When you just can’t get it up

[Cal28]

First of all, I’m amazed by how addictive this board is. I first tuned in just a few weeks ago, had my start as a client, put up a post or two and figured I was done. But I keep coming back here, ‘cause it’s really fascinating. Between watching Project Runway All-Stars (Mondo hit it out of the park… once again) while reading about the Best Fisting Tops in NYC, it’s quite a Friday night.

 

So escorts: what happens when you just can’t get it up for a client? I don’t just mean a hard-on… I’m thinking about overall enthusiasm/energy. I assume that it takes a terrific imagination, or a voracious sexual appetite, or both, to work successfully with clients of all shapes, sizes and looks. What do you do when you’re just not feeling it? Related to that, are there ever instances where you size up a client and, for whatever reason, say “thanks, but no thanks” and walk out?

 

(I apologize in advance if these are well-worn forum topics… I just didn’t see them when I made my way through the archives.)

[maxwellissmart]

First of all, I’m amazed by how addictive this board is. I first tuned in just a few weeks ago, had my start as a client, put up a post or two and figured I was done. But I keep coming back here, ‘cause it’s really fascinating. Between watching Project Runway All-Stars (Mondo hit it out of the park… once again) while reading about the Best Fisting Tops in NYC, it’s quite a Friday night.

 

So escorts: what happens when you just can’t get it up for a client? I don’t just mean a hard-on… I’m thinking about overall enthusiasm/energy. I assume that it takes a terrific imagination, or a voracious sexual appetite, or both, to work successfully with clients of all shapes, sizes and looks. What do you do when you’re just not feeling it? Related to that, are there ever instances where you size up a client and, for whatever reason, say “thanks, but no thanks” and walk out?

 

(I apologize in advance if these are well-worn forum topics… I just didn’t see them when I made my way through the archives.)

 

Well Cal—I was waiting for someone else to answer your question first, but they are all taking their sweet time. So I guess I'll jump into the fray.

 

If I just don't have the energy to meet with someone, I typically cancel if the appointment has already been made, or I come up with an excuse (I'm busy) if they're asking to schedule. Like I've said before, I'd rather not risk a bad review, or take someone's money when they got less than what they paid for. I've never canceled an appointment once I've met with a client, but I have greatly shortened one from an overnight to an hour because of one of the reasons listed below. I see clients of all shapes, sizes, colors, ages and so forth. And I usually have a great time with clients of all shapes, sizes, colors, ages and so forth. Here's the top reasons why I won't see a client (or see them again):

 

— they were unconcerned with hygiene or their house was unclean (and I don't mean the garden-variety slightly dirty condom)

I try to give clients a LOT of latitude about this. But I've definitely had clients who could have come straight from an episode of "Hoarders."

 

— they were unfriendly/creepy/overly demanding

I've had clients tell me what we we're doing is morally wrong (WTF?), that I was the worst escort they've ever seen (and yet, they'll call me back), or want me to make them come 37 times and then get frustrated when they can't even get an erection because they've masturbated 12 times before I got there. And somehow that turns into MY fault.

 

— they obviously misrepresented something

I've had clients describe themselves as fun-loving and into all sorts of things that they had no interest in whatsoever. There's nothing like giving a massage to a corpse.

 

— they were too restrictive

There are few things more frustrating than: "I'm ticklish/I don't like that/I'm not taking my shirt off/I don't like kissing/ I don't like rimming/I don't like being touched/I don't like blah blah blah blah blah." I've had to stop myself from telling clients: "It's no wonder that you are single."

 

— they were unsafe or had an immediate health issue

"Hey, I've got a great idea—let's bareback!" Umm—no. And thank God I've only seen one client who had an obvious outbreak of something and I stopped the appointment right then and there.

 

— they just didn't know what the hell they were doing

You know, it's not that hard to put your lips together. Or to suck on a lollipop. Neither require your teeth, and yet—I can't tell you the number of people who suddenly channel Hannibal Lecter when doing either of these things. I assume upon making an appointment that you have a Certificate of Basic Lovemaking framed and posted on your wall, along with a passing grade in Lubing Your Fingers Before Attempted Insertion 101. Some people have an inherent understanding of this—and some people just don't get it.

