Help...need advice!!

[Mel]

Hi all. I've been reading this particular forum and am impressed with the quality and commitment of folks on here. So that's why I decided to post my question here...

 

I'm a middle aged guy in a sugar daddy type of relationship with a 19 yr old. We met by chance on Craigslist when he was 18 - he'd advertised as looking for a generous guy.

 

He's devastatingly handsome, really sweet, and more of a romantic - he doesn't sleep with anyone else.

 

Ok so I know you're already thinking uh-oh, and you'd be right. I developed feelings for him about 9 months ago. I think of him constantly when my mind is not occupied. It's driving me nuts!! I'm not sure if I'm in love with him - I know it's crazy and I'm a mature person so I realize the fantasy in this. But I'm truly not sure if I'm in love, and if so, what that entails. He emails me every day twice a day and it makes my day!

 

I know I can't have a relationship with him due to our age diff. I don't want to give him up either as it's going to destroy me...I know that if I carry this on, I may get more hurt.

 

I'm quite sure he loves me as a person (take my word please). I'm not sure about anything else. I know he values me as I'm VERY generous, not pushy, kind, listen to his problems, etc. I'd hate to put him through the turmoil he will go thru if I break it off. I know I'll never find another guy like him, that much I'm pretty sure of.

 

I have a miserable life and his emails and twice monthly meetings keep me going. Is that wrong?

 

So my question for escorts is: if you're a younger guy, client is older, is love possible? If client told you he wants to break it off as he's falling in love with escort, but client is one of the most gen guys you've met, would you tell him whatever he wants to hear in order to keep the sugar flowing, or maybe for some other reason?

 

I'd sincerely appreciate any help, advice, a kick up the back side, anything!

 

Thank you!

[Kuriousity]

I am not an escort, but the description you painted is dangerously unbalanced. I am going to hold fire with saying exactly what is coming to my mind, and I will just say this: If you are in a position to get a mental health counselor, then I STRONGLY (I CANNOT stress that enough) encourage you to do so. I suspect there are things at play in this interaction that really need an unbiased set of eyes to view. Good rule to keep in mind when dealing with escorts...You fucking look out for Number-fucking-One, because rest assured the escort will always look out for his interests. Even the nicest of guys are going to look out for the man in the mirror before they look out for you.

 

Good luck finding your way.....

[+ honcho]

Middle aged covers a lot of territory; I believe there was a 30 year age difference between writer Christopher Isherwood

and artist Donald Bachardy, they having met when Isherwood was 48. So love is *possible*, although not common.

 

I think that the response your likely to get from the escorts will be tempered that those who post here are

independent contractors and not in any kind of sugar-daddy relationship (although it's possible 1 or 2 might

be "on retainer").

 

I endorse going to some kind of counselor. (I'm not sure a marriage and family therapist would necessarily

be thrilled at being describe as a mental health counselor, but hey . . .)

[Mel]

I am not an escort, but the description you painted is dangerously unbalanced. I am going to hold fire with saying exactly what is coming to my mind, and I will just say this: If you are in a position to get a mental health counselor, then I STRONGLY (I CANNOT stress that enough) encourage you to do so. I suspect there are things at play in this interaction that really need an unbiased set of eyes to view. Good rule to keep in mind when dealing with escorts...You fucking look out for Number-fucking-One, because rest assured the escort will always look out for his interests. Even the nicest of guys are going to look out for the man in the mirror before they look out for you.

 

Good luck finding your way.....

 

THANK YOU for the reality check. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this and it's been bothering me. I agree, I should probably talk to a counsellor of sorts (many other issues in my life lol). I knew in my mind the right thing to do, but when you're bogged down in a situation, it's hard to think straight. I sincerely appreciate your taking the time to reply.

[Mel]

Middle aged covers a lot of territory; I believe there was a 30 year age difference between writer Christopher Isherwood

and artist Donald Bachardy, they having met when Isherwood was 48. So love is *possible*, although not common.

 

I think that the response your likely to get from the escorts will be tempered that those who post here are

independent contractors and not in any kind of sugar-daddy relationship (although it's possible 1 or 2 might

be "on retainer").

 

I endorse going to some kind of counselor. (I'm not sure a marriage and family therapist would necessarily

be thrilled at being describe as a mental health counselor, but hey . . .)

