate all the great comments. One of my therapist's suggestions was to find more safe places to talk openly. I've been so focused on everything besides myself for such a long time it's almost always shocking to find so many people who understand. Thanks purplekow and I agree, I'm so backed up I believe it's affecting me on all levels. Really good advice!

The suggestions to find someone not too young - with decent experience, makes a lot of sense. "A bossy bottom" ... LOL yes Mikey, very well put.

Yes Gar1eth it's taken several months to even ask the question. Of course there's the few months before that when I browsed without a login! I have a tendency, or as my therapist would put it, I am Pro when it comes to being hard on myself.

I think getting some referrals for an escort is a great idea: I live in Los Angeles County and I am still at a point where serious discretion is vital. As far as interests; Well I like long walks on the beach and hockey... but that's probably not what you meant I've been looking at escorts under 30, bottoms with a little to no body hair. Not extremely masculine. A perfectly chiseled body isn't necessary. I guess most important is someone easy going enough to handle my inexperience. I don't expect magic my first time, I just want to feel close to someone for a couple of hours and make a discovery or two... or three.

Thanks again to everyone for all the input.

GMan · January 10, 2016

You followed with stating you played the role of devoted husband and involved father. Unless you were not devoted to your wife and involved with your kids, you are a devoted husband and involved father.Being attracted to men does not change that. You are still you.

Huh. My therapist has to keep reminding me of this. Thanks for pointing it out! Living in LA I can't imagine finding a men's coming out group would be very difficult. Excellent idea.

+ *purplekow* · January 10, 2016

You're right nycman, especially after reading this thread, I can see how I'm overthinking this to a literal death. I appreciate all the great comments. One of my therapist's suggestions was to find more safe places to talk openly. I've been so focused on everything besides myself for such a long time it's almost always shocking to find so many people who understand. Thanks purplekow and I agree, I'm so backed up I believe it's affecting me on all levels. Really good advice!

The suggestions to find someone not too young - with decent experience, makes a lot of sense. "A bossy bottom" ... LOL yes Mikey, very well put.

Yes Gar1eth it's taken several months to even ask the question. Of course there's the few months before that when I browsed without a login! I have a tendency, or as my therapist would put it, I am Pro when it comes to being hard on myself.

I think getting some referrals for an escort is a great idea: I live in Los Angeles County and I am still at a point where serious discretion is vital. As far as interests; Well I like long walks on the beach and hockey... but that's probably not what you meant I've been looking at escorts under 30, bottoms with a little to no body hair. Not extremely masculine. A perfectly chiseled body isn't necessary. I guess most important is someone easy going enough to handle my inexperience. I don't expect magic my first time, I just want to feel close to someone for a couple of hours and make a discovery or two... or three.

Thanks again to everyone for all the input.

I would have recommended Alec Andrews but you do not want a perfect chiseled body so that cuts him out. I am sure our LA guys can make some suggestions, but if you would consider a bit old and a perfect body then I would still suggest Alec. He is versatile, understanding and to my mind, the escort of the year, just not here on Daddy's. Dane would be another great choice, he is not in his twenties and there is that perfect body thing again, but he is also versatile and experienced in the ways of amour d'homme.

So come on LA guys, any other thoughts. Also, think about coming to the Palm Springs Weekend. Call it a retreat and you can meet some of the men on this forum and also get to know some of the escorts.

Gar1eth · January 10, 2016

You're right nycman, especially after reading this thread, I can see how I'm overthinking this to a literal death. I appreciate all the great comments. One of my therapist's suggestions was to find more safe places to talk openly. I've been so focused on everything besides myself for such a long time it's almost always shocking to find so many people who understand. Thanks purplekow and I agree, I'm so backed up I believe it's affecting me on all levels. Really good advice!

The suggestions to find someone not too young - with decent experience, makes a lot of sense. "A bossy bottom" ... LOL yes Mikey, very well put.

Yes Gar1eth it's taken several months to even ask the question. Of course there's the few months before that when I browsed without a login! I have a tendency, or as my therapist would put it, I am Pro when it comes to being hard on myself.

I think getting some referrals for an escort is a great idea: I live in Los Angeles County and I am still at a point where serious discretion is vital. As far as interests; Well I like long walks on the beach and hockey... but that's probably not what you meant I've been looking at escorts under 30, bottoms with a little to no body hair. Not extremely masculine. A perfectly chiseled body isn't necessary. I guess most important is someone easy going enough to handle my inexperience. I don't expect magic my first time, I just want to feel close to someone for a couple of hours and make a discovery or two... or three.

Thanks again to everyone for all the input.

From reading this thread, GMan I had a question. Are you really not attracted to chiseled bodies and masculine guys? Because I might imagine from your posts that you want an escort with a less than chiseled body and non masculine personality because of what you feel your deficits are. While there are 'twink' lovers among us on the Forum, I would think that at least of the active posters there are more of us who at the very least like 'twunks' (=more athletic, masculine twinks) ranging up to bodybuilders. I may be wrong because these are the kind of guys I'm interested in. But if the only reason you want a less masculine less muscled guy is for your perceived deficits, then I'd suggest seriously thinking about PK's example of Alec Andrews. Yes, he is extremely muscular and I'd guess 'normally' masculine. But from all his reviews, the chatter about him here in the Forum, and from his occasional responses here on the Forum, I don't know if you could find someone better to initiate you into being with a man.

