Getting involved with someone who's against escorting, can it ever work?

[JoeyBryant]

I been seeing someone now for going on 5 months. Around the 1st month of knowing each other it eventually came that I admitted to him about what I do. At the time, our relationship didn't suffer right away and we continued building a friendship, and he claimed to be okay with it...however it's come to past that our relationship has been adversely affected by it all.

 

Here it is 5 months later and things have barely been going to the next level and its to the point where we're not even sleeping together because of it and until I leave the business. I'm planning on leaving the business so we can work on things out, but my issue with even going into the whole thing is I don't even know if things really can be fixed and develop a true relationship (which will mean me leaving him AND Colorado period). It has come up so often about my being an escort, and then when we go out at night...he ends up at some point telling someone about what I do which really pisses me off, but at the same time I am confident about what I do at the same time. I'm surprised at how conservative a town like Denver really is, where people just don't understand it at all.

 

Just today, we got into a heated argument because since he hasn't agreed to be exclusive...he knows I'm keeping my options open to other people. Apparently he's not okay with that, so proceeds to tell me if he sees me with someone then he'll tell them I'm an escort because apparently he feels I did him wrong by not telling him right away about what I do. And he always throws that out there, saying if I do get involved with someone again, I should tell them right away. But...I disagree because until the person is considering to be exclusive, I don't feel it's necessary to tell every person I start out dating.

 

I applaud anyone who can maintain doing this and keep a relationship. That has not been the case for me. I've lost a chance at a relationship in the past with someone due to it, and at this point its altered my current relationship. I have to either choose one or the other which I'm willing to do...but at the same time I'm feeling like if things don't work out I'm going to have no choice but to relocate because it seems to have gotten secretly known about what I do, and if this doesn't work, I can't get out there if there's people out there gossiping behind my back or making threats about telling someone what I do.

 

I'll admit that since it has been affecting my relationship, I've definitely haven't been mentally committed to doing this any longer. It makes me resentful that being an escort means not being able to have a decent relationship...and having someone who isn't okay with it just makes me feel even less motivated to continue on. At the same time, for someone to be so closed-minded and inconsiderate about it makes me angry...it's like, okay what compromise is needed? Can it ever even be a compromise? How much more and how many more months will it continue to affect our relationship even after I do stop?

[Walker1]

Try being married to a gold digging bimbo who you find out only married you for your money and now is shacked up in your house with another man-on your tab!

[MsGuy]

Apparently he's not okay with that, so proceeds to tell me if he sees me with someone then he'll tell them I'm an escort because apparently he feels I did him wrong by not telling him right away about what I do.

 

Joey, this is not the kind of stuff you want to see in someone you're seeking a LTR with. This won't be the only time he resorts to mean-spirited blackmail to punish/control you. Just my opinion.

[bigvalboy]

I think that threatening to blackmail you certainly speaks to his character, or lack thereof. It is not someone I would choose to be in a relationship with, but that's just me. People that are in love often overlook flaws in a partner, and perhaps you can also. I am not judging, as it is your life and therefore your decision.

 

Not wanting you to escort and get out of the business, I can certainly understand his perspective on that. Had lunch the other day with an escort, not business, just wanted time to chat and catch up. He told me that his bf has a lot of difficulty with the fact that he is an escort. The relationship is rocky at best. They are committed to each other, and both see the relation hip as long term, But as you have found out, partners can not always fully accept the other person unconditionally. He is at a crossroads also and is thinking that the best decision is perhaps to find another career.

 

I know two porn stars that met, fell in love and decided that they wanted to be exclusive with each other. So they left the porn industry. It was a decision that they both knew was the only one that would keep them together. It has been several years and they are still going strong.

 

If you are in love and want this to work, since you were thinking about changing careers anyway, perhaps now is the time.

[JoeyBryant]

I think that threatening to blackmail you certainly speaks to his character, or lack thereof. It is not someone I would choose to be in a relationship with, but that's just me. People that are in love often overlook flaws in a partner, and perhaps you can also. I am not judging, as it is your life and therefore your decision.

 

Not wanting you to escort and get out of the business, I can certainly understand his perspective on that. Had lunch the other day with an escort, not business, just wanted time to chat and catch up. He told me that his bf has a lot of difficulty with the fact that he is an escort. The relationship is rocky at best. They are committed to each other, and both see the relation hip as long term, But as you have found out, partners can not always fully accept the other person unconditionally. He is at a crossroads also and is thinking that the best decision is perhaps to find another career.

