Question for escorts, does it all fuck up your mind?

[jcmiami1]

I'm posing this rather "out there" question to escorts directly just based on a conversation I had with a friend this past weekend. We were discussing escorts. One of the points he had was long term "emotional damage" to escorts due to dealing with all kinds of men and their sexual requests, having to disconnect emotionally regularly to deal with certain clients. With all the wackos out there now, I can't imagine what escorts have seen.

[BaronArtz]

In most cases, yes. In NY, Callan Lorde Community Health Center (http://callen-lorde.org/) organizes group discussion therapy sessions for escorts who are, for various reasons, clueless about how to leave the profession. It can be a real heart break hearing what is being discussed.

 

Think about what may drive people into this career. Often it is child abuse, growing up in a homophobic family, homelessness, drug or alcohol dependency and the lure of 'easy' money. Most guys (and girls) doing it had their mind fucked up before even starting to escort. Even for somebody in a stable mental state, the constant worry about 'will he show up?, 'will he attempt to abuse me?', 'will I get paid?' and so on is a continuous source of stress.

 

And then, as always, there are the exceptions. But there are not many of them.

[Guest ChrisW]

In most cases, yes. In NY, Callan Lorde Community Health Center (http://callen-lorde.org/) organizes group discussion therapy sessions for escorts who are, for various reasons, clueless about how to leave the profession. It can be a real heart break hearing what is being discussed.

 

Think about what may drive people into this career. Often it is child abuse, growing up in a homophobic family, homelessness, drug or alcohol dependency and the lure of 'easy' money. Most guys (and girls) doing it had their mind fucked up before even starting to escort. Even for somebody in a stable mental state, the constant worry about 'will he show up?, 'will he attempt to abuse me?', 'will I get paid?' and so on is a continuous source of stress.

 

And then, as always, there are the exceptions. But there are not many of them.

To what do you base these sweeping generalizations on?

[adannyboy]

It does get stressful. Having a good self care routine and an outlet to talk to other can help ease the stress sometimes. Having a plan of action to balance the feast (weeks when we're getting ALL the calls and making lots) and the famine (no shows, slow days/weeks/months) can help too.

 

Admittedly, there have been times where I wanted to hang up my jockstrap and quit. I've been lucky to have a great base of gentlemen who I enjoy seeing and my positive experiences outweigh the negative ones. Doing things like the Palm Springs weekend where I get to connect with other guys and chat about the hard things energizes me.

 

There are orgs where people can go and talk. The Callen-Lorde group, Persist Health Project and HOOK are great ones in NYC. HOOK has started doing regular classes in DC and we'll restart LA soon. Local SWOP chapters will never turn you away either, though historically they've been made up mostly of cis women.

 

If anything, id have that person reach out to someone else in the industry. There are many who are in it for #1 and don't want to be bothered by someone else, but there are countless others who would welcome the discussions and find value in it for themselves too.

[Oliver Lee Martin]

As a john, I always figured that for every hour I've paid for sex would equal at least two hours of therapy while for the escort it's likely a one to three ratio. Sex work from both sides of the coin isn't exactly the most emotionally or mentally fulfilling honestly. It's an escapist experience.

[+ DickyF]

Thanks for that insightful reply! I'm guilty of using gay male escorts ( thus why I'm on this site lol) but I'm respectful always cause in the end they're people trying to make a living. I'm sure these guys are probably treated like scum more often than not.

An escort I hooked up with a few days back kind of gave me a bit of insight into his life and it's scary. Yea this guy was high on weed but also more revealing. This guy was technically homeless living in one of those no tell motels where I met him, he hinted on it but never said it but it was all too obvious. The guy said it causes him a lot of anxiety when there are no shows because it basically means no income for that day - or days. He said we clients have it easy cause we see their pics, the escorts have no idea what's going to show up at the door. He told me he had to refuse some guys due to poor hygiene, being seriously strung out or when he got a sense the client could turn around and be abusive. He did say something which really got to me, he said " I got to take care of myself doing this because "they all"(meaning clients) don't give a shit about me in the end" YIKES!

