When a client falls in love

[Ryanquinn]

I am torn on a matter and could use some advice:

 

Recently, I met a client--had a great time with him in his jacuzzi and a pretty steamy session afterwards.

 

Red flags started to go up for me when he immediately began to ask if I'd consider being his boyfriend...I'm not used to being asked that question so soon (1st encounter). I told him that we should spend some more time together before making that decision.

 

We communicated via text almost every day for the next couple days, and set a time to meet a few days later. When I called him to confirm that appointment...he indignantly asked me if I expected him to pay me. I told him yes, that would be preferable. He then told me that he doesn't like to pay, and would have no problem taking me out to dinner, or spoiling me in any other way--reminding me that he is a good looking guy (I think people assume that only unattractive guys hire).

 

Now, I have had some very physically and mentally attractive clients in my years working through college as an escort. What I found most attractive about these other guys was that they were down to earth, considerate and respectful. I am much more interested in what's on the inside (I dig deep so to speak---mind out of gutter now).

 

What I wonder is how many of you have dealt with a situation like this, and what is the best way to handle it. I feel like even if I am not working with a client any further, I have an obligation to ensure that his ego is stroked...if that's what he seems to need. What is a good way to let someone down without bruising their ego?

 

I would have felt more comfortable considering the situation he requested if we had met at least 3 times before transitioning into a new phase of our client/escort relationship. I feel like that time is necessary to get to know if things will really click...otherwise, I feel like it's kind of tacky to assume that an escort will forgo his rate, undermine his other clients by taking on a pro-bono pseudo-quasi-boyfriend case....

 

Am I wrong?

[Epigonos]

I am of course a client rather than an escort but as I see it your mistake was the following:

 

"I told him that we should spend some more time together before making that decision."

 

At that point you should have told him that you were sorry but that wasn't a possibility as you make a point of NEVER mixing you professional and private lives. As client I find this type of situation difficult to understand but I have come to believe that it isn't all that uncommon. If the escorts wants to maintain a professional relationship with the client this type of thing MUST be nipped in the bud. At this point you are probably going to loose the guy as a client but that is probably for the best.

[orbital sander]

No You are not wrong!

 

I am not an escort, however I work in a field that has some similarity. Clients do ask me to do things that I cannot. I am always kind and professional and let them know right away that I cannot do what they are requesting. I am always professional and non judgmental. If they persist, I sometimes kindly suggest that we are mismatched as provider & client and that they should find another person to help them. There is no easy way to "fire" a client, but if you act quickly before things get nasty, you will be way ahead of the game.

 

It sound like you have a handle on this, just do not doubt yourself. Again, I am not an escort, but as a business man, if a friend (or someone who wants to be a friend) asks me to work for them for free, I feel that they are not worthy of my friendship if they do not understand that my time is money, and this is how I make a living. I guess that if I felt that a client was becoming something other than a client, I might suggest that they get a new service professional...and that we see each other, but no longer as provider & client.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Bart]

Dear Mr. Quinn this subject has come up before but I think for both clients and gentlemen this is a subject that never grows old and happens all the time.

 

As client I have had the heart palputations twice. I knew it and backed away for several weeks to allow myself the ability to deal with it. Just because the mind knows it is a business relationship the heart has no such mind control.

 

I think both entries here are on the money. Dont be upset with yourself but you can not encourage such a daliance with a client. You need to develop a standard mode of response and realize this client will not be the last. Unfortunately there is no easy way to let a guy down. Just dont do something like never return a call or pick up his calls unless he gets wacko. Be straight up tell him and assume he will no longer be a client. I cant believe he said he would not pay you anymore. This whole thing is wrong on his part. At least he makes it a bit easier by saying he was not going to pay. I think it is a bit tougher when clients who are "in-love" go overboard and then make the time demands. But both are problems, second one is always a bit tougher because of the income but you need to do what is best for your business life.

 

Orbital your response is part of everyday life is it not. I am always amazed how people want free advice and impune on friendships by doing so. The thought that someone would even expect it for free shows how little of the friendship they think.

Do not lend money to friends or family unless you do so in your own my mind that you dont expect repayment.