 

I know two porn stars that met, fell in love and decided that they wanted to be exclusive with each other. So they left the porn industry. It was a decision that they both knew was the only one that would keep them together. It has been several years and they are still going strong.

 

If you are in love and want this to work, since you were thinking about changing careers anyway, perhaps now is the time.

 

I kind of thought that from the observation of some of the posters here and just knowing some escorts over the years, that it wouldn't be impossible to do this and have one at the same time. But I know it's all down to individual choice and what one is willing to accept.

 

Our relationship is also rocky as well, but at this point since I'm having to make some changes for it...I told him today if he doesn't want me to keep my options or be doing this then he needs to agree to be exclusive. He wants me to stop 1st and then we can start being exclusive, but me escorting isn't the only thing holding him back from it. He has alot of baggage and exes himself preventing him from moving on, and I need to make sure he's not just using my profession as some sort of scapegoat to not get into a commitment. For 5 months it's been 'best friends' but lately I been meeting other people and it's showing clearly he's not okay with that. Can't have 1 foot in, 1 foot out and expect me to be fully committed to it. Everyone already thinks we're together as it is as we're always together when we're out.

 

For the past couple weeks, I've been suggesting for us to go to the next level and that if he can't do it...then I'm just going to have to take it as we're not together and move the hell on. I mean, if he's comfortable enough to sleep next to me and accept my money when we go out...then he should be comfortable enough to commit and start having sex. There's really only so much I can take. I doesn't help though that trying to meet people in Denver is measly at best, so there's not all that many relationship material options on my plate.

[justaguy]

Joey, just my two cents. I can see his point of view. Even though it's your job, you seem to be asking him to be exclusive while you're having sex outside the relationship. I can see how that could be a big obstacle. However, you've already indicated to him that you're willing to find another job. That's a huge offer on your part. It strikes me that there's an awful lot of negotiating going on, somethng I see as not boding well for a fully committed relationship. The big question I guess is how much you like the guy. If you like him enough, keep communicating and see how things work out. One last thought--don't settle for less than what you want. Even if Denver isn't the kind of place where meeting people is difficult, IMO it's better to be happy on your own than in a relationship of convenience.

[+ poolboy48220]

DTMFA. Not saying that escorting will always sour a relationship, but his controlling behavior certainly will. Even if you do drop out of the business, I can see this guy holding that over your head forever.

[robberbaron4u]

Unfortunately, your past is always with you. . .

[jjkrkwood]

Joey, your life always seems wrought with Drama, and you also seem to flit from one relationship to another, at least as you relate it to us here. It takes 2 to tango and while I dont know your partner, I know a little bit about you and believe you create alot of your own problems, although you dont see it that way. Your job is your job, no getting around that, and obviously this guy has some issue with it, regardless of what he told you at the beginning. You are right when you say relationships are all about what you are willing to accept. so you need to make your choice here. You have seen the guys true colors, now its up to you to determine what you are willing to accept. Noone can really give you any advice, even iF they were in a similar situation. What may have worked for someone elese might not be the ticket for you. Good Luck....

[robberbaron4u]

Prudent advices, I think. . .

[+ blondeq]

FWIW, two pieces of advice.

1) relationships that stand the test of time are easy. By that, I mean you feel it in your gut and you know it's right. It is not a daily struggle to make it work

2) both parties in the relationship have to love and respect themselves before they can love and respect another.

[gallahadesquire]

FWIW, two pieces of advice.

1) relationships that stand the test of time are easy. By that, I mean you feel it in your gut and you know it's right. It is not a daily struggle to make it work

2) both parties in the relationship have to love and respect themselves before they can love and respect another.

 

Bravo!! Well said, blondeq!

[JoeyBryant]

Joey, just my two cents. I can see his point of view. Even though it's your job, you seem to be asking him to be exclusive while you're having sex outside the relationship. I can see how that could be a big obstacle. However, you've already indicated to him that you're willing to find another job. The big question I guess is how much you like the guy.

 

And he already knows that I can do so and am willing to.

 

But what gets me is the fact that in some conversations he's completely fine with it, in other conversations he's totally not down with it. For example, he had called me lazy and saying I don't want to work which is why I'm doing this and that I can easily find something else to do along with it being 'disgusting'. I came back a couple days later after having it stew in my system for a bit and told him what he said had affected me and that I don't appreciate the fact of someone even saying something like that, and went on to explain that he has no idea how this works so can't consider me being lazy. He then says that he didn't mean to imply that and that he was just saying he wouldn't be able to do it and couldn't understand it and he apologized for using those choice words.