 

— they shorted me

You pay what was agreed upon. I will be the first to lessen the amount if something didn't go as planned, or the time was unexpectedly cut short, or what have you. If you take it upon yourself to do this, most likely I will never see you again. And I'll let the other escorts in town know you're a cheapskate as well. There's mistakes, and then there's outright deception.

 

Keep in mind the vast majority of clients are great once I actually meet them, and I would gladly see them again. It helps that I like older guys and bear types—and yes, sometimes I'll think about one client while I'm with another client. Luckily for me, I do have that voracious sexual appetite, a lot of erogeous zones, have a great imagination, and am turned on by the whole client-escort process itself. I've wanted to fuck my boss at almost every job I've ever held. Now I get to.

[unsub2O17]

Thanks to Cal for the question and to Maxwell for the thoughtful response. I can only add a quick personal response to back up Maxwell. I had a scheduled appointment with an escort that I'd been with before. The morning of the appointment he emailed me that he'd been unable to sleep well the night before, and he didn't think that he could perform at his best. He asked to reschedule which we did and had a great time subsequently. I complimented him on his honesty and integrity.

[bigvalboy]

It helps that I like older guys and bear types—and yes, Luckily for me, I do have that voracious sexual appetite,

 

And we are coming to SoCal when exactly????? If you want me to beg, I will....

[maxwellissmart]

And we are coming to SoCal when exactly????? If you want me to beg, I will....

 

I would love to come to SoCal, actually. Show me some "good times" and we'll see.

 

And by "good times" I mean "these are the.. GOOD TIMES, leave your cares be-hind" and not the "keeping your head above water, making your way when you can" GOOD TIMES.

 

Just to clarify. Do you know any movie producers?

[+ g56whiz]

they just didn't know what the hell they were doing

You know, it's not that hard to put your lips together. Or to suck on a lollipop. Neither require your teeth, and yet—I can't tell you the number of people who suddenly channel Hannibal Lecter when doing either of these things. I assume upon making an appointment that you have a Certificate of Basic Lovemaking framed and posted on your wall, along with a passing grade in Lubing Your Fingers Before Attempted Insertion 101. Some people have an inherent understanding of this—and some people just don't get it.

 

Hold it just a sec.

 

I've always suspected that there's a market out there for the escort as surrogate sex therapist. Not all of us come out or become sexually active as young adults and when you come out later there is always a sometimes erroneous expectation that we actually know what we are doing. I'm surprised some enterprising young escort hasn't come out with a mentoring program: three/five visits and you take the client from naive to confident slut. The interactions would be entirely different but both would take that into account going in. And the reward to the escort (other than money) could be extraordinary. Think physical therapist who teaches someone how to walk again restoring them to fullness of life. Just think about it. Its marketable!

[raulgmanzo]

Actually that is exactly what a lot of us do.

 

While some escorts seem to cultivate crushes and exploit their clients needs and vulnerabilities there are others of us who love to see clients expand their sexuality. I like clients to feel good enough about themselves that they hire me as an indulgence and not because they think they have no other sexual outlet.

 

I've helped MANY clients feel good enough about themselves that they brave online hookup sites, relationships etc if that is in fact what they appreciate.

 

Hold it just a sec.

 

I've always suspected that there's a market out there for the escort as surrogate sex therapist. Not all of us come out or become sexually active as young adults and when you come out later there is always a sometimes erroneous expectation that we actually know what we are doing. I'm surprised some enterprising young escort hasn't come out with a mentoring program: three/five visits and you take the client from naive to confident slut. The interactions would be entirely different but both would take that into account going in. And the reward to the escort (other than money) could be extraordinary. Think physical therapist who teaches someone how to walk again restoring them to fullness of life. Just think about it. Its marketable!

[Bosguy]

Actually that is exactly what a lot of us do.

 

While some escorts seem to cultivate crushes and exploit their clients needs and vulnerabilities there are others of us who love to see clients expand their sexuality. I like clients to feel good enough about themselves that they hire me as an indulgence and not because they think they have no other sexual outlet.

 

I've helped MANY clients feel good enough about themselves that they brave online hookup sites, relationships etc if that is in fact what they appreciate.

 

Raul brings out the adventurous side in us and makes every experience new and unique. You come away looking forward to the next adventure. No woodie problems for either person.

 

Boston Bill

[bigvalboy]

I would love to come to SoCal, actually. Show me some "good times" and we'll see.