Also thank you Honcho for your reply.

[Kuriousity]

THANK YOU for the reality check. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this and it's been bothering me. I agree, I should probably talk to a counsellor of sorts (many other issues in my life lol). I knew in my mind the right thing to do, but when you're bogged down in a situation, it's hard to think straight. I sincerely appreciate your taking the time to reply.

 

You're welcome.....and I am serious---find a therapist because you are making it appear that this guy is becoming a life preserver of sorts...and that undervalues your worth as a person.

[BaronArtz]

 

I know I can't have a relationship with him due to our age diff. I don't want to give him up either as it's going to destroy me...I know that if I carry this on, I may get more hurt.

 

 

First of all, you are unhappy at something. Otherwise you wouldn't have initiated this thread. You say you need help. So clearly, there is something you are not comfortable with in this relationship.

 

What you wrote above seems to be the crux of the problem, as you express it. Here is my take on this

 

- love is always possible

- love is always possible in spite of age differences

- you do not want to give him up, it shows you care

- you seem to think there is something 'wrong' with falling in love with this guy

 

My advice: there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of this. Do not believe 'common wisdom' that says you can't fall in love with an escort. Or with a younger man. Your feelings are real. Your friends should support you in this, otherwise they are not friends. Could it be you are feeling hurt because some of the advice you have received? Ignore it, and enjoy every day with this young man. And don't take him for granted. Every and any day could be your last day with him. Just enjoy.

[Mel]

First of all, you are unhappy at something. Otherwise you wouldn't have initiated this thread. You say you need help. So clearly, there is something you are not comfortable with in this relationship.

 

What you wrote above seems to be the crux of the problem, as you express it. Here is my take on this

 

- love is always possible

- love is always possible in spite of age differences

- you do not want to give him up, it shows you care

- you seem to think there is something 'wrong' with falling in love with this guy

 

My advice: there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of this. Do not believe 'common wisdom' that says you can't fall in love with an escort. Or with a younger man. Your feelings are real. Your friends should support you in this, otherwise they are not friends. Could it be you are feeling hurt because some of the advice you have received? Ignore it, and enjoy every day with this young man. And don't take him for granted. Every and any day could be your last day with him. Just enjoy.

Omg your compassionate reply made me cry lol! Thank you for a different point of view (I don't have any friends I can discuss this with).

 

The way I see it, yes I'm not happy, lots of things troubling me but you know us guys - much rather not talk about "feelings" esp with a shrink. I know I'm eff'd up but hey I wouldn't even know where to begin. I'm so unhappy that I'm leading a destructive life and feel that I should take whatever happiness I have a chance at. I know later on in life, when I get older, sex with anyone may be a problem!

 

Thanks again!

[+ glennnn]

If you do seek counseling, I recommend a gay man. My counselor, who has helped me through coming out of the closet at age 72, is gay which meant to me that I could talk about gay sexual relations completely openly and frankly without any feeling of being judged. Although I am sure that most straight counselors are excellent, understanding and nonjudgmental, talking to Ron was helpful and such a blessed relief from day one. To be frank; talking about sucking cock with a woman or straight man would have added a layer of stress I didn't need, but I needed to talk about it. I was also able to establish a one on one, private conversation with some of the truly wonderful members of this forum, and their support and advise was also key to my progress and success. You have come to the right place.

 

I wish you well, and if I can be of service, helping you would help me to repay the debt I owe to Daddy and his minions. My heart goes out to you.

[+ glennnn]

Mel,

I sent you a private message. Check your inbox.

[stop]

Mel

 

First off, I commend you for the courage it must have taken you to write this thread. I take it from your post you have been struggling with this issue for awhile. I would not focus on the age issue. If he was legal when you met and you are both consenting adults then the age issue doesn't matter. that said as others have indicated it seems like there is an underlying issue that is bubbling up here that needs to be addressed.

 

I don't know where you live but most major metropolitan areas have gay and lesbian centers and organizations that can provide mental health assistance and counseling for little or no cost. assistance could be via group sessions, peer counseling or professional therapists. without giving away personal information about yourself if you are not sure if how to find help if you want to indicate a major metropolitan area near you, then I am sure somebody on the board can help with possible gay services. you took the first step and asked for help and there are people out there willing to help you get through this.