Since you haven't been on the Forum long, you don't know my history. I was a total virgin. I had had a few non sexual dates with women. But I never felt attracted to them and never even tried to have sex. But I hadn't gone on dates with men either because I didn't want to be gay (I'm still working on that). Finally at the age of 42, I was sick and tired of being a virgin. The guy I picked was a former porn star and an experienced escort. I will be forever grateful to how 'gentle' and non-threatening he was with me. He even had to teach me how to kiss, as I had never kissed anyone passionately before. So just know whatever lacks you feel you have about being with another man-at least you've been intimate before.

So again the main point I want to make is that it would be best for you to be with someone experienced. Alec would be one of the top choices for this. But if you really aren't attracted to muscles-then as PK said, he isn't the one for you.

Gman

Gar1eth · January 10, 2016

Hi Gman,

You are certainly new to this area, but that doesn't mean you're less welcome.

WmClarke is "spot-on" when he writes "Most escorts won't care about your body type". To me that also sounds like what QTR wrote with "A good escort won't care". So within no-time there's three of us writing practically the same. (Hint, hint )

In my case the looks of a client were never an issue at all. What was always more important to me is how someone fits inside his own skin. In other words, if someone is a pleasant person to be with or not. A bit of hygiene also helps. I specifically write "a bit of hygiene" because you don't have to taste like soap all over your body.

Just to illustrate, I remember this client who had come straight from work. He was spreading a clear smell of sweat and I couldn't find it a pleasant experience. I remember another client who had bad breath. Check my reviews and you'll see I'm a good kisser. He couldn't help it but in that case I just couldn't kiss. (Note that I'm not suggesting that you smell like sweat or that you have bad breath, but that I'm only describing a few of my limits.)

Coming to the Palm Springs Weekend, as PurpleKow suggested, is something that popped up in my mind as well. Next to seeing a lot of tempting escorts, you should be able to socialize with a number of others who are, or have been, in comparable situations (and how they dealt with it).

Most of all, welcome to the club!

Kudos, Anton.

Anton-just a quibble-when you refer to the newbie-could you possibly refer to him as GMan with the capital M as I've been using Gman for a really long time on here.

Gman

LADoug1 · January 10, 2016

Huh. My therapist has to keep reminding me of this. Thanks for pointing it out! Living in LA I can't imagine finding a men's coming out group would be very difficult. Excellent idea.

There is one at the Gay and Lesbian Center L.A.

LADoug1 · January 10, 2016

I heartedly recommend Dane Scott in Palm Springs or Rod Hagen in L.A. I think they would welcome you and guide you through a wonderful and unforgettable experience. Both are reviewed on this site. And for the record I, like you, struggled with body image and how it would be possible for an escort to enjoy my company.

+ *Truereview* · January 10, 2016

Ok, GMan, this is my 1,000th post and I can't imagine a better thread to post it to. This is the forum I've grown to love. The forum where ideas spark, dazzle, inspire, provide insight and self-reflection. Thank you for trusting us and welcome aboard!

In our eagerness to see you get laid or kissed or whatever, our intent is not to unintentionally put you in a pickle (i.e. Getting you in bed before you are really emotionally ready). We want what's best for you. Only YOU can do that with help of a professional. Take our "advice" only as input and to help you form alternatives. I think you already know this, but I rather be obvious than neglectful. I think @rvwnsd has given you an awesome idea: a support group. That group at the LA LGBT center can help you become more independent from the therapist - lowers expense and helps you stand on your own. If you need something more discreet, you therapist can help source one.

Now, I will go back to my post further up and elaborate. I do hope you have established a trusting relationship with your therapist to air out what's on your mind re: experimentation. If you can't trust your therapist with this, you need to open up - take that risk first before getting laid. Taking that leap of trust will help you take other leaps. Also, I hope the therapist has a bigger picture than we do.

We look forward to seeing you post again. -TR

mike carey · January 10, 2016

Ok, GMan, this is my 1,000th post and I can't imagine a better thread to post it to.

An excellent millenarian post, M. le Vicomte TR!

+ *Truereview* · January 10, 2016

An excellent millenarian post, M. le Vicomte TR!

And now I've earned the coveted "Addicted" award. I'm now part of the 113-point inner circle!

I want a tiara, roses, and my official walk down the runway.

+ *bashful* · January 10, 2016

Hello GMan. You are not the only 50+, non-HWP (more than 20+ lbs. for me), less fortunately endowed man where weeks, turned into months, turned into years without sex (and never with a man prior). The reasons why are different for each. As I begin to explore this part of me, I've learned that with the right escort, that begins to go away. You feel younger, desirable, have a better body, your endowment doesn't matter (it just feels great), and your confidence begins to grow.

you don't have to fuck the first time around

Didn't want to my first time, and still haven't (yet). Go slow, don't attempt anything that will make you uncomfortable, and just enjoy, and have fun. Rolling around in bed with our arms and legs wrapped around each other, our skin pressed together, was the highlight of my first experience.

Sign In

Overthinking it?

Recommended Posts

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Archived

Recently Browsing 0 members

Contact Info:

Help Support Our Site

Additional Resources