That's a sad situation you describe. However it doesn't match really any of the pros I've hired. They are often college boys and all had nice apartments and cars. One was a high school teacher. Some have invited me on to their LinkedIn or FB sites. Because of the Internet they don't need to walk the streets. I'm sure some of them have drug or alcohol problems or get depressed. But so do some lawyers.

I think because of the Internet it's so much easier for respectable people to partake that the risk level and desperation have gone down. That includes the use of this forum.

Certainly the job might require you doing something you'd rather not but that's true for any job! I know you need a stomach to be a pro.

I know there are still streetwalkers. I see them rarely here in DC- women anyway.

If it weren't for the Internet I don't know what I'd being doing. I'd be too embarrassed to go to a hustler bar and too scared to cruise the streets.

 

BTW Im reminded of a great movie: Mysterious Skin with Joseph Gordon-Levett playing a rural hustler. Highly recommend.

[Rudynate]

I have also talked to escorts who went into it after the financial crash in 2008 and wished they had known years before what a great way it is to make a living.

[Becket]

Whew! BaronArtz.

 

1. If what you say is even partially true, how dastardly are the guys like me who frequent this site and support this life and lifestyle?

2. "Most had their mind fucked up?" Of course. And most gay men are child molesters who lisp and wear panty hose because mommy was too overbearing.

 

Sweeping generalizations indeed.

[+ poolboy48220]

In most cases, yes. In NY, Callan Lorde Community Health Center (http://callen-lorde.org/) organizes group discussion therapy sessions for escorts who are, for various reasons, clueless about how to leave the profession. It can be a real heart break hearing what is being discussed.

 

Think about what may drive people into this career. Often it is child abuse, growing up in a homophobic family, homelessness, drug or alcohol dependency and the lure of 'easy' money. Most guys (and girls) doing it had their mind fucked up before even starting to escort. Even for somebody in a stable mental state, the constant worry about 'will he show up?, 'will he attempt to abuse me?', 'will I get paid?' and so on is a continuous source of stress.

 

And then, as always, there are the exceptions. But there are not many of them.

One thing to keep in mind is that the escorts who are not having any issues with the profession are probably not attending these group therapy sessions. The sample's going to be skewed.

 

"85% of people who bother to answer phone surveys feel that..."

[BaronArtz]

Yes, there are problems with generalizations. That is why I said that there exceptions - read the entire post. You can't sweep the obvious issues under the rug though. I hire escorts, and have no problem doing it. But I am also aware of what the issues may be on the other side of the bed and try to be tactful about it. That's all.

[Rudynate]

Yes, there are problems with generalizations. That is why I said that there exceptions - read the entire post. You can't sweep the obvious issues under the rug though. I hire escorts, and have no problem doing it. But I am also aware of what the issues may be on the other side of the bed and try to be tactful about it. That's all.

 

In fact, the last guy I got together with - charming man, nice to be with, handsome, and SO broken.

[BaronArtz]

... charming man, nice to be with, handsome, and SO broken.

 

What do you mean?

[Kevin Slater]

Yes, there are problems with generalizations. That is why I said that there exceptions - read the entire post.

 

But you also tried to quantify it:

And then, as always, there are the exceptions. But there are not many of them.

 

Chris asks a good point: where do you get your data?

 

Kevin Slater

[Guest Starbuck]

Yes, there are problems with generalizations. That is why I said that there exceptions - read the entire post. You can't sweep the obvious issues under the rug though. I hire escorts, and have no problem doing it. But I am also aware of what the issues may be on the other side of the bed and try to be tactful about it. That's all.

 

You DID say there are exceptions, but that "THERE ARE NOT MANY OF THEM."

 

You also said that "MOST" guys (and girls) who escort "HAD THEIR MINDS FUCKED UP BEFORE EVEN STARTING TO ESCORT."

 

I think your intention may be to show compassion, but what your post expresses (to my reading) is a mighty harsh judgment -- an asssessment of "MOST" escorts as damaged people, as victims.

 

If you believe this, I personally can't understand how you can write, "I hire escorts, and have no problem doing it." I know I couldn't do it if I believed that.

 

But I've seen no indication that your assessment of "MOST" escorts applies to ANY of the men I've hired. Some have other professional jobs. Some have graduate degrees. Some are among the funniest, friendliest, most interesting guys I've ever met. They actually seem remarkably sane, healthy and well -grounded.