[abc645351]

I would say it's completely possible for you two to be in love. The heart doesn't refuse loving someone because there's an age difference, that's something with the brain. I would try to change the sugar daddy relationship into a regular relationship and see if you have the same feelings and he has the same feelings for you. If you both still love each other then it sounds like real love, not based on sugar daddy relationship. I definitely would not end things since it sounds like it's making both of you happy. After you transition out of the sugar daddy into a regular relationship, if you both still love each other then it's probably real. You need to take this step to find out if he loves you for you or if he loves you for your money. Once you determine this, you'll know that you can spoil him not because you have to to keep him around, but because you love him and you want to. Wishing you all the best luck with whatever path you take

[LADoug1]

I have a miserable life

I believe that a person should be content and hopefully happy on their own and not rely on others to make their life complete. I endorse others who have recommended therapy. PM me for a referral who hopefully can help you find a great therapist in your area. He's my guru.

[MikeyGMin]

I figured you'd get some "give love a chance" responses, but for your own sanity you should really consider the tough love answers you have received. Get some counseling and prepare to disengage.

 

He was a child advertising on Craigslist for a sugar daddy. You only see him twice a month. Do you really believe in your heart of hearts that he isn't sleeping with anyone else? The chances of a 19-year-old who is savvy enough to get a sugar daddy not having other benefactors, or at least fooling around with his peer group, are extremely remote.

 

It sounds like you are lonely and you obviously like 'em young. He has you enchanted, but almost certainly, no matter how much he genuinely likes you, the relationship will end when the financial support ends. It's not a real relationship.

 

If you were happy and content with the arrangement it would be a different matter. I would say just enjoy the ride. But you can't fall in love with an "arrangement" and expect a positive outcome.

[Tigger]

First of all, you are unhappy at something. Otherwise you wouldn't have initiated this thread. You say you need help. So clearly, there is something you are not comfortable with in this relationship.

 

What you wrote above seems to be the crux of the problem, as you express it. Here is my take on this

 

- love is always possible

- love is always possible in spite of age differences

- you do not want to give him up, it shows you care

- you seem to think there is something 'wrong' with falling in love with this guy

 

My advice: there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of this. Do not believe 'common wisdom' that says you can't fall in love with an escort. Or with a younger man. Your feelings are real. Your friends should support you in this, otherwise they are not friends. Could it be you are feeling hurt because some of the advice you have received? Ignore it, and enjoy every day with this young man. And don't take him for granted. Every and any day could be your last day with him. Just enjoy.

 

Omg your compassionate reply made me cry lol! Thank you for a different point of view (I don't have any friends I can discuss this with).

 

The way I see it, yes I'm not happy, lots of things troubling me but you know us guys - much rather not talk about "feelings" esp with a shrink. I know I'm eff'd up but hey I wouldn't even know where to begin. I'm so unhappy that I'm leading a destructive life and feel that I should take whatever happiness I have a chance at. I know later on in life, when I get older, sex with anyone may be a problem!

 

Thanks again!

 

Mel, as much as BaronArtz wanted to show you that love is possible, I'm going to have to rain on the parade. I'm not saying he is totally wrong. But the odds against being able to sustain this type of relationship are astronomically against it. I have great fears if you follow his advice that you and the young man may end up hurt and damaged.

 

A little story-I have a male cousin who when he was around 23 started going out with a 16 year old high school girl. They went together for a year, and she became pregnant. They said they were in love-and I believed them. And they had the baby. Now the girl-whom I'm going to call a woman now-was a book smart type of person. My cousin not so much. But he loved her. The girl managed to finish high school and went to college and earned her bachelors. They remained married for about 6 or 7 years. But somewhere around that time, she outgrew my cousin. What happened was the high school girl fell in love with my cousin. But as an adult they weren't really compatible.

 

While May December relationships can work, I'd say in our culture the majority don't last. This young man you are with what does he know about the world at large.

 

Another point I want to bring up-I'm perfectly willing to believe your feelings are true. But that is what can be the downside of our little hobby. You are obviously attracted to this guy. And he is giving you pleasure. Why wouldn't you develop feelings for him? But it's a dangerous road to go down especially if you feel the rest of your life isn't going well. But that's an awfully big burden to place on this young man's shoulders, to be the one major bright spot in your life.

