"Le Comedy of Errors" or "The Client I Just Saw"

[maxwellissmart]

The life of an escort...

 

Oh for fuck's sake. If it could go wrong, it did go wrong.

 

Dude contacts me via email. Interested in seeing you tonight, married, 45, good looking, want to top.

 

Ugh. It's been so long since I've bottomed, I'm hoping it's not hard to get clean and get ready.

 

Shoot me a phone number in case I need to change the time slightly, and so I can give directions once you're in my apt complex. Nope, can't do that—I'm PRIVATE.

 

Great. As long as your email goes to your phone, just in case something comes up.

 

Ta daa! I can't get clean. I've tried for over an hour now, and I. Can't. Get. Clean. Then—knock-knock. "Surprise! We thought we'd take you out to dinner!"

 

Awesome. Not. Ring ring. Unknown number—it's him. Umm.. let me get that. (whisper in my bedroom: Yes, my parents just showed up, so I can't meet. I don't know how long, how about tomorrow? Well, you originally said tomorrow works as well. Well, I'm sorry that you juggled your schedule (he contacted me just over 90 minutes ago), there's not much I can do at this point. What about later tonight—COMING, I'll BE RIGHT THERE! I'll try to be home by 9. No, I can't meet at 8, that's 45 minutes from now. Okay, later).

 

Every 15 minutes—a text. Done yet? Done yet? What do you look like? Send me a pic.

 

Finally done and heading home. Quick jump in shower to make sure I'm not going to blow water all over him. Everything seems fine. All right, head this way. You better not cancel this time. (If I hadn't gotten sick last week, I certainly would, dude).

 

I'm here, where are you? I'll be right now. Ah, you're foreign—this could be fun.

 

Nice apartment. Thanks, I like—umm, are we gonna get naked? Well, uh, umm... sure. Immediately starts stripping off clothing in my living room, in such a rush that he almost falls down. Ah, you're the kind of "foreign" who is on the down-low and fucks like a rabbit. This is not going to be fun. Umm, let's go back to the bedroom and slow down and get comfortable (since this is supposed to be a 90 minute massage/escort session).

 

Let me break out some lotion and—nah, we don't need any lotion. Oh, I thought you wanted to start off with some massage—uh, no, we can forget that. You like to get fucked? I wanna be inside you right now. (Fucked as foreplay? Umm, not really). Here, lay like this—(puts my legs in the air and starts to push)—Umm, wait dude. Let me get some lube and a condom. Here. Let's put this on and I'll get on top of you so I can get used to—starts pushing with no lube on his dick—okay, let me put some lube on me and—YOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, STOP.

 

What's wrong? Okay, you have to stop. Why? I'm not even that big. Okay (after about a minute), let me control this for a minute, all right? I have to get used to you first. Uh, okay—whatever. (tries again, and immediately starts rabbit fucking me as soon as he's halfway in). Okay, this isn't going to work. I rip off condom and immediately start sucking him, which he apparently enjoys, since he cums in less than 3 minutes. I spend more time talking about the amount he's cum, which roughly doubles the amount of time we've actually spent having sex. (maybe 10 minutes?)

 

Shower, dress. "Well, that was quick." (Naw.. really? Well maybe it wouldn't have been had you actually let me do what you said you wanted and what I'm here for and not acted like some sort of crazed diabetic at the candy factory). Here you go, bye.

 

And naturally... he shorted me.

 

(the bright side—I never had to come, so bring on Client #2. Yay!)

[+ Travis69]

If you lived on the first floor you could have a drive thru window where you would just stick your butt out the window and they could pump and go..... Just think of his poor wife who gets that "romance" every night.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

There must be a full moon today. It's been a day of errors for me as well.

 

After getting ready this morning for work, I grabbed my briefcase and headed to the kitchen to poor a cup of coffee (I had set the coffee maker to self start last night.) I get there and discover that somehow I didn't get the pot placed in the coffee maker correctly and the coffee is on the counter. So after cleaning up the coffee, I ran out the door so I could swing by Tim Horton's for my morning coffee fix and still make my 7:00 appt.

 

As I parked the car and realized that I had only 5 minutes to get to my meeting, I reached into the back seat for my briefcase (with my notes for the morning meeting.) And suddenly I realized that it was still sitting on the kitchen counter where I set it to clean up the spilled coffee. And so the day started.

[maxwellissmart]

If you lived on the first floor you could have a drive thru window where you would just stick your butt out the window and they could pump and go..... Just think of his poor wife who gets that "romance" every night.

