Dating an escort

[youngclient2]

Who here has dated an escort, and how have you escorts dated?

 

I recently became involved with a guy my age who used to be an escort. Note this isn't someone I've hired, just a guy. We've been together a few months. Recently he's run into money problems and the only options are for me to be his sugar daddy (something I'm not looking to do) or him escort again.

 

I do have my concerns and issues, but at the same time I'm very friendly and understanding to the world of escorting since I've hired many myself. He's also said he's okay with me hooking up with other guys as long as he doesn't know about it and I play safe.

 

How have you all dealt with dating?

[crok]

I think this doesn't have a good ending, at least for you. He escorts and is OK with you hooking up as long as he doesn't know? Something doesn't seem right unless you are happy getting what you are getting for free.

[youngclient2]

We do live together (I already said no incalls) and I like him, but I do like the idea of being able to play around with other hot guys on the side. And he gives me companionship and free sex (sometimes). So I guess it's like an open relationship. Just wondering if escorts or anyone who dated escorts has some input.

[jjkrkwood]

We do live together (I already said no incalls) and I like him, but I do like the idea of being able to play around with other hot guys on the side. And he gives me companionship and free sex (sometimes). So I guess it's like an open relationship. Just wondering if escorts or anyone who dated escorts has some input.

 

HE gives you ???? That statement alone sounds cold and mechanical. It doesnt sound like a "relationship", it sounds like a business proposition, and implies that you dont bring anything to the table and he is doing you some "FAVOR"... Honey, I dont know you so I cant really advise you, but it doesnt sound equitable to me. Money problems have been the downfall of many a relationship, and I personally would feel resentment if I had to foot the bills long term.... However, if you are finding happiness in this situation, Great. Do what is best for yourself.

FYI - I am NOT an escort NOR dated one, but really the question is about relationships, and really has nothing to do with HIS profession....so I feel qualified to answer since I have been in a few of those.

[+ Shoreboy]

I dated an escort a few years ago for almost a year. We did not live together...this being my choice since I really enjoy living alone. We met when I hired him and soon afterwards he told me he was getting out ofthe business...and I was fine with whatever he decided even if he had decided to stay with escorting.

 

I was happy and he was happy however, for very different reasons.

 

When he could not find a regular day job I knew he was lying and escorting again. Had he been honest with me it could have worked and I gave him multiple opportunities to come clean....but he kept denying it and as you know a person who lies needs a good memory.

 

One day he went back to his place with my cell phone and left his with me...we both had the same cell phones.

 

Now while I would love to say that I took the higher road and did not answer his calls when I realized the mistake...I didn't and was surprised but hurt when my thoughts were confirmed after client after client was calling him.

 

Confrontation lead to a nasty break up and as much as he begged for me to keep him and his promises to change, once trust is dashed on the rocks there ain't no coming back for me.

 

My adive to youngclient is that if you want a dating and possible BF experience be 100% honest in your communication. Discuss your mutual expectations on what you both want out of this relationship. By the way I feel it is very hard for an "open relationship" to work especially when he does not know what you are doing. Plus when you added that you "sometimes" get free sex also raises a red flag for me since I assume you are also paying for it at times.

 

I like to allow others to live and let live and try not to judge others....but to me it appears you are already building your foundation on sand.

[Phil_musc]

When I first started reading this thread, I thought to myself, "O god, here we go again with this question/issue." But this is a variation on the original theme that has been discussed before (and with some pretty forthright thinking.) The guys who have weighed in here have given good advice - what Crok wrote is certainly no crock at all (sorry, I couldn't resist). I think the only way this would work is if you were involved in the escort business also. I recall an escort saying virtually that in an earlier posting. Something about two guys in the same profession understanding the problems and being sensitive to the necessities of how one makes a living in the sex trade. Somehow I don't think this is going to be satisfying to you ultimately and you will wind up feeling used (if you don't already). For me, I have sometimes felt bad when I have had an amazing time with an escort because he seems like such a regular and great guy and I would hope that he would find someone to share his life with, but this kind of relationship has a whole roster of stresses in addition to the regular ones that go with the terrain of building a relationship. Maybe it's worth it but I think the success rate is pretty close to nil.