 

And by "good times" I mean "these are the.. GOOD TIMES, leave your cares be-hind" and not the "keeping your head above water, making your way when you can" GOOD TIMES.

 

Just to clarify. Do you know any movie producers?

 

AAHHH, now see those GOOD TIMES are a bit more difficult...and try as I might, I simply do not know any movie producers. Someday though I hope to get you to SoCal or Fort Lauderdale just for some simple "Good Times".....eh Max???

[unsub2O17]

Hold it just a sec.

 

I've always suspected that there's a market out there for the escort as surrogate sex therapist. Not all of us come out or become sexually active as young adults and when you come out later there is always a sometimes erroneous expectation that we actually know what we are doing. I'm surprised some enterprising young escort hasn't come out with a mentoring program: three/five visits and you take the client from naive to confident slut. The interactions would be entirely different but both would take that into account going in. And the reward to the escort (other than money) could be extraordinary. Think physical therapist who teaches someone how to walk again restoring them to fullness of life. Just think about it. Its marketable!

 

65 and just starting. And that's exactly what my first (and, so far only) escort has done for me. I asked and he showed. Now, it's a bigger "wow" for both of us each time.

[raulgmanzo]

Well it works both ways.

 

I like to think that all of us escort, client, young, old, experienced or not are always learning new things.

 

It is also therapy for myself. Until I started escorting, relatively late in life, I was very inexperienced and had difficulty expressing myself sexually. I've sure learned a lot from my clients and been taken on some awesome adventures.

 

So thanks to many of you for sharing in so many ways.

 

Hold it just a sec.

 

I've always suspected that there's a market out there for the escort as surrogate sex therapist. Not all of us come out or become sexually active as young adults and when you come out later there is always a sometimes erroneous expectation that we actually know what we are doing. I'm surprised some enterprising young escort hasn't come out with a mentoring program: three/five visits and you take the client from naive to confident slut. The interactions would be entirely different but both would take that into account going in. And the reward to the escort (other than money) could be extraordinary. Think physical therapist who teaches someone how to walk again restoring them to fullness of life. Just think about it. Its marketable!

[Cal28]

Maxwell, thank you for getting the ball rolling with your insightful response… funny and with good information, as always.

 

The escort/client relationship seems to be, IMO, fraught with opportunities for one party to show disrespect to the other. I’m certain that some clients come to the table with all sorts of over-the-top demands and unrealistic expectations. Escorts, too, can become arrogant after hearing all the time about how hot/hung/big/rough/smooth/thick/tight they are; and develop a cynicism that comes from having seen it all. As a (albeit brand-new) client, though, I’m more apt to give the benefit of the doubt to the escort, in most cases.

 

It’s as easy as doing the math: the escort has X number of encounters a week vs. the average for the majority of clients (what, a few times a year, at the most?) It stands to reason that courteous and respectful clients will stand out from the crowd and receive the best service (and I’m sure escorts can size up their clients very, very quickly.) There’s no excuse for a client to be smelly and gross, or to have a house that’s smelly and gross, or to proselytize (WTF, indeed) or to try to short-change, or to put the escort in any sort of harm’s way. Those should be givens.

 

I also agree that if you’re going to be a client, you need to shed at least a little of your inhibitions… otherwise, why bother? I’m not exactly in the best shape of my life, and after having been with only one guy for the last 15 years, I had lots of reasons to be reticent during my first escort experience. But I feel as though I did pretty well. Having a super-hot escort who is also skilled in making his client feel comfortable also helps… and I’m sure you’re great at this, Maxwell.

 

What some of the others have said here, about the escort being sort of a sex therapist, really resonates with me, though. I anticipate being a client once again, and perhaps in the relatively near future. It isn’t (just) about getting my rocks off: I want to learn and experience things so that I will be more comfortable and confident to get back out there into the dating world, when the time comes. For some people, this comes naturally; it never has for me. I view the escort/client paradigm as a more forgiving environment for me to heighten my comfort level with sex and maybe an easier place to make honest mistakes. But it’s also my responsibility to describe that to the escort in advance, to see whether or not he’s game... and THAT is one of the several things I’ve learned from the forum.

 

The escort/client paradigm is also fantasy-land, of course. I confess to being concerned about getting more involved in it, to an extent that I won't be able to enjoy "just dating." But since I only have a single escort experience under my belt, I'm probably getting ahead of myself.