[+ Chris Eisenhower]

Wow.

 

I've tried formulating a response to this question and I just... can't.

 

Moving on.

[ZhenXBear]

I can't comment beyond the limited interactions I've had. It saddens me to think that there are clients out there who are creating that level of anxiety in people (e.g. Will he show up, will he pay, will he abuse me) by exhibiting that behavior and creating feelings of distrust and fear, but given the recent discussion about the man who committed forgery and wrote bogus checks, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, no matter how alien the actions seem to me or how far they go out of bounds of my own moral compass.

 

All I can ever hope for in my interactions with any Escort is that I outwardly project who I am and that my intentions are genuine and worthy of trust. If I have to prove that incrementally then so be it.

 

I would be saddened beyond measure if I ever was told that I invoked negative emotions in someone or created anxiety to that level.

[Rudynate]

What do you mean?

 

 

Actually not, now that I think about it. He's had a lot of misfortune and isn't doing badly in the face of it.

[jcmiami1]

Wow this post hit some nerves out there! Anyways it appears the replies took to the path of "why someone would want to become an escort" route. The question is really for those escorts who have been doing it for a while and has it affected your perspective on men, relationships, dating, sex, etc - outside of the escort work.

[Guest ChrisW]

Think about what may drive people into this career. Often it is child abuse, growing up in a homophobic family, homelessness, drug or alcohol dependency and the lure of 'easy' money. .

In all fairness its true I got so desperate a few months back I sold my kidney for meth

[doitb4ugo]

In all fairness its true I got so desperate a few months back I sold my kidney for meth

And being the lucky guy who won the lottery for it, I'll be calling you to collect!

[Rudynate]

Never having been an escort, I don't know, of course. But I have always imagined it would be a somewhat rarefied way to live.

[+ Chris Eisenhower]

In all fairness its true I got so desperate a few months back I sold my kidney for meth

 

That was that weekend where we stayed up for 4 days straight. Good times.

[+ Chris Eisenhower]

Hmmmaybe you guys gave me an idea to start another post that reads "Are clients so fucked up they need to pay for sex?" Hahshahaha

 

How's that piece for Huffington Post coming along?

[+ stevenkesslar]

In all fairness its true I got so desperate a few months back I sold my kidney for meth

 

Dude, you're lucky. I sold my virginity, and all I got for it is a cock up my ass and a really fucking sore hole. I could have used some meth to relieve the pain.

[+ stevenkesslar]

Most guys doing it had their mind fucked up before even starting to escort. Even for somebody in a stable mental state, the constant worry ... is a continuous source of stress. And then, as always, there are the exceptions. But there are not many of them.

 

It's kind of amazing this thread could go on as long as this without somebody stating the obvious: escorting is a really good job, and you can make a lot of money doing something most guys love - having sex. The internet solved a lot of the most obvious problems with the oldest profession - like having to walk the streets and take the risk of getting busted.

 

I've definitely had my share of fucked up clients. What job is perfect? The easy story to tell, that hits all the hot buttons, is the client who stalked me, causing me to get a restraining order and hire a lawyer. The difficult question that experience raised is whether, or how badly, I had fucked up by disclosing to the client, over a period of years, personal information that he could later use to threaten me. The perfect person to ask was my therapist, because one of the fucked up things the stalker did was hire my therapist. Saying I had a therapist in and of itself may suggest I was fucked up, but I've always taken hiring a shrink to be a sign of mental health. He is a well known therapist that has a specialty in counselling sex workers. I think the two things I liked best about him were the sense of support he gave me in a "career" that a lot of people think is scummy, and the way he could help me work through my feelings and integrate my life experiences. The stalker thing was stressful while it was happening. But having a therapist to support my decisions helped, it was a relatively easy problem to fix, and the fact that even as a "whore" I had the law on my side actually left me feeling pretty safe in what I do.