 

I think counseling is a great idea. I don't know that it has to be a gay counselor. I've gone back and forth on whether I would do better with a straight or a gay counselor. A friend of mine always picks a female counselor. I don't know whether they are always gay or not. But he's spared from any possibility of being attracted to a woman. Whereas I've had several gay male counselors who I thought were fairly hunky. And while I've never done anything or even fantasized about them, I have been attracted to them.

[+ Truereview]

Hey Mel, I'm going to take a stab at this thru a different angle. I do agree you need to seek a professional to help you sort this out, but in the end, only YOU and the young man who is the object of your affection can solve it.

 

I fell in love at 23 with a man 20 years older, I really had a hard time reconciling my feelings for him with what my family, friends and society messaged me. I fell in love with his wisdom, his giddiness to be with me, his appreciation, his bedside manner, his being so comfortable in his own skin, and his ability to be totally and absolutely vulnerable and to live in the moment...with me. He was an average looking man who became extraordinarily good looking and sexy (to me) the minute he opened his mouth to talk and his heart to love me.

 

I knew that I needed to mature emotionally to truly understand the magnitude of our possibilities together. Yet, I just gave in to my feelings - fuck reason! I was obstinate on one thing: i never depended on him financially (despite many ramen dinners several days in row! ). I do believe that my refusing financial assistance helped our relationship blossom in equal emotional terms. He followed me to Europe where I went for grad school, and we got married in the Netherlands. We were partnered for 4 magical years. he died in a car accident. This devastated me. I almost spun out of control bc in my inexperienced and young perspective, we were to be happily ever after. Incidentally, an escort - whom I still see today - saved me from my own spiral.

 

10 years later, I'm here in this forum, learning to trust again, hiring with a discerning eye, a little wounded still, more than imperfect, but a firm believer that exceptions can happen, that you must operate in the gray, that open and honest communication is the key, and that help comes to you in many ways - you just have to balance reason with feelings.

 

May the two of you design your own path, - TR

[Reluctant Daddy]

Truereview, I am truly sorry for your loss. *hugs*

[+ Truereview]

Truereview, I am truly sorry for your loss. *hugs*

Thanks! You are a sweetie. I'm at a point here where my loss is transforming to a gain - in a weird sort of way?

 

Anyway, My intent is for us to focus on Mel and the young man. Loving the good energy in this thread and different perspectives.

[+ Lance_Navarro]

This is a classic example of codependency. It worries me that you state that you have a "miserable life", and that his messages are what fills that void each day. There is no chance of sharing love with another until you come to love yourself. Relationships with big age gaps can definitely work, my partner is 20 years older than me, but at 19 years old, there is a lot of learning and growing up to be done. As many have already stated, I would encourage you to speak with a therapist and probably consider dissolving the relationship, as you NEED to focus on creating your own happiness.

[Reluctant Daddy]

I can completely empathize with Mel's situation, so I have no sage advice at all. I really hope that whatever he does works out well for both him and his friend.

[+ not2rowdy]

Edit: Client here.

 

Your situation is not much different from similar ones that have been discussed previously on the forum. I don’t think there is anything particularly unusual about it. I’ll even go out on a limb and say I don’t think you are crazy.

 

You are a “middle aged” sugar daddy.

- (who is lonely and living “a miserable life”)

 

In a new relationship with a much younger man.

- (who advertised on CL for a generous guy)

- (who says he doesn’t sleep with anyone else) - could even be true…but…

 

Now you think you are in love.

Actually it’s likely more infatuation then love.

 

Sorry - but it’s ALL about the money on his part. Even if there is an attraction on his part.

- If your “VERY generous” incentives were to stop - so would the relationship.

 

But - your relationship is not necessarily a bad thing - as long as you recognize the REAL situation.

 

Can you continue the relationship? Sure.

And you can continue with your generosity.

And you can enjoy the arrangement.

 

But relationships change with time. Just realize this relationship WILL change at some point in the future. And it’s almost certain you will go your separate ways. When that happens do what you can to make it a amiable separation.

[+ Truereview]

Edit: Client here.