 

But here it is a few months down the line and those same choice words came back up again. Thing is he already knows the circumstances surrounding my decision to be able to look for something else. And it's in-congruent to tell me you're okay with it one day, but then tell me you're not another day.

 

As for the question how much I like him...I'll say I like him quite a bit, but I don't like the way he's been handling this. There's only so much one can disagree with my profession without disrespecting me in the process.

 

Joey, your life always seems wrought with Drama, and you also seem to flit from one relationship to another, at least as you relate it to us here.

 

No I don't. I've only dated 2 people in the 12 months and I went 4 months between the 2 of them. That's not flitting from one relationship to another. It's called being in your early 20s in the scene. Honestly, I'd be thrilled to be able to flit from one relationship to the other because atleast that'd mean I have options. Options are your best defense when dealing with the scene...

 

Just to prove, I have been going out nearly every weekend with this same person for the past 5 months and not once has there been an ex boyfriend to run into...Him on the other hand, I can't even count the amount of times an ex has been in the same building. And that's what I check him on, because he often tries to cite my profession as something that's holding us back...but when I see all these exes its evident that he's getting involved with alot more people. Granted he's lived in Denver all his life and he's a bit older than me...but even if I were to go back to Florida, I can guarantee I'd not run into anyone I know much less dated.

[MiamiLooker]

Options are your best defense when dealing with the scene...

 

What is "the scene?"

[Lookin]

Joey, I can't add to what's been said by others but did want to say that you seem a bit more relaxed and mellow in your posts and evenhanded in the way you look at things. Wanted to acknowledge that and tell you I'm glad to see the shift. If your relationship is contributing to that, then I can see why you want to keep it going. If it's something else, and you can bottle and sell it, then I think you've found your new career. http://www.maleescortreview.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/thumbsup.png Wish you the best.

[bigvalboy]

you seem a bit more relaxed and mellow in your posts and evenhanded in the way you look at things. If your relationship is contributing to that, then I can see why you want to keep it going.

 

I noticed the change in how you look at situations also. I hope that the situation with the new bf is resolved in the best possible light.

[JoeyBryant]

What is "the scene?"

 

The 'scene' is basically being immersed in gay nightlife such as bars and clubs. I would say being online classifies as the scene also, but so many men online claim to "not being in the scene".

 

The scene can be an equally fulfilling and toxic place to be in...but at the same time for the younger crowd and especially people who don't work retail at the local clothing stores, it's the only option. However, even people who do work in retail stores (where younger gay men often work/frequent) you still have to look to the scene for entertainment.

 

Joey, I can't add to what's been said by others but did want to say that you seem a bit more relaxed and mellow in your posts and evenhanded in the way you look at things. Wanted to acknowledge that and tell you I'm glad to see the shift. If your relationship is contributing to that, then I can see why you want to keep it going. If it's something else, and you can bottle and sell it, then I think you've found your new career. http://www.maleescortreview.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/thumbsup.png Wish you the best.

 

Well, in this particular situation it's really more that I was (key word was) adamant about maintaining the relationship with this person.

 

I realize no escorts have responded, but if no one responds to anything else...this would be the time some kind of input would be more than appreciated. I know there are some guys on here who are actively or were formerly involved in long-term relationships while doing this.

 

It's like a big part of me is resentful towards myself for what he's been saying about me 'doing him that way' by not telling him about what I do during the first month of us knowing. But another part of me feels he just gnawed away at my confidence and sense of independence by being in so disagreement about the whole thing. It just makes me so angry that he'd feel like I 'did him wrong' by not telling him right off the bat as apparently he was starting to have feelings for me and to say he feels I should tell people right away and not do them like I did him???

 

It's like 1st off, I didn't even do anything to him. He makes it seem like I gave him an STD or disease or something. I just withheld telling him, and it wasn't even like it was after us having sex. That wasn't even the case. I remember 2 years before I began escorting, one of my exes turned out to be an escort. A friend of mine was pretty explicit in revealing what went on. I was 18 at the time. Yeah I was mad initially, but it didn't take long for me to understand it all. And plus, he was doing it for cocaine at the time...I've kept myself well, in shape and healthy.