 

The interesting question it raised, that I asked every long-term client I had at the time, was whether or not it would be better for me to protect myself by creating a fictional "Steven" to hide any real details of my life. (Even then, as a practical matter, you need a real name to have clients buy plane tickets and add you to a hotel booking). To a one, they all said that me being me was what led them to keep hiring me. It actually made me feel very good. Presumably they were being honest, because that was years ago and many of them are still hiring me.

 

I did go through what I call my "pity party" for a few years, which is why I slowed down for a while and basically tried to calm down and wait for the storm to pass. And the funny thing that happened, that I would not have expected when I started escorting back in 2000, is my clients were actually the ones who held my hand and helped me through it the most.

 

I remember back in Fall 2008 being at The Ritz in Paris with a client while I was getting terrified emails from another client freaked out that the stock market was falling like a knife. And I remember thinking if this is what misery means, I want to be in misery's company. But at some point all the economic crap everybody was going through started to wear me down. My other job involves managing rental property, and it seems like for a few years every single time I went to an airport to go on a trip with a client it started with a call that something fairly serious had just gone wrong, like a leaking oil tank or a broken furnace, and there were what felt like endless tenant psychodramas with divorces and people losing jobs and break-in's and collapsing property values. None of this was totally new, but at some point it just started to feel like a tidal wave of bullshit that was going to drown me.

 

My easy reality check on this is that I have two brothers I'm very close to, and even though none of us lost our jobs or houses, and we are all successful professionals, we all felt like we were stuck in minor depression. One brother works in the private sector and he felt every day at the office was about somebody else losing their job, meaning he had more work to do. And no - you don't get a raise! He felt lucky simply not to get fired. The other brother worked in the public sector and had a secure job, but felt like the Tea Party thought the career he loved was bullshit, and budgets were being cut and benefits were being stripped away. He's a university professor, and a work environment that even on it's best day felt like a political cesspool gradually left him feeling pretty miserable. Meanwhile, my sister actually did lose her job, and sort of went off the deep end. The phrase I highlighted above - "the constant worry....is a continuous source of stress" sums it up. But the worry wasn't about me and escorting, it was actually sort of about me and everything else. I actually backed off escorting mostly because I felt drained, and I was smart enough to realize you can't exude positive energy when you don't have much of it. I was certainly not alone. For a while, every poll showed that most people just felt like things sucked. There were some personal psychodramas that happened in my family and a close friend died of cancer and other seriously bad shit happened, but mostly it was endless minor stuff - "the straw that broke the camel's back."

 

Something was sort of fucking my mind up. It was the economy, stupid!

 

The funny thing that happened on the way to the funny farm is that the people who gave me the most emotional support were mostly clients. If I had to sum up why that was in two words, it's because of age and maturity. There's the CEO who told me, with a wealth of experience and a touch of know-it-all-ism, that I had to learn to compartmentalize better. There's the client who is a corporate trainer who responded to my self-pity by giving me the book Strengths Finders, which - news flash! - actually reminded me that I do have strengths. There's the clients who actually invited my Mom to dinner at their house as she was basically losing her mind, right before she went in the nursing home with a diagnosis of dementia. There's the client who just kept reassuring me and let me whine when I needed to and said, "When a friend is in a boat and it's sinking, you take out a bucket and start helping him bail."

 

I actually just had lunch today with a retired client who was one of the ones who emotionally supported me through this period. Of everybody I know, he probably has the broadest network of friends. I know that because he is constantly traveling with groups of them - a network of hundreds of people. I asked him how many of them he'd met through work, and he said about 80 percent, which did not surprise me. I told him it made sense to me that, especially in a job that involves getting naked and getting vulnerable, many of the people I'd become closest to were my "clients." He corrected me and suggested I call them "work associates." In truth, the ones I am closest to have simply become dear friends.

 

I don't know, but I really don't think I'm an exception. I think many escorts, me included, don't like to advertise this because it gets into all kinds of sticky issues about money and boundaries. Just ask any escort like me who is less than perfect and missed the signs that some relationship was heading into Stalkerville. The good news is that those stories are few and far between. I'm actually incredibly grateful to my long term "work associates," including some other escorts but mostly clients, because in addition to my family, they are the ones who have kept me sane.

 

Assuming, of course, that I'm actually not crazy. After all, as I mentioned in the post above, I even had to whore out my own virginity!!!

 

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