 

Your situation is not much different from similar ones that have been discussed previously on the forum. I don’t think there is anything particularly unusual about it. I’ll even go out on a limb and say I don’t think you are crazy.

 

You are a “middle aged” sugar daddy.

- (who is lonely and living “a miserable life”)

 

In a new relationship with a much younger man.

- (who advertised on CL for a generous guy)

- (who says he doesn’t sleep with anyone else) - could even be true…but…

 

Now you think you are in love.

Actually it’s likely more infatuation then love.

 

Sorry - but it’s ALL about the money on his part. Even if there is an attraction on his part.

- If your “VERY generous” incentives were to stop - so would the relationship.

 

But - your relationship is not necessarily a bad thing - as long as you recognize the REAL situation.

 

Can you continue the relationship? Sure.

And you can continue with your generosity.

And you can enjoy the arrangement.

 

But relationships change with time. Just realize this relationship WILL change at some point in the future. And it’s almost certain you will go your separate ways. When that happens do what you can to make it a amiable separation.

I agree with this and the key is to figure out whether the relationship is driven by monetary interest alone, or has something also changed for the young man? This is not just about the client. Hence, I really encourage the client to seek professional help!

[Mel]

I'm am truly humbled by the amazing folks on this forum. I sincerely appreciate the advice I've received and I am sorry I can't thank each one of you individually, but please know you have helped one person for sure. I am grateful for your replies, insight, scolding, reality checks, support, suggestions.

 

I've decided to find a gay therapist and take it from there. As for my friend, I don't want to stop seeing him just yet. I will change our relationship whereby I'll ask him not to email me every day - I know that will def help. I will see a couple of other guys and see if that takes my mind off him. I need to find a hobby and friends!!

 

In appreciation..

[+ not2rowdy]

Mel - I was going to PM this but decided to just throw it out for all the members to see.

 

Do a mix of “follow your heart” and “use common sense”.

 

I was in a similar situation as you when I first started hiring.

In my case it was a 20yo who had just put up an ad on RentBoy.

His motivating factor was he was struggling financially.

 

I had a “puppy love crush” on him. Wonderful young man with a great personality.

But we lived quite some distance apart from each other. So meetings were infrequent.

Because of that our relationship evolved to more of a mentoring relationship.

 

I advised him on his advertising. I advised him on financial matters. I advised him education goals. As an older person I see it as a responsibility to give advice to younger people. And he was, and continues to be, appreciative.

 

From conversations I knew he had other benefactors. Some of whom were able to provide more financial support than my resources would allow. That was ok, and even encouraged, by me. I was not in a position to be a serious financial sugar daddy.

 

Our relationship now is platonic. He seems to be happy in life. He no longer advertises. His writing skills have improved immensely. He now has a good, full time job. With health benefits.

 

I am very proud of his progress. I like to think I might have played a small role in that success. There is great satisfaction in that to me.

 

Hopefully your guy is not a substance abuser because that would certainly change my advice to you.

 

But if he’s a good person, maybe just going through those typical young adult struggles (starving student?) then, by all means, continue to see him. There isn’t anything wrong with the daily emails either. If fact asking him to reduce them might send a signal you may not want to send just yet. It’s possible they are just as important to him as they are to you. Good subject for discussion when you next meet.

 

If you want a hobby consider this idea. Do what you’re doing. Work with this young man (and starving student types) and help guide them through their struggles. Mentor him (them) towards becoming a productive member of society.

 

With future connections I would suggest pulling back some on being “VERY generous” with your incentives. But be fair and reliable. There will be successes and, probably, failures. But the successes feel good and give purpose to your time and efforts.

 

Feel free to PM me.

[+ purplekow]

Me! I think you need to work on why your life is miserable. I see no reason to stop your visits with this young man, if they make you happy and you can afford them. Working on your own life though would seem to be the priority. So, cut back on the time spent thinking and moping about this young man. Control your interactions with him whether they are in person or by electronic communication. Do the work on yourself. Enjoy the time you spend with him and start to enjoy yourself when you are not spending time with him. Above all else, do not stay static.

I would also consider cutting back the frequency of your contact with him and see what type of reaction he has. This may give you a clearer idea of the nature of his feelings about the relationship. Skip a session or push it back a week or make it for one evening not overnight or some such and cut the payment back appropriately