Rejected by Masseur. Where did I go wrong?

[niceandthick]

Below is my email conversation with a masseur in the DC area. This was my first time trying to set up a session with him. Somewhere in the discussions, things went wrong and he rejected me as a client.

 

He has a website that details his services and such. On his website states

• Each session is personalized to the client’s needs
  
• All sessions include pre/post massage review to determine necessary adjustments to current and future treatment
  
• Inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated[/indent
  

 

I thought I would give some background information to help facilitate the intake process and help tailor the session.

 

Full disclosure: I do like sensual elements to my sessions as a bonus, but not as a requirement. I didn't mention this in the communication.

 

So...did I say something wrong/inappropriate or did he?

 

== Me:

 

Cxxxx -

 

This is Exxxx. Someone turned me onto you a few months back (I can't remember who now). I kept meaning to reach out to you but forgot. I was thinking about a session today...and just remembered that I never reached out to you.

 

I’m looking for a 90 minute session. Prefer weekday afternoons around 1pm. My work schedule changes daily so typically looking for same day/next day scheduling.

 

Thanks,

 

Exxxx

 

==Masseur:

 

Exxxx,

I don't have anything available this week. But here are the available times for next week. All times are inclusive. Cannot begin any earlier than earliest time listed and the appointment can finish no later than the end time listed.

 

Open Sessions ....

 

Thanks,

Cxxxxx

 

==Me:

 

Cool. Thanks for getting back to me. Let's do Tuesday 1pm for a 90min session.

 

A little about me: Married, Black, kids, live in the burbs, discreet. 40, 6'1, large/thick build. Sit behind a desk all day. Teach fitness classes on weekends. Had back surgery in the fall so need to be a little careful in the lower back. I also have a tight piriformis muscle so need some really deep work in the right glute. I also like stretching for hips/glutes.

 

For session, I prefer undraped and unscented oil/lotion. If lotion is scented, is there a shower available afterwards?

 

Thanks,

 

Exxxx

 

==Masseur:

 

Exxxxx,

My lotions are all natural and unscented. I use partial drapes on ALL my clients. No exceptions. This is not a bio for a online profile. Your race, marriage status, where you live, are completely unnecessary and including 'discreet' is bordering on unprofessional. At this time I don't feel comfortable seeing you as a client.

 

Cxxxx

 

==Me:

 

Wow. OK.

[jjkrkwood]

Although I understand your point in offering a full description of yourself, its sounds as if HE felt you were trying to "qualify" yourself for some attraction by him which might result in him providing something MORE than a therapeutic massage to you, which he obviously deems as "innappropriate behavior". He probably gets alot of requests for sexual, and is VERY sensitive to it since its not what HE provides..

 

I dont feel you did anything wrong, and wouldnt dwell on it. Just move on to another masseur who will provide what you are looking for.

[RockHard]

I see numerous red flags and, of course, you conveniently left out some important details. Is the therapist selling his services as "licensed" or sensual/erotic? Since his ad states, "Inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated," did you think that meant passing gas on his table?

 

Background health information may be helpful to a licensed massage therapist, but I've never met a professional who doesn't ask health related questions before he touches you. It would never occur to me to email this personal info in advance.

 

Outside of health related info, you can easily arouse suspicion with the other info you provided. Almost all of it is irrelevant. One would never use the word "discreet" when communicating with a licensed masseur who does not sell erotic services.

 

If the massage therapist is unlicensed and one stroke away from escorting, mentioning recent back surgery will turn any non-professional off unless he loves the threat of litigation.

 

IMO, you blew this communication big time, no matter if the therapist is a pro or not. Wow is the appropriate word to describe your effort here.

[josephga]

I get similar emails sometimes there never any reason to tell us that you are married, your race or that you are discreet

[jjkrkwood]

I get similar emails sometimes there never any reason to tell us that you are married, your race or that you are discreet

 

Of course there was more to the OP's intention than the massage the masseur was willing to provide. Communication is a skill, and improves with time and experience. YES, the OP was sending a message that the masseur did NOT want to receive, and he provided the OP with an "appropriate" response..... You can either learn from your actions, or continue to make the same mistakes. i still wouldnt say the OP did anything WRONG. What would be WRONG would be for him to obsess over the masseur and not pursue a different one that can provide what he wants.