 

Your last line, BTW... priceless.

[Guest joeburger]

i hate it when that happens, the can't get it up part, it can happen. it has happened and it sucks. i would just turn the tables and just focus on pleasuring the client and that always worked. it's suppose to be about the client anyways and making sure they are taken care of.........in my opionin.

[leigh.bess.toad]

Maxwell, thank you for getting the ball rolling with your insightful response… funny and with good information, as always.

 

The escort/client relationship seems to be, IMO, fraught with opportunities for one party to show disrespect to the other. I’m certain that some clients come to the table with all sorts of over-the-top demands and unrealistic expectations. Escorts, too, can become arrogant after hearing all the time about how hot/hung/big/rough/smooth/thick/tight they are; and develop a cynicism that comes from having seen it all. As a (albeit brand-new) client, though, I’m more apt to give the benefit of the doubt to the escort, in most cases.

 

It’s as easy as doing the math: the escort has X number of encounters a week vs. the average for the majority of clients (what, a few times a year, at the most?) It stands to reason that courteous and respectful clients will stand out from the crowd and receive the best service (and I’m sure escorts can size up their clients very, very quickly.) There’s no excuse for a client to be smelly and gross, or to have a house that’s smelly and gross, or to proselytize (WTF, indeed) or to try to short-change, or to put the escort in any sort of harm’s way. Those should be givens.

 

I also agree that if you’re going to be a client, you need to shed at least a little of your inhibitions… otherwise, why bother? I’m not exactly in the best shape of my life, and after having been with only one guy for the last 15 years, I had lots of reasons to be reticent during my first escort experience. But I feel as though I did pretty well. Having a super-hot escort who is also skilled in making his client feel comfortable also helps… and I’m sure you’re great at this, Maxwell.

 

What some of the others have said here, about the escort being sort of a sex therapist, really resonates with me, though. I anticipate being a client once again, and perhaps in the relatively near future. It isn’t (just) about getting my rocks off: I want to learn and experience things so that I will be more comfortable and confident to get back out there into the dating world, when the time comes. For some people, this comes naturally; it never has for me. I view the escort/client paradigm as a more forgiving environment for me to heighten my comfort level with sex and maybe an easier place to make honest mistakes. But it’s also my responsibility to describe that to the escort in advance, to see whether or not he’s game... and THAT is one of the several things I’ve learned from the forum.

 

The escort/client paradigm is also fantasy-land, of course. I confess to being concerned about getting more involved in it, to an extent that I won't be able to enjoy "just dating." But since I only have a single escort experience under my belt, I'm probably getting ahead of myself.

 

Your last line, BTW... priceless.

 

Interesting thread, Cal. First, welcome and glad you are here. Trust me, if anyone knows how addictive this place can be, it's me. I will hit the 18 month mark here next week. Now, over 6,000 posts later (yup, made it to Peer with no one noticing ), if anyone knows what this place, what these men, both client and escort alike, can do for someone, it's me.

 

When I joined here, it'd been probably 15 years since I had sex with anyone except my good friend, Lefty. It'd been almost 30 years since I had sex with a man, and then it was only the quickies in the back of a gay movie theater. I had no idea what to expect. I was a closeted married man. Then I met my first couple of escorts. Happenstance made my first hires 4 days apart. And I was scared, nervous, terrified. What if I wasn't good? What if they didn't like me?

 

Thanks to these men, and with the support of the friends I had made here from the clients, I quickly discovered that this is really who I am -- a gay man. It was here that I first uttered the phrase "I am a gay man". Hell, I came out here as gay before I came out here as married (that surprised a few guys). Of course, I came out here as a married man many months after I came out to my wife as a gay man (backwards, I know). The escorts I have hired gave me confidence in myself, made me re-examine my life, how I thought of myself. I came to believe in myself, not only in bed with them but simply as a man. They all supported me tremendously when I came out, even if they all didn't agree with my decision to do it. But they have been friend, adviser, teacher, guide.