 

Oh God. That poor woman. And yes, it's a full moon—I noted that as we were walking up the stairs when he first got here. Lots of strange emails today and yesterday, especially from people who have contacted me before, told me I was too expensive (they didn't want to spend more than $50) or not worth hiring because I wouldn't send out a face pic, and yet—here they are again.

[josephga]

lol this was a email I got last night. it just raised flags for me. I have a license to protect no way was i answering his questions i just deleted it with no response this is the same guy thats emailed me every week for a year but refuses to speak on the phone or provide a number

 

m considering an erotic massage, but I want to get some idea of what you offer. I have been getting regular massages lately but it's mostly therapeutic with a little bit of sensual thrown in. I prefer to be nude and my regular therapist is nude as well and he doesn't mind mutual touching. That would be a good start to my erotic massage, but I'm just wondering how far it goes from there. Obviously with you massaging me, I will get an erection, but do you? How much can I touch you? Can I suck you? How much do you do to me? How much is massage and how much is erotic? I would likely be interested in a 90 min session with a shower before and after...would you join me? What is the difference between sensual and erotic for you? I hope you don't mind answering my questions. I look forward to your response. Thanks!

[maxwellissmart]

lol this was a email I got last night. it just raised flags for me. I have a license to protect no way was i answering his questions i just deleted it with no response this is the same guy thats emailed me every week for a year but refuses to speak on the phone or provide a number

 

m considering an erotic massage, but I want to get some idea of what you offer. I have been getting regular massages lately but it's mostly therapeutic with a little bit of sensual thrown in. I prefer to be nude and my regular therapist is nude as well and he doesn't mind mutual touching. That would be a good start to my erotic massage, but I'm just wondering how far it goes from there. Obviously with you massaging me, I will get an erection, but do you? How much can I touch you? Can I suck you? How much do you do to me? How much is massage and how much is erotic? I would likely be interested in a 90 min session with a shower before and after...would you join me? What is the difference between sensual and erotic for you? I hope you don't mind answering my questions. I look forward to your response. Thanks!

 

This reminds me of the Play-By-Play Client—who insists on knowing in minute detail what to expect during his appointment. I always tell people that every appointment is spontaneous as every client is different.

[jjkrkwood]

Well, my boss asked me to take out the garbage, so we Both had a bad day !

[Guest JackF]

It must've been a full moon....I also had alot of weird contacts yesterday.

Those who've called before and would never book, multiple emails/texts/voicemails from a "sober guy" between the hours of 1:45am - 3am....sorry pal, I'm sleeping at those hours. And many other people including an "Uncle Ken T" who likes to get sucked, haha.

[maxwellissmart]

It must've been a full moon....I also had alot of weird contacts yesterday.

Those who've called before and would never book, multiple emails/texts/voicemails from a "sober guy" between the hours of 1:45am - 3am....sorry pal, I'm sleeping at those hours. And many other people including an "Uncle Ken T" who likes to get sucked, haha.

 

AND HE USED MY DECORATOR TOWEL which wasn't meant to be washed. Did I NOT have a towel out for him right next to the shower? Was it not CLEAR that the towel was meant to be used and not the towel that was on the other side of the bathroom?

 

Stupid bastard.

[josephga]

A client used my shower once and took MY DECORATOR TOWEL tossed it in the floor and used it to step on after getting out of the shower

[maxwellissmart]

A client used my shower once and took MY DECORATOR TOWEL tossed it in the floor and used it to step on after getting out of the shower

 

Asshole. I would never go in someone's house and do something like that. Of course, I would never try to fuck someone with lube either—but there you go.

[josephga]

I've had guys get on the table and start groping the moment the hit the table. grabbing my balls aggressively trying to stick a dry finger in my ass. those are the ones I don't let come back

[maxwellissmart]

I've had guys get on the table and start groping the moment the hit the table. grabbing my balls aggressively trying to stick a dry finger in my ass. those are the ones I don't let come back

 

I wish I had a phaser. Not the new kind, the old kind that made people disintegrate and disappear, like in Star Trek 3.

[Guest JackF]

And here we are again, back at square one with the obvious need to have the lesson "Escorting 101 -- For the Client"

 

Have to give some guys credit (as have posted on the board) that they are relatively new and inexperienced with a guy or seeing an escort, so I will give them that. Plus alot of guys are SO nervous when they meet an escort, they can't get hard/stay hard/get off, etc. and it doesn't hit them until after the appointment. Maybe that's what happened to this guy....?