[bigvalboy]

Actually niceandthick, giving a masseur your bio is completely unnecessary. Way too much information going out! He might have overreacted a bit, but I can see where he might have become uncomfortable with all the extra information. That's OK, lessoned learned...Next time you will know. I wouldn't worry about it too much, I thought his emails back to you were a bit cold and way to direct. I always gage people I see by their emails. I need to see some personality or humor or warmth when I am exchanging emails with a masseur. Someone that came across that cold, I probably would have passed on him anyway....Good luck next time!

[niceandthick]

OP Here.

 

Thanks for the input so far. Response to some of the the items mentioned:

 

• His website does not say whether he is licensed or not.. His Facebook page says that he studied at National Massage Therapy Institute
  
• I have set up numerous sessions before and provided the same information without issue. In fact, the information I included is a culmination of all of the types of information that I have been asked of with prior masseurs.
  
• Why state marital status, kids, live in the burbs? These all give an indication of types of stresses I am under on a daily basis. I would think this is important when getting to know a client
  

• Why mention race? Well I have had a couple of incidences in the past where I was turned away because I was Black. Sad but true.
  
• Why mention discreet? Well don't want the wifey to know that I am spending funds on a massage from a man. I had provided phone number so wanted to note discretion. Also wanted to note that I would need to shower if massage lotion was scented.
  

[gallahadesquire]

Didn't we just do this topic? I'm not sure how to look for it.

 

OP: Except for extremes of weight or height, stats / marital status / parental status is unnecessary. And if your Intended Masseur asks for them ... caveat emptor!

[bigvalboy]

OP Here.

 

Thanks for the input so far. Response to some of the the items mentioned:

 

• His website does not say whether he is licensed or not.. His Facebook page says that he studied at National Massage Therapy Institute
  
• I have set up numerous sessions before and provided the same information without issue. In fact, the information I included is a culmination of all of the types of information that I have been asked of with prior masseurs.
  
• Why state marital status, kids, live in the burbs? These all give an indication of types of stresses I am under on a daily basis. I would think this is important when getting to know a client
  

• Why mention race? Well I have had a couple of incidences in the past where I was turned away because I was Black. Sad but true.
  
• Why mention discreet? Well don't want the wifey to know that I am spending funds on a massage from a man. I had provided phone number so wanted to note discretion. Also wanted to note that I would need to shower if massage lotion was scented.
  

 

Certainly see your point. I never have provided that information though. Mentioning that you are Black is probably not a bad idea, especially if you have been turned down before. Most all masseurs are going to be discreet anyway and perhaps just saying that you have some physical limitations would suffice. Most people go to masseurs to eliminate stress anyway so that might be a little redundant. All in all I think that you did fine. I would not stress about this at all. There are plenty of great masseurs out there to choose from.

[josephga]

I will never understand the need for the term discreet regardless of the type of massage. one we dont share our information with others. I operate under the same guide lines as a dr or lawyer when it comes to privacy. another thing i've asked this question to a large number women over they years would you be upset if you bf, partner or husband purchased a massage? All had the same response they would only be upset if the massage therapist was female..

[jjkrkwood]

I will never understand the need for the term discreet regardless of the type of massage. one we dont share our information with others. I operate under the same guide lines as a dr or lawyer when it comes to privacy. another thing i've asked this question to a large number women over they years would you be upset if you bf, partner or husband purchased a massage? All had the same response they would only be upset if the massage therapist was female..

 

I would think that a closeted gay man sneaking a male-on-male massage from a guy he requested to be nude would present a whole different set of Stresses. Lets understand here, this is NOT only about massage. A legitimate massage only service call would not necessarily REQUIRE discretion. Athletes get massage all the time, and it is also used to treat people with physical pain. You can tip-toe around it all you want, but in the OP's mind, PERHAPS this was akin to "cheating", and he wanted some assurance his secret would not get out... Obviously the masseur was able to "READ" all this and wasnt comfortable. Case closed. As many have advised, move on, THIS masseur was not a GOOD FIT for you.