 

Because of these men, and my friends here, I felt confident enough in myself to answer an ad that intrigued me on CL. It was a headline I will never forget: "57 year old man looking for something more". I was almost 56 so the age matched. I didn't know if I was ready for a relationship but these guys had given me confidence to try. Tonight is the 9 month anniversary of my first date with the man who is now my bf/partner/life mate. I was the "something more" he was looking for, as he was to me. Because of what these men did for me, I now have the love of the most wonderful man, a perfect fit for me. Without my escorts, I wouldn't be looking at the possibility of spending the rest of my life madly in love. I owe them my future happiness. And yes, I've gotten a lot better sexually. So that when my partner told me this weekend how great our sex was, I told him it should be. I've learned from the very best. He certainly appreciates what these guys have done for me.

 

So now, 12 escorts and some 3 dozen hires later (and having met some 3 dozen clients as well), I am in the process of ending my days as a client. I'm ready to devote my life to my partner. Yet these men remain my friends. They are all so happy for me, knowing where I've come from to where I am now.

 

Treat these men well, treat them with the respect and courtesy you would any professional, and be willing to give of yourself, and you will be rewarded. It took me a long, long time to understand that common decency and courtesy will go a long way. But enjoy it. If you want to, and you let it, it can change your life. I know it has changed mine.

 

Again, welcome and glad to have you here.

[Diverdan]

Wonderful post, Lee... hope your weekend in DC was all you hoped for. Looking forward to a PM report !!

[Cal28]

Lee, thanks for your message and congrats on your anniversary. I really appreciate the sentiments you conveyed. The sense of community here is strong, and surprising, I have to say.

[SteveEscort]

’m thinking about overall enthusiasm/energy. I assume that it takes a terrific imagination, or a voracious sexual appetite, or both, to work successfully with clients of all shapes, sizes and looks. What do you do when you’re just not feeling it?

 

I've never walked out on a client but there have been times when I've lost interest in an appointment and cut it short. This is rare though.

 

Last month I had a regular client book me for 3.30pm, he's a cross dresser and always books an hour however, he pushes it because he wants to get dressed at my place. In the past he's arrived but seems to think the clock starts when he's dressed. He takes 15 minutes to get ready. Anyway he booked for 3.30pm and said he would ring at 3pm when he was leaving home. He didn't and I discreetly called him at 3.10pm to see what was happening but his calls went to voicemail.

 

He phoned me back at 5pm and asked for 6pm apologising about the previous fuck up. I agreed to it but told him I was picking up a friend at 7.15pm at the railway station and as it was snowing outside I really should be there to pick her up on time as I had promised it and we were going for a pizza. He said that was fine and arrived on time at 6pm. He took 15 minutes, (as usual) to get ready and then said "So Steve how are we doing for time, can she wait 15 minutes so I can get my full hour". I said "Dave (not his real name), I told you I had to be away for 7pm, so I really do need to be away for 7pm". He was really huffy and puffy about it and every 5 minutes kept saying, "How long do we have left". I lost my erection and couldn't cum for him and this was entirely his fault, had he stuck to the 3.30pm I would not have been under pressure like this. In the end he cum and I didn't and he had that disappointed tone in his voice. As he was leaving he said, "Well maybe next time I could get my full hour". I am not usually rude to clients but I said "Here Dave, take back £20 but in all fairness you've been here over an hour, it's 7.05pm and my friend arrives on a train from Durham in 10 minutes. I told you this before you came and your appointment time does not start when you finish getting ready, it starts when you arrive and although I've always been flexible in the past, you knew on this occasion I couldn't be". To my amazement he took the £20 and said "Good luck for the future".

 

I don't think he will be back but I am not that bothered, I can't perform under pressure and he wasn't an hours appointment, he was an hour and half who wanted to pay for 1 hours action and get 30 minutes dressing time thrown in. He pushed it knowing I had other plans and had a strop on when I wouldn't give him what he expected. He didn't really care about messing me about at 3,30pm so it's his loss

[Michael Wayne]

a short answer: If for whatever reason I cannot PERFORM and give them the NINE INCHES they booked then I accept no fee. simple as that. If I have to leave because of uncleaness, illegal drugs, unsafe environment , etc. then I simply wave the fee. I NEVER walk out because of a clients physical looks, weight etc. I have made a great living by being able to perform for guys who may be considered undesireable by the , "gods," in the gay community. I give them the hot guy they otherwise cannot get. If , for whatever reason, I cannot give them that then I accept no fee. HONESTY goes along way in this biz! http://www.rentboy.com/mikey9nola1