 

That's why I tend to have so much remorse towards the gay community. Full of hypocrites. They want to look down on escorts for making a living, yet it's okay to just go kissing on random people in a bar? Kissing different guys in front of your boyfriend (gay pride weekend). And then they want to demand equality; when over the years, I have heard one gay person after the next talk about how they don't like Black people including me without even knowing me well enough to say anything like that.

 

Not to get on a tangent, but it just all ties in together.

[dcguy20]

Joey, his actions speak louder than words. Plain and simple. I would never want to be with someone who is figuratively holding something over my head.

[rvwnsd]

...It's like 1st off, I didn't even do anything to him. He makes it seem like I gave him an STD or disease or something. I just withheld telling him, and it wasn't even like it was after us having sex. That wasn't even the case. I remember 2 years before I began escorting, one of my exes turned out to be an escort. A friend of mine was pretty explicit in revealing what went on. I was 18 at the time. Yeah I was mad initially, but it didn't take long for me to understand it all. And plus, he was doing it for cocaine at the time...I've kept myself well, in shape and healthy.

 

That's why I tend to have so much remorse towards the gay community. Full of hypocrites. They want to look down on escorts for making a living, yet it's okay to just go kissing on random people in a bar? Kissing different guys in front of your boyfriend (gay pride weekend). And then they want to demand equality; when over the years, I have heard one gay person after the next talk about how they don't like Black people including me without even knowing me well enough to say anything like that.

 

Not to get on a tangent, but it just all ties in together.

 

I agree with your observations regarding these points. My opinion is that the guy in question is not the right guy for you for several reasons. First, he is uncomfortable with you being an escort. It is possible, even probable, that he would harbor discomfort with your escorting even if you left the profession and did something else for a living. In fact, he informed you that he would mention your escorting to anyone he saw you with. This is not a quality I look for in a potential mate. Second, he demeans you. I accept his discomfort with dating an escort. I can't say how I would feel if I was presented with that situation. However, calling you "lazy" is unwarranted and unacceptable. Based on some of your previous posts, you strike me as an escort who attempts to know his clients and deliver a first-rate experience. You do that with very little knowledge of the client and within the short window of time that is the appointment. That's hard work! My guess is some of your clients do not fit the description of your physical ideal, yet you maintain engaged, aroused, and interested. Again, that's hard work. This guy doesn't seem to recognize that there are different kinds of work. Time to toss that fish back in the river and hope he swims downstream.

[JoeyBryant]

I agree with your observations regarding these points. My opinion is that the guy in question is not the right guy for you for several reasons. First, he is uncomfortable with you being an escort. It is possible, even probable, that he would harbor discomfort with your escorting even if you left the profession and did something else for a living. In fact, he informed you that he would mention your escorting to anyone he saw you with. This is not a quality I look for in a potential mate. Second, he demeans you. I accept his discomfort with dating an escort. I can't say how I would feel if I was presented with that situation. However, calling you "lazy" is unwarranted and unacceptable. Based on some of your previous posts, you strike me as an escort who attempts to know his clients and deliver a first-rate experience. You do that with very little knowledge of the client and within the short window of time that is the appointment. That's hard work! My guess is some of your clients do not fit the description of your physical ideal, yet you maintain engaged, aroused, and interested. Again, that's hard work. This guy doesn't seem to recognize that there are different kinds of work. Time to toss that fish back in the river and hope he swims downstream.

 

I've pretty much taken this into consideration...and the other week after I cancelled Labor Day Sunday plans with him because he smoked in my living room and blasted music til 7 am til I had to pull the plug on everything, he says I should stop focusing on the negative and focus on the good things. I'm like, what good things? It's been 5 months and nearly every weekend you do something or say something outlandish to threaten the very existence of our relationship. And here it is the very next week and he says something yet again, to screw things up. It gets to the point where I start taking responsibility for allowing it to continue and happen repeatedly, and 80% of the time he's drunk or on drugs (The Denver gay scene is rife with it, and it's surprising how many actually abuse it. 1 more reason to get the fuck out)

 

I haven't 100% tossed him back into the river, in the event he can come back and totally refrain and repent his actions (trust me, I'm not holding out for it). But I did toss whatever belongings that he left lying around my apartment in the street in front of his house. Just some tough love discipline to say that he can't say those kinds of things and expect to be welcomed into my home. In the meantime, I've definitely started getting in touch with some other guys.