[LookingAround]

Just miscommunication; that's all it is, but I can see how it came about. When you said undraped and discreet, he probably assumed you wanted more than he was willing to provide and got spooked.

[JoeyBryant]

== Me:

 

Cxxxx -

 

This is Exxxx. Someone turned me onto you a few months back (I can't remember who now). I kept meaning to reach out to you but forgot. I was thinking about a session today...and just remembered that I never reached out to you.

 

==Masseur:

 

Exxxx,

I don't have anything available this week. Cannot begin any earlier than earliest time listed and the appointment can finish no later than the end time listed.

 

Open Sessions ....

 

Thanks,

Cxxxxx

 

==Me:

 

Cool. Thanks for getting back to me. Let's do Tuesday 1pm for a 90min session.

 

A little about me: Married, Black, kids, live in the burbs, discreet. 40, 6'1, large/thick build. Sit behind a desk all day. Teach fitness classes on weekends. Had back surgery in the fall so need to be a little careful in the lower back. I also have a tight piriformis muscle so need some really deep work in the right glute. I also like stretching for hips/glutes.

For session, I prefer undraped and unscented oil/lotion. If lotion is scented, is there a shower available afterwards?

 

Thanks,

 

Exxxx

 

==Masseur:

 

Exxxxx,

My lotions are all natural and unscented. I use partial drapes on ALL my clients. No exceptions. This is not a bio for a online profile. Your race, marriage status, where you live, are completely unnecessary and including 'discreet' is bordering on unprofessional. At this time I don't feel comfortable seeing you as a client.

 

That Masseur sounds like he had an attitude from the get go by immediately being non-negotiable with the time and starting a reply with, "I don't." Reply with what you can do, not with what you can't do...and if he was my dentist/car repair/masseur, I'd just call around some more. HE sounds like bordering on unprofessional.

 

However, in defense of the masseur; your statement in bold may have given him an initial red flag that perhaps you weren't serious. Even if you can't remember who referred you to him, it's not necessary to mention it. Probably just saying, "I seen your ad on..." and then go from there. By stating you couldn't remember who referred you and forgot to contact him kind of set the precedent for him being a bit brusque. He may think you'll forget the appointment too! However if it were me, I'd of delved a bit more to find out exactly whom referred you.

 

As for the rest of the information you provided, was it necessary? Not necessarily. But I don't see how anyone could have misconstrued that as sex. Plus, he has the power to either agree to sex or not agree to sex. However we don't know what part of the red lettered paragraph may have compelled him to turn down the appointment. He could have been prejudice, only like attractive skinny clients, only like gay clients, not like bi or straight clients, not like clients with kids, he was a jerk, a prick...there's a 100 reasons why.

[EZEtoGRU]

I agree with most of the others here that the OP's description using the word "discreet" is a big tip-off. There is no reason to use that word if there is no expectation of anything more than a massage. To me that screams of hiring someone to do more than a massage and wanting to keep it confidential. I suspect that word would raise a red flag with any professional masseur. It certainly did with the one in question.

[josephga]

If a ad says Inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated and they tell you partial draping which means normally a small towel covering the genitals. in most cases there's not going too be a release. After i stopped working in the sports clinic in 03 and went out on my on for that first 2 years on my own i gave strictly therapeutic only massages I would cover the genitals with a small towel when the guy turned over. it was to send the message without saying a word that no release was happening

[BostonPhil]

I never thought I would have anything to add to "The Spa"

 

For an alternative perspective I called my mother, a licensed massage therapist in Tuscon, to find out what she would do.

 

"Mom if a guy called you and asked to make an appointment and included this information (insert OP description) what would your response be?"

 

"Why?"

 

"Please, what would you say?"

 

"I would tell him that I didn't think my practice was what he was looking for but I'd let him buy me a drink some time."