[Guest JackF]

Also, just realized that he shorted you....what a cheapskate! Obviously you didn't count it before he left, did you try to contact him and let him know? Must've done it on purpose, how much did he short you? Probably TOO MUCH considering he tried to screw you without lube hahah

[maxwellissmart]

And here we are again, back at square one with the obvious need to have the lesson "Escorting 101 -- For the Client"

 

Have to give some guys credit (as have posted on the board) that they are relatively new and inexperienced with a guy or seeing an escort, so I will give them that. Plus alot of guys are SO nervous when they meet an escort, they can't get hard/stay hard/get off, etc. and it doesn't hit them until after the appointment. Maybe that's what happened to this guy....?

 

No, he wasn't new—it was pretty obvious from the dialogue we had before that he had done this before. And I didn't count because I wanted him to hurry and get the fuck out of my apartment. Ugh. (my poor towel)

[Kevin Slater]

Ugh. (my poor towel)

 

On the flip side, why the fuck do people hang decorative towels in the bathroom? Isn't that kind of like hanging decorative t.p. next to the john?

 

Kevin Slater

[maxwellissmart]

On the flip side, why the fuck do people hang decorative towels in the bathroom? Isn't that kind of like hanging decorative t.p. next to the john?

 

Kevin Slater

 

Why do people not show up spontaneously at the Eagle when I'm in NYC, to buy me drinks? It's just another of life's unanswerable mysteries, Kevin.

[corndog]

why the fuck do people hang decorative towels in the bathroom?

 

Thanks, Kevin. My thought exactly.

 

I certainly don't want to come to the defense of the client in the original post, but I've had the frustrating experience of being the guest in someone's bathroom and not being able to figure out which products I'm supposed to use or which towels. What does it tell you about someone if their bathroom is set up without the slightest inkling that someone might actually want to wash their hands after using the toilet? No hand soap? Really? No hand towel??? Or, prissy little carved soaps that are -- I assume -- just for decoration.

[maxwellissmart]

Thanks, Kevin. My thought exactly.

 

I certainly don't want to come to the defense of the client in the original post, but I've had the frustrating experience of being the guest in someone's bathroom and not being able to figure out which products I'm supposed to use or which towels. What does it tell you about someone if their bathroom is set up without the slightest inkling that someone might actually want to wash their hands after using the toilet? No hand soap? Really? No hand towel??? Or, prissy little carved soaps that are -- I assume -- just for decoration.

 

When someone points out that the towel beside the bathtub is "for you," that means use THAT TOWEL instead of the other towel across the bathroom that isn't even conveniently located or bath-towel sized. Oh, and I forgot that he smirked at the choice of soap, stating that "the only thing unscented soaps are good for is making [his] skin dry. So no thanks."

 

No, they're good for not making you smell out of the ordinary so your suspicious wife doesn't think you're sleeping around.

[corndog]

Sorry, Max... I didn't mean to make any judgements about your particular situation, I was just venting in general about decorator towels and such. I'm totally with you on all this.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

No, they're good for not making you smell out of the ordinary so your suspicious wife doesn't think you're sleeping around.

 

Or for the clients with skin allergies that react to the scented soaps.

[josephga]

When someone points out that the towel beside the bathtub is "for you," that means use THAT TOWEL instead of the other towel across the bathroom that isn't even conveniently located or bath-towel sized. Oh, and I forgot that he smirked at the choice of soap, stating that "the only thing unscented soaps are good for is making [his] skin dry. So no thanks."

 

No, they're good for not making you smell out of the ordinary so your suspicious wife doesn't think you're sleeping around.

 

 

I even given the massage clients a hotel size soap that I toss in the trash when they leave. and the towels there's no confusion or shouldn't be. If t say they ask to shower b4 or after the massage I go with them to the shower I turn on the water, hand them the fresh soap and say here is your towel and i toss it over the shower rod. still this guy managed to toss my good towel in the floor and step on it. I know I'm OCD lol I buy towels just for the clients and keep mine in a separate room and a different color. I won't dry off with the towel I bought for them lol I know I have OCD

[maxwellissmart]

Sorry, Max... I didn't mean to make any judgements about your particular situation, I was just venting in general about decorator towels and such. I'm totally with you on all this.

 

I didn't think that at all. I don't spend my time judging people on this forum.

 

I spend my time prejudging people on this forum (it's much more fun).

 

[maxwellissmart]

Well, to continue with the "full-moon theme" of the weekend, I'm batting .667 today (two + and one -)—the high point being my black client with the beautiful cock and awesome personality. A big thank you to Awesome Black Client's boyfriend for being out of town this weekend.