[seeker630]

When I first started reading this thread, I thought to myself, "O god, here we go again with this question/issue." But this is a variation on the original theme that has been discussed before (and with some pretty forthright thinking.) The guys who have weighed in here have given good advice - what Crok wrote is certainly no crock at all (sorry, I couldn't resist). I think the only way this would work is if you were involved in the escort business also. I recall an escort saying virtually that in an earlier posting. Something about two guys in the same profession understanding the problems and being sensitive to the necessities of how one makes a living in the sex trade. Somehow I don't think this is going to be satisfying to you ultimately and you will wind up feeling used (if you don't already). For me, I have sometimes felt bad when I have had an amazing time with an escort because he seems like such a regular and great guy and I would hope that he would find someone to share his life with, but this kind of relationship has a whole roster of stresses in addition to the regular ones that go with the terrain of building a relationship. Maybe it's worth it but I think the success rate is pretty close to nil.

 

Although they haven't spoken up, there are several escorts who have posted here in the past who have partners not in the business. Just an observation.

[Diverdan]

Seeker is right. There are a number of well known escorts who have partners not in the business. I have only ever talked to one of them about their relationship, and it was refreshing to hear how both parties had handled it. I also became good friends with two guys who were partners and both were escorts. They had a very rocky relationship until they both decided to go into another profession, and discontinue escorting. What ever you and he decide, IMHO the work that needs to be done is related to the relationship, which can become very difficult since sex is obviously involved. Good luck, and if you don't mind, let us know how it turns out.

[youngclient2]

You're right that sounds weird. But he's not doing me some form of favor. He has qualities he brings and I have different ones (and not just money). I'm not footing the bills either - that's the reason he is escorting.

[youngclient2]

Interesting story. Well he is being open with me about his escorting life, which he doesn't want to do at all and is only doing it to pay the bills (so I don't have to!). The "sometimes" doesn't mean I was paying for it, guess what I meant was it doesn't happen as frequently as I like, hence ONE of the reasons why I'd like to play on the side.

 

Thanks everyone for the responses. I never really wanted a relationship in the first place due to my age and situation, but I've hit it off well with this guy, who, of course, just happens to be an escort. At the same time I wanna live my 20s and have fun out in the clubs , be able to flirt and keep my options open. So I'm gonna try this open relationship out and let you know how it goes!

[Phil_musc]

I stand (somewhat) corrected - there are guys who escort who have partners who are not in the business, and they have written about some of the stresses that occur in their relationships. But since the OP has now written a bit more about himself, that changes things. He is, after all, in his 20's and at a different point in his life from some of us. He is dating this guy (although they are living together, which sounds more serious than a Friday night dinner/movie/f--- combination). I was writing from the perspective of an ongoing relationship - and by that I mean one of several years duration. It actually sounds like his situation is exactly what he wants right now and it appears to be going well. Don't rock the boat, OP, and best of luck. Keep us posted - always nice to read a success story.

[Juan Vancouver]

I think the only way this would work is if you were involved in the escort business also. I recall an escort saying virtually that in an earlier posting. Something about two guys in the same profession understanding the problems and being sensitive to the necessities of how one makes a living in the sex trade.

 

This makes as much sense as saying that the only way to date a lawyer, actor, gardener, doctor is to become one yourself. You don't have to join your partner's profession in order to understand the problems specific to his situation and be sensitive to your partner's needs. Empathy and a little thought and consideration will do that for you.

 

...but this kind of relationship has a whole roster of stresses in addition to the regular ones that go with the terrain of building a relationship. Maybe it's worth it but I think the success rate is pretty close to nil.

 

Relationships -all relationships, are a lot of work, and depending on how you measure it, success in them is not the rule, but the exception. This has absolutely nothing to do with the profession of one or both partners or with the fact that there is an open or closed relationship.

 

I know of many escorts who simply can't hold a friendship relationship, let alone a romantic one; they often are uncomfortable with the work they do, they have poor interpersonal skills and use their work as an excuse for not having time, for having to travel too often, blah, blah, blah... (You can imagine what I mean.)

 

I know of many lawyers, doctors, actors, singers, artists and unemployed people in exactly the same position.

 

I know of many escorts who are great at interpersonal relationships and live and sustain satisfying, intimate, mutually respectful relationships, romantic ones as well as friendships. They communicate clearly, they understand their personal boundaries and respect them, they often believe in telling the truth and they love what they do. They understand that neither their work nor societal judgment or their partner are responsible for the success or failure in their relationships.

 

I have also known people from other professions who are like this.

 

The only advise that I can share with you is this:

 

Be clear on what you want, understand what you have to give in order to receive that. Communicate clearly and as truthfully as you can, and if possible try to negotiate a relationship in which there are as few lies as possible. Respect the other's boundaries and make yours respected. Put yourself in the other's shoes every now and then, and remember that there is absolutely no "ideal" predetermined way of having a relationship.