 

"Why?"

 

"Discreet means he wants 'Happy Ending' and I don't need to know about his great grandparents. Everyone I know insists on drapes."

 

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH really? Okay, thanks! BYEEEEE!"

 

Point is my moms is awesome, she taught me to be sassy and everyone knows what discreet, DL, on the low etc means. It is sad however that any one would turn down a client based on race. The only group of people I wouldn't see are active duty sailors.

[+ peterhung85]

As Certified Massage Therapist (who used to do professional massages in the past), I try to give this masseur as much respect as I can but this will be one of the toughest. I think you were a gentleman (many escorts/masseurs feel more comfortable if they know in advance a little bit about the other) so I would say - with all due respect - is that this guy is simply crazy... I am sure there are other masseurs in the area, just move on...

I seriously think you did everything perfectly...

 

Best of luck to you in the future!

 

PS: BostonPhil: That does not mean that your mom is not awesome

[JoeyBryant]

I never thought I would have anything to add to "The Spa"

 

For an alternative perspective I called my mother, a licensed massage therapist in Tuscon, to find out what she would do.

 

"Mom if a guy called you and asked to make an appointment and included this information (insert OP description) what would your response be?"

 

Point is my moms is awesome, she taught me to be sassy and everyone knows what discreet, DL, on the low etc means. It is sad however that any one would turn down a client based on race. The only group of people I wouldn't see are active duty sailors.

 

OK, you are #1 asking your mom and #2 asking a woman who happens to be your mom. That answer is going to be different in the straight world than in the gay world.

 

Reason being is because I personally have heard from clients who have hired masseurs and then did 'other stuff' for the same price as a massage. And, if it weren't true; how is it that 99% of clients seeking massage seem to be so comfortable getting nude?

 

Then again, I feel discreet is such a redundant word that people throw it out there lightly. Why not a face pic? "I want to be discreet". As in...I have a partner/wife/husband. Everybody wants to be discreet in 2012. The OP has an obvious reason to be discreet...and getting a massage from a gay man should be discreet in his case. Still not seeing how that means happy ending.

[niceandthick]

OP here.

 

I love the discussion on this thread. It echoes some of the same discussions I have had bouncing around in my head.

 

I just wanted to add some additional information and comment on some of the other replies.The word discreet seems to have been a hot button.

• After starting the thread this morning, I notified the masseur that I had posted this on a discussion board. This was the first communication I had with him since he rejection. I wanted to let him know that:
  
  • I attempted to removed the specifics in the post as to keep his anonymity
    
  • That he was welcome to see the discussion (I provided a link)
    
  • That he could also join in on the discussion if he like
    
  • That I would edit it more if he was uncomfortable with what I had posted
    

   

  [*]There are many times/activities when a person chooses discretion and it doesn't have to be about sex. I don't always want everyone to know what I am doing...in some cases...not even my spouse (yes that's an entirely different issue)

  • If I had hit the Mega Millions Jackpot, My family and I would have chosen to be discreet about my big payday. I wouldn't want to be on Good Morning America.
    
  • The word discreet in my response to the masseur was derived from my many encounters with other masseurs. I had supplied the masseur with my phone number as good faith that I was serious about the session. I also mentioned discretion because in the past I have had experienced:
    
  • 
    
    • A masseur returning my call at 9pm about a session.
      
    • A traveling masseur that would text me every time he was coming into town to ask me if I wanted to set up a session. It took several requests over several months to get him to remove me from his contact list.
      
    • Masseurs that email you unsolicited monthly emails, newsletters, and availability advertisements.
      

   

• 
  

 

[*]

 

Additionally, I think that personality and perspective count a lot in peoples perspective. I am a "glass is half full" type of person. I always look for the best in things/situations...not the worst.

 

Note that in my communication with the masseur, I stated that I was also fitness instructor. When I am teaching to a group or working with a client 1-on-1 it helps to know things about the population you are working with. Of course I don't need to know that the lady in the front row has been visiting with her grand kids all week...but it certainly helps to explain why she is a little fatigued and off her game today.It also helps that I know it's the first time in class for the guy in the back corner, and to know that Susie will always be late to class because she has to drop 3 kids off at the day care center. So...with my "bio" I was trying to provide some background information so that he would have an upfront idea of who he would be working with so that he could be best prepared for the session.