 

Now I have had a few gentlemen expect less for more. Recently had an experience with a gentleman who I have seen several times, no it is not a gentleman who posts on this board, he had his usual huge lunch and then said he would have to leave a bit early and also we did not do all the stuff we normally do, of course the standard fee. So I do think at times some clients and gentlemen look at an ongoing relationship and start to skimp on the service so as in the business world I guess it is time to move on and dont continue it.

 

I dont want to encourage you to be cynical, believe it can come along on its own but you need to look out for your own business and paying clients deserve your attention, not the ones expecting something for nothing.

[Diverdan]

I hope that some of the escorts that are on this MC will reply, but my advice is the same as the others. Be polite, professional and very firm. You are running a business, not a dating service. There is no future with this guy and I suggest you not see him any more, even if he now wants to pay for your time.

[Guest Merlin]

I think he is just plain cheap, and undoubtedly narcissistic. He didn't fall in love with you in one meeting, although he obviously likes you and finds you attractive. I would tell him that you make your living by escorting and the you cannot afford to do it for free. If he persists, ask him if he expected free service from his Doctor, or Lawyer or barber. I think there is a real danger he can become something like a stalker, so I would not do anything to encourage him to believe that you like him more than other clients. Saying things like:"I like you a lot but...", may give him the wrong impression. You may want to reconsider even allowing to hire you again.

[josephga]

I think he is just plain cheap, and undoubtedly narcissistic. He didn't fall in love with you in one meeting, although he obviously likes you and finds you attractive. I would tell him that you make your living by escorting and the you cannot afford to do it for free. If he persists, ask him if he expected free service from his Doctor, or Lawyer or barber. I think there is a real danger he can become something like a stalker, so I would not do anything to encourage him to believe that you like him more than other clients. Saying things like:"I like you a lot but...", may give him the wrong impression. You may want to reconsider even allowing to hire you again.

 

I agree with you. I had 2 massage clients ask me if id be interested in dating them in the past. one called about an hour after the massage and the other actually asked while still on the table lol In both cases it was their first massage & their last. Don't incourage the guy with lets see each other and see how it goes when you know its not going to go any place.

[+ Tygerscent]

It takes a very special person to date an Escort. ie., sharing time with others, scheduling your time with Clients verses scheduling time with your partner. There is a business side to being an Escort and a Client. Respect and consciousness about that on both sides is important. Communication is important, obviously. It's a bit of a boundary pusher when someone goes to work and their employer says: "Your like the best bud, I just took you to lunch and we had a great meal, it's my birthday, I had a horrible day, all kinds of things going on in my life... cool if I don't pay you for your services anymore?" Likewise, it's not Respectful to bait a Client with untruthful emotional attachment just to get the "raise" and then when the Client reciprocates, tell him no pay no play or jack up the price or something... Mutual conscientious Respect for each other, each others position in the Profession and the boundaries involved is important and it's good to check in with ones self, whether Client or Escort, and do a little centering and have the "keep things in perspective" pep talk.

 

Tyger~!

http://www.tygerscent.biz

tygerkink@yahoo.com

503.719.9274

 

I am torn on a matter and could use some advice:

 

Recently, I met a client--had a great time with him in his jacuzzi and a pretty steamy session afterwards.

 

Red flags started to go up for me when he immediately began to ask if I'd consider being his boyfriend...I'm not used to being asked that question so soon (1st encounter). I told him that we should spend some more time together before making that decision.

 

We communicated via text almost every day for the next couple days, and set a time to meet a few days later. When I called him to confirm that appointment...he indignantly asked me if I expected him to pay me. I told him yes, that would be preferable. He then told me that he doesn't like to pay, and would have no problem taking me out to dinner, or spoiling me in any other way--reminding me that he is a good looking guy (I think people assume that only unattractive guys hire).

 

Now, I have had some very physically and mentally attractive clients in my years working through college as an escort. What I found most attractive about these other guys was that they were down to earth, considerate and respectful. I am much more interested in what's on the inside (I dig deep so to speak---mind out of gutter now).

 

What I wonder is how many of you have dealt with a situation like this, and what is the best way to handle it. I feel like even if I am not working with a client any further, I have an obligation to ensure that his ego is stroked...if that's what he seems to need. What is a good way to let someone down without bruising their ego?