[+ Shoreboy]

Just my two cents, but a relationship that is so toxic so early on is simply not going to work.....even if you gave up escorting for this person I feel he will move onto other things he wants to change about you.

 

We should never be forced into changing ourselves for anyone.

 

Accept me for who I am not for who you want me to become.

 

I learned this the hard way with someone I was dating who would constantly bring up what He saw were my flaws. After awhile I finally asked him what HE loved about me and his answer was "I hope you can change so I can truly love you"....and then I showed him the door.

 

Be happy with yourself, know you are not perfect since no one ever is and find someone who loves you for you.

 

Get out of this toxic relationship now Joey since your friend will never change in finding things he assumes are your flaws

[rvwnsd]

I've pretty much taken this into consideration...and the other week after I cancelled Labor Day Sunday plans with him because he smoked in my living room and blasted music til 7 am til I had to pull the plug on everything, he says I should stop focusing on the negative and focus on the good things. I'm like, what good things? It's been 5 months and nearly every weekend you do something or say something outlandish to threaten the very existence of our relationship. And here it is the very next week and he says something yet again, to screw things up. It gets to the point where I start taking responsibility for allowing it to continue and happen repeatedly, and 80% of the time he's drunk or on drugs (The Denver gay scene is rife with it, and it's surprising how many actually abuse it. 1 more reason to get the fuck out)

 

I haven't 100% tossed him back into the river, in the event he can come back and totally refrain and repent his actions (trust me, I'm not holding out for it). But I did toss whatever belongings that he left lying around my apartment in the street in front of his house. Just some tough love discipline to say that he can't say those kinds of things and expect to be welcomed into my home. In the meantime, I've definitely started getting in touch with some other guys.

 

Four words come to mind:

 

WAY TO GO, JOEY!

It is nice to see a gay man stand up for himself and take action.

[jjkrkwood]

I've pretty much taken this into consideration...and the other week after I cancelled Labor Day Sunday plans with him because he smoked in my living room and blasted music til 7 am til I had to pull the plug on everything, he says I should stop focusing on the negative and focus on the good things. I'm like, what good things? It's been 5 months and nearly every weekend you do something or say something outlandish to threaten the very existence of our relationship. And here it is the very next week and he says something yet again, to screw things up. It gets to the point where I start taking responsibility for allowing it to continue and happen repeatedly, and 80% of the time he's drunk or on drugs (The Denver gay scene is rife with it, and it's surprising how many actually abuse it. 1 more reason to get the fuck out)

 

I haven't 100% tossed him back into the river, in the event he can come back and totally refrain and repent his actions (trust me, I'm not holding out for it). But I did toss whatever belongings that he left lying around my apartment in the street in front of his house. Just some tough love discipline to say that he can't say those kinds of things and expect to be welcomed into my home. In the meantime, I've definitely started getting in touch with some other guys.

 

People ARE who they are, and rarely "change". If they are "forced" to change, the result can hardly be genuine and will ultimately cause friction. As others have said, relationships are work, and you must weight the pro's and cons and see which list is heavier... Then its a matter of making a decision that works for "you" and sticking to it. You mention alcohol and drugs. The guy needs help so maybe you want to assume the Mother Teresa role ? Substance abuse is an entirely different issue than not folding laundry or putting your feet on the coffee table. Is he really worth ALL the trouble ???

[MiamiLooker]

I've pretty much taken this into consideration...and the other week after I cancelled Labor Day Sunday plans with him because he smoked in my living room and blasted music til 7 am til I had to pull the plug on everything, he says I should stop focusing on the negative and focus on the good things. I'm like, what good things? It's been 5 months and nearly every weekend you do something or say something outlandish to threaten the very existence of our relationship. And here it is the very next week and he says something yet again, to screw things up. It gets to the point where I start taking responsibility for allowing it to continue and happen repeatedly, and 80% of the time he's drunk or on drugs (The Denver gay scene is rife with it, and it's surprising how many actually abuse it. 1 more reason to get the fuck out)

 

I haven't 100% tossed him back into the river, in the event he can come back and totally refrain and repent his actions (trust me, I'm not holding out for it). But I did toss whatever belongings that he left lying around my apartment in the street in front of his house. Just some tough love discipline to say that he can't say those kinds of things and expect to be welcomed into my home. In the meantime, I've definitely started getting in touch with some other guys.

 

 

I vote you stay together. It sounds like you two were made for each other.