 

What works for you may be entirely different to what would work for someone else, or even to what would work for you at a different time.

 

I agree; you are young and have to enjoy your twenties with the ability to explore your sexuality and have the fun of flirting.

 

Lastly, perhaps against logic I want to suggest that you are not getting less sex because he is, was or will be an escort. In every single relationship, -all of them, one partner always is getting less than he wants. This is inescapable. Normal. Means absolutely nothing. Money and sex are the two constant issues that have to be dealt with in every relationship.

 

You are not having "dating-an-escort" kind of relationship problems. You are just having a relationship.

 

Here's to hoping that you find a healthy and satisfying way to relate.

[josephga]

I can see it as being difficult to even have friends or close friends. you have to worry about them being judgmental, worry about who else they are telling. They get jealous of the income one makes and could possible turn the guy in. Even with what I do I have zero friends in my real everyday life. There's this one guy Ive talked with on line since 09 lives outside of the usa he is pretty much the only thing ive got at the moment.

[nate_sf]

I rarely talk about it either on the Forum or in appointments, but I've been in a relationship for several years with a non-escort. It can work but it takes work and attention.

 

There's been lots of good advice here so I'll just add a few things and note a couple of red flags:

 

1. As others have said, honesty is most important on both sides. I don't think the DODT arrangement with your own social activities is a good idea. You don't need to go into every intimate detail but I think you both need to know what each other is doing in a general sense. If HE can't deal with you playing on the side, this won't work as an open relationship.

 

2. Along those lines, are you OK with him playing on the side with others who are NOT escort clients? If you are out in the clubs having fun and hooking up, but he is escorting to pay the bills and thinks of it as work, he might become resentful fast.

 

3. You say you want to "be able to flirt and keep my options open." This is a red flag to me, and the part of keeping your options open could doom the relationship. Unfortunately this is not uncommon and applies to all relationships. If your escort bf is out selling his ass for his rent, and knows you are out in bars looking for your next potential guy... well, you know where that is going. Open relationships only work when both partners feel secure that despite the various extracurricular activities, neither is keeping his options open. Both need to be committed to the relationship above all else.

 

4. As Juan mentions, most relationships have an imbalance with sexual appetite, which is why people look for various forms of open relationships in the first place. This might be compounded by him escorting. If he is escorting a lot, he may not be as interested in sex at home as he would otherwise. But if you are enjoying each other's company, like spending time doing things together that do not involve sex, and you are getting your sexual needs taken care of, that could be OK.

 

5. Make sure you are both able to allocate enough time for you to spend time together. I find if I am out too many nights in a row, or have been traveling a lot, it becomes a problem. He needs to be able to limit his escort activities if it is interfering to much with the relationship. He may need to limit overnights, travel, or number of appointments per week so you have enough time together.

 

6. Be prepared for people to judge you, both because you are in an open relationship and because you are involved with an escort. Learn to say "fuck off" with gusto, or better yet learn to say nothing and just let people have their say. I call this "smile and nod." There are some people who will not understand and will not be able to be convinced no matter how reasonable your justification, and that is fine since it is not your job to convince them. Instead, spend time with those who do understand and have tackled these issues themselves. In turn, understand that for some an open relationship and/or dating an escort is inconceivable, and you need to be able to understand and accept that. There are cliches for this: "Agree to disagree..." "Different strokes for different folks."

 

So good luck with things, and just remember to treat each other with kindness, fairness and respect!

[SteveEscort]

I've never dated a client but I do get requests to meet for dinner and to join clients on business trips unpaid and that's where is gets a little cloudy for me.

 

I get the usual "Should we have a beer/meal/night out" type of request now and again, sometimes it's said in the heat of the moment, other times it's said in a way that makes me a little uneasy. You can tell when they want to meet on the clock and you can tell when they think there may be a little more to it.

 

I had a younger client a few months back who had a massive dick and during sex I said "Oh I love your cock, I'd do you every day if I could". It wasn't literally meant that way, it was just sex chat, but he started turning up at the door. I can see my door from an upstairs window and so I can screen anyone who just knocks. He came to my house about 4 times and bombarded me with texts asking to suck his cock for free saying he'd like to take this a step further (he didn't he just wanted a regular free blow job). I had to be firm with him in the end and tell him he couldn't just knock because I had clients in and eventually I said it wasn't my place, I just rented it for a week at a time off a friend when he was out of town and he took the hint and went away.