 

I am not hung up on this masseur. I can certainly move onto the next (although I find the pickings slim here in the DC area). I merely posted as a matter of discussion and maybe to learn something from the wise folks here.

 

Thanks guys...

[Lohengrin1979]

I have to agree with Peter on this one. This guy sounds a little off. His responses seem very inflexible and cold and not at all in keeping with fostering good customer service and gaining new clientele. Although the information you offered him may seem excessive to some, it did not seem so to me. I often provide new masseurs with physical info about myself from the get go. I also throw around the word "discreet" because I am a performer and don't need to advertise to the world that I hire hot men for relaxing massages. Personally, after his first rather rigid response, I would have sent him an email thanking him for the info and informing him that I would not be needing his services after all.

 

Regards,

 

Lohengrin

[jjkrkwood]

OP here.

 

I love the discussion on this thread. It echoes some of the same discussions I have had bouncing around in my head.

 

I just wanted to add some additional information and comment on some of the other replies.The word discreet seems to have been a hot button.

• After starting the thread this morning, I notified the masseur that I had posted this on a discussion board. This was the first communication I had with him since he rejection. I wanted to let him know that:
  
  • I attempted to removed the specifics in the post as to keep his anonymity
    
  • That he was welcome to see the discussion (I provided a link)
    
  • That he could also join in on the discussion if he like
    
  • That I would edit it more if he was uncomfortable with what I had posted
    

   

  [*]There are many times/activities when a person chooses discretion and it doesn't have to be about sex. I don't always want everyone to know what I am doing...in some cases...not even my spouse (yes that's an entirely different issue)

  • If I had hit the Mega Millions Jackpot, My family and I would have chosen to be discreet about my big payday. I wouldn't want to be on Good Morning America.
    
  • The word discreet in my response to the masseur was derived from my many encounters with other masseurs. I had supplied the masseur with my phone number as good faith that I was serious about the session. I also mentioned discretion because in the past I have had experienced:
    
  • 
    
    • A masseur returning my call at 9pm about a session.
      
    • A traveling masseur that would text me every time he was coming into town to ask me if I wanted to set up a session. It took several requests over several months to get him to remove me from his contact list.
      
    • Masseurs that email you unsolicited monthly emails, newsletters, and availability advertisements.
      

   

• 
  

 

[*]

 

Additionally, I think that personality and perspective count a lot in peoples perspective. I am a "glass is half full" type of person. I always look for the best in things/situations...not the worst.

 

Note that in my communication with the masseur, I stated that I was also fitness instructor. When I am teaching to a group or working with a client 1-on-1 it helps to know things about the population you are working with. Of course I don't need to know that the lady in the front row has been visiting with her grand kids all week...but it certainly helps to explain why she is a little fatigued and off her game today.It also helps that I know it's the first time in class for the guy in the back corner, and to know that Susie will always be late to class because she has to drop 3 kids off at the day care center. So...with my "bio" I was trying to provide some background information so that he would have an upfront idea of who he would be working with so that he could be best prepared for the session.

 

I am not hung up on this masseur. I can certainly move onto the next (although I find the pickings slim here in the DC area). I merely posted as a matter of discussion and maybe to learn something from the wise folks here.

 

Thanks guys...

 

I didnt see the NEED to contact the masseur any further after he politely rejected your offer to hire. Althoguh you say you are NOT "hung up" on this masseur, I think that may not be the case. I have no issue with your posting of your experience here, but the maaseur didnt need to be included in any followup correspondance. Really NandT, its best to move on !

[bigvalboy]

OP here.

 

I love the discussion on this thread. It echoes some of the same discussions I have had bouncing around in my head.

 

I just wanted to add some additional information and comment on some of the other replies.The word discreet seems to have been a hot button.