 

I would have felt more comfortable considering the situation he requested if we had met at least 3 times before transitioning into a new phase of our client/escort relationship. I feel like that time is necessary to get to know if things will really click...otherwise, I feel like it's kind of tacky to assume that an escort will forgo his rate, undermine his other clients by taking on a pro-bono pseudo-quasi-boyfriend case....

 

Am I wrong?

[Juan Vancouver]

Hey Ryan,

 

I was on a long journey and just noticed your question now. I have to confess that I am not entirely sure what is it that you are asking.

 

I personally believe that there is no right nor wrong and that you have at all times the duty and right to choose to conduct your business in whatever way you see fit. Most of the answers here are accepting the premise that you are not interested in engaging in an emotional relationship with a client, but there are a couple of comments you make that make me think (and perhaps made your client think) that this could be an option. These are those comments:

 

I'm not used to being asked that question so soon (1st encounter). I told him that we should spend some more time together before making that decision.

 

I would have felt more comfortable considering the situation he requested if we had met at least 3 times before transitioning into a new phase of our client/escort relationship. I feel like that time is necessary to get to know if things will really click...

 

What is your stand on this subject? Had you met him a few times and found him agreeable, had you found in him the necessary characteristics you are looking for in a boyfriend, would you accept him as a boyfriend?

 

I ask you this because most of the time we are totally unaware of the subtle signals we send to others, and while you didn't say outright that you could perhaps be open to it, he may have read all the signs and got confused. I am sure you are a sexy guy, very enjoyable and fun, so I can only understand why he may have wanted to skip the "preliminary interviewing-dating appointments" before you could asses his potential.

 

If you, however, are not interested in being in an emotional relationship with a client, then I recommend you to be very careful with your language when you speak with them. Both verbal and non verbal language can mislead the most stalwart client when they are at their most vulnerable. The only way to deal with this situation is unequivocal and direct.

 

One example of vague and open to interpretation could be this:

 

When I called him to confirm that appointment...he indignantly asked me if I expected him to pay me. I told him yes, that would be preferable.

 

Preferable is open to interpretation. When you eat at a restaurant you have to pay for your meal. It is not a voluntary donation, it is not preferable that you pay 25 for your entree; it is a price. When you use a professional service, it is not preferable that you pay the relevant fees, it is customary and obligatory and necessary.

 

The unequivocal answer in this situation could have been: (Of course, always politely and kindly.)

 

"Yes, of course. If you want an appointment with me, an escort, you have to pay for all the time we spend together."

 

What I wonder is how many of you have dealt with a situation like this, and what is the best way to handle it.

 

I guess the way to handle it depends on the outcome one desires. An escort who is open to starting a relationship with a client would handle it entirely different to an escort who would never do that.

 

I believe that starting an emotional entanglement with a client of mine would not only be difficult, but dangerous for my client, detrimental, unprofessional and unethical. This is what I think about me and I would never allow that to happen.

 

Two clients of mine have said that they had "feelings" for me. Immediately after that I had a respecting and loving talk with them to explain what I believe and why I would be unable to see them again. I offered a couple weeks through which we could communicate and I could somewhat support them through this transition, period after which I simply terminated any and all communication.

 

It was a difficult process at the time, but now, after a few years I receive warm emails from one of them thanking me for having been so direct and inflexible, which in the end simply prevented further hurting their feelings.

 

I feel like even if I am not working with a client any further, I have an obligation to ensure that his ego is stroked...if that's what he seems to need. What is a good way to let someone down without bruising their ego?

 

I don't believe that our job is stroking anyone's ego. Depending on what you want, you are expected to either tell the trith in a respectful way and move on, or sincerely assess your client's quality as a partner, after which, telling the truth in a respectful way would be useful.

 

Even if being said "no thanks" can at times be hard, if it is done politely, carefully and keeping in mind people's feelings, I don't see why you would bruise anyone's ego.

 

Ultimately, I strongly believe that a bruised ego is infinitely better than a totally broken heart that can come from trying to sweeten the pill by saying things such as: "You are very special and I have strong feelings for you, but this time is simply not right for me" or "Had you only met me under different circumstances we would have had a chance, but fate is against us so I will have to say no" or some such bull. I think you can imagine what I mean.