 

It always concerns me that clients end up seeing more into the liaison than there actually is. I have some wonderful clients who I love spending time with but the arrangement I have now is one I prefer. I get sex every day, I get paid, they have their lives, they get on with their lives, everyone wins. If I got together with a client he's always going to have been an ex client and that doesn't work for me. If he went missing on a night after work, would you immediately wonder which other working boy he's servicing and would he still be cool with sharing me with 500 other men each year, which is what we do in reality.

[+ Shoreboy]

Much has been said on this thread, but I agree with Philmusc....the OP is in his 20's and for many of us that is a fond memory...as time passes with our lives we change and so does the meaning of what a relationship is all about...I wish the Op good luck with his arrangement and hope that it gives you everything you need...not want...but need

[youngclient2]

Thanks all for your responses. Obviously, I'm not crazy about the idea of him escorting. He dislikes it himself. No offense to other clients here, but some escorts probably get very much into it, while others really dislike it but act okay with it. He's one of the latter. But it's extremely easy money compared to what he'd otherwise make, and I don't want to be his sugar daddy (and he specifically doesn't want me to be his either - he'd rather escort on the side). Guess what I'm doing comes with the territory!

[Phil_musc]

Juan, so often I find that you write with insight and clarity and compassion. I think you must be an amazing man who happens to be an escort and I hope someday our paths may cross. But in response to my writing, you seem to overlook how many humans are wired as far as jealousy and sex go. To say that according to my logic two people should be in the same profession to understand each other is not what I was saying at all. True, any relationship has it's stresses and trials as does any profession. But escorting has a whole additional roster of challenges that many non-escorts would fine difficult to work through. People are frequently judgmental and that is bound to create additional friction in a relationship. But the OP has also written about where his head really is - and the whole thing should work for him within the near future, I would be less optimistic about the long-term possibilities, but that doesn't appear to enter the equation.

 

Nate - I am happy for you - you seem like a great guy also and I'm glad you have someone to share your life with. This takes a lot of emotional maturity and a sense of self knowledge that comes with experience. Your guy is lucky (and so are you!). Best wishes to you both (and of course to you too Juan!)

[nate_sf]

Much has been said on this thread, but I agree with Philmusc....the OP is in his 20's and for many of us that is a fond memory...as time passes with our lives we change and so does the meaning of what a relationship is all about...I wish the Op good luck with his arrangement and hope that it gives you everything you need...not want...but need

 

You're right, being in your 20's with a different set of expectations for a relationship makes a difference. Mr. youngclient2, I hope my list did not come off as too strident. The main thing is to keep jealousy and resentment in check, and keep communication open and honest. You're right, many of the escorts here really get into it beyond it just being a means to an end, so take whatever advice you receive with a grain of salt (another cliche!).

 

Good luck, treat each other well and have fun.

[crok]

If I was in the UK, I would want his number!

 

I had a younger client a few months back who had a massive dick and during sex I said "Oh I love your cock, I'd do you every day if I could". It wasn't literally meant that way, it was just sex chat, but he started turning up at the door. I can see my door from an upstairs window and so I can screen anyone who just knocks. He came to my house about 4 times and bombarded me with texts asking to suck his cock for free saying he'd like to take this a step further (he didn't he just wanted a regular free blow job). I had to be firm with him in the end and tell him he couldn't just knock because I had clients in and eventually I said it wasn't my place, I just rented it for a week at a time off a friend when he was out of town and he took the hint and went away.

[zeyfur]

I think it would get real tricky if I started dating an escort. Would I still pay for sex ? If so are we really dating ? Also emotions would come into the picture. How would you react to the escort having sex with other men ? I would prefer to keep business and dating separate

[Guest jeff grove]

escorts should only date escorts- otherwise its way to complicated- good luck with that one

[Phil_musc]

That's what I said earlier on, Jeff. Other escorts, however, chimed in otherwise. I agree - it's way too complicated (but I'm not an escort and as such have no firsthand experience, only common sense). Believe me, though, I don't mean anything negative so please no one take offense.

[jjkrkwood]

That's what I said earlier on, Jeff. Other escorts, however, chimed in otherwise. I agree - it's way too complicated (but I'm not an escort and as such have no firsthand experience, only common sense). Believe me, though, I don't mean anything negative so please no one take offense.

 

God Phil, you just continue to Offend. You need to take MY class: How Not to Publicly Offend. you can sign up for it at The Learning Annex.