• After starting the thread this morning, I notified the masseur that I had posted this on a discussion board. This was the first communication I had with him since he rejection. I wanted to let him know that:
  
  • I attempted to removed the specifics in the post as to keep his anonymity
    
  • That he was welcome to see the discussion (I provided a link)
    
  • That he could also join in on the discussion if he like
    
  • That I would edit it more if he was uncomfortable with what I had posted
    

   

  [*]There are many times/activities when a person chooses discretion and it doesn't have to be about sex. I don't always want everyone to know what I am doing...in some cases...not even my spouse (yes that's an entirely different issue)

  • If I had hit the Mega Millions Jackpot, My family and I would have chosen to be discreet about my big payday. I wouldn't want to be on Good Morning America.
    
  • The word discreet in my response to the masseur was derived from my many encounters with other masseurs. I had supplied the masseur with my phone number as good faith that I was serious about the session. I also mentioned discretion because in the past I have had experienced:
    
  • 
    
    • A masseur returning my call at 9pm about a session.
      
    • A traveling masseur that would text me every time he was coming into town to ask me if I wanted to set up a session. It took several requests over several months to get him to remove me from his contact list.
      
    • Masseurs that email you unsolicited monthly emails, newsletters, and availability advertisements.
      

   

• 
  

 

[*]

 

Additionally, I think that personality and perspective count a lot in peoples perspective. I am a "glass is half full" type of person. I always look for the best in things/situations...not the worst.

 

Note that in my communication with the masseur, I stated that I was also fitness instructor. When I am teaching to a group or working with a client 1-on-1 it helps to know things about the population you are working with. Of course I don't need to know that the lady in the front row has been visiting with her grand kids all week...but it certainly helps to explain why she is a little fatigued and off her game today.It also helps that I know it's the first time in class for the guy in the back corner, and to know that Susie will always be late to class because she has to drop 3 kids off at the day care center. So...with my "bio" I was trying to provide some background information so that he would have an upfront idea of who he would be working with so that he could be best prepared for the session.

 

I am not hung up on this masseur. I can certainly move onto the next (although I find the pickings slim here in the DC area). I merely posted as a matter of discussion and maybe to learn something from the wise folks here.

 

Thanks guys...

 

First of all niceandthick, you have a great attitude, and I applaud you for that, but you do have me curious. When you notified the masseur on here, what if any was his response to all of this? just curious. It would be nice to know that from all of this discussion you and he came to a better conclusion than the original response. You can pm me if you prefer. Thanks, BVB

[josephga]

Just out of curiosity is there a link to this massage therapist ad? It's not mentioned in any of the responses if it was a personal business website catering to anyone that see's the ad. male, female. str8 or gay. I know on massage m4m masseurfinder we are use to hearing terms like discreet. But in general it's normally a turn off in other area's of advertising. like with spa's dr's or those advertising in a non sensual setting

[JoeyBryant]

Just out of curiosity is there a link to this massage therapist ad? It's not mentioned in any of the responses if it was a personal business website catering to anyone that see's the ad. male, female. str8 or gay. I know on massage m4m masseurfinder we are use to hearing terms like discreet. But in general it's normally a turn off in other area's of advertising. like with spa's dr's or those advertising in a non sensual setting

 

Exactly...

 

That's why some men are willing to pay more for massage than at a $35/hr assembly line massage parlor advertised in the coupon clipper. You can't (as far as I know) get nude at Massage Envy. I had a client who told me he'd went to one of those 'massage parlors' and began to get nude. The lady freaked out and ran out the room telling him it wasn't that kind of massage. Was he expecting a happy ending? No...he just assumed from sites like massagem4m and masseur finder that it was okay to get nude.

[niceandthick]

First of all niceandthick, you have a great attitude, and I applaud you for that, but you do have me curious. When you notified the masseur on here, what if any was his response to all of this? just curious. It would be nice to know that from all of this discussion you and he came to a better conclusion than the original response. You can pm me if you prefer. Thanks, BVB

 

The masseur has not responded nor acknowledged receiving my notification.