 

Lastly, I do not recommend you to ever try to make business with a lovesick man. Hell hath no fury like a man scorned... he won't like being charged by the man he believes to love and you won't like it either. Only heartbreak can come from it. It is not healthy for you nor him. Once relationship with a client goes that way, the only healthy thing to do is terminate the relationship.

 

But that, again, is my personal opinion.

 

I hope this is somewhat useful to you.

[Guest EthanKing]

Very interesting topic, one we have all faced at some point throughout our careers. This is my experience, opinion and advise, based on my life, my career, and my clients. <I am not saying this is the only way to feel>

"People treat us, how we allow them to treat us." It is probably the one most influential statement that my Father ever told to me, years before escorting. And it's true. If we allow people, including clients, to treat us in a way that does not benefit our lives, our careers or our happiness, then it is likely to not be constructive and at minimum, have unintended negative consequences.

 

As I read the details of your dilemma, I thought to myself, "Good thing it happened up front, in the beginning." This allows you the opportunity to set the rules of engagement for your client/escort relationship, up front, without outside influence, and/or emotions. The fact is that we are escorts. This is what we do. This is how we make our money and this is how we pay our bills. This is what allows us to each grow our career, have the liquidity to travel, to be available, to reach new markets, see new clients. This is our livelihood. I mean really, just because I bought a pair of jeans and a jacket from Gap yesterday, doesn't mean tomorrow when I go back to get another pair of jeans, I expect it to be free. Come on. We owe it to ourselves, to each other, and to our clients, to stand firm in our businesses and rules of engagement. I have paying clients, that have been paying clients since my first week escorting, over four years ago. They are still paying clients because a.) they appreciate what I do, the dedication, sacrifice, intelligence, planning, etc it takes for me to do, that thing I do, and b.) I have this expectation of my clients, as they have expectations of me . Now are "rules of engagement" the same for a client like this as for a first time client. No, in fact, at some point you drop "rules of engagement" for actual feelings and relationships. You do grow to really care about those clients. You do lose the expected pay "rate" for more "peace of mind" on a rainy day. Just like they appreciate you and respect you, thus continue to pay you, you also respect and appreciate them, by not having a "set rate," per say.

 

Everyone needs to understand that we don't have a 100% profit margin here. We have costs in being escorts. There are advertising costs, marketing costs, travel costs including hotels, air, meals. We have maintenance costs in order to be what every client expects us to be for them. We have to have computers, internet,i-phones or androids. Some people would say, "those are luxury items." No they aren't. How can we be the best at what we do, if we aren't operating with the latest technology which enables us to be effective at our jobs. Can you imagine an escort today without a computer and only a pager?

 

So I might have rambled as I often do, but the point is I would just put it DOWN, very clearly. "I'm an escort. In the time we are together I will do anything in my power to surpass your expectations and help you live any "reality" you want. But the fact is, I am still an escort. To further myself and effectively be able to do my job, I have to be paid." Until the day comes that we move on, fall in love, change careers, or otherwise decide that this is not our livelihood, I almost find it distasteful on the clients behalf to expect not to pay. You didn't ask for a sugar daddy, a boyfriend, a date, dinner, a movie or a Dad. All you did was answer a clients request to see you. I would let him know that you have no problem working for your money, that you aren't looking for handouts. But at the end of the day, at every level, to some degree, it is still a job.

 

Again, my opinion and mine only. Not saying I am right. This has been my experience. And no, this doesn't mean real feelings don't develop with clients. They do. OBVIOUSLY. But those clients willing to pay, in my opinion, are showing you they appreciate what you do. And trust me guys, everyone reading this, escorting is a tough job. "Laying on your back is the easy part."

[JoeyBryant]

I personally would not consider dating a client. Not that clients aren't dateable, but simply because of the initial setup.

 

If Im dating someone, 1st of all...I dont accept last minute invitations nor do I do stuff on the 1st date. Ditto with showing nude photos. Doing either of these usually disqualifies any chance for a 'real' love relationship to develop.

 

But thats what makes us so great. Clients dont have to worry about rules and regulations like with dating.