Help for the broken hearted

[Guest Bradley1]

okay, I did not heed numerous postings about blurred lines. I fell big time for a 25 year old escort. Saw him several times over 7 months and he said we had something special. Now he is gone and I am a mess! To make matters worse, I have to hide it all as I have a family...but I can't hide depression. Some one tell me this gets better. I have not felt like this since college...(long time ago) so my coping skills are not too sharp.

[+ purplekow]

You have the school boy crush syndrome. He is wonderful. He is my everything. He is gone. I cant live without him. I am disconsolate. You are here. This will be followed by. I am so lonesome without him. I am so horny without him. I am so horny. I need to get laid. usually follow by: He is wonderful. He is my everything. ..... Several trips on this merry go round you are dizzy and much wiser. You take the I am so horny. I need to get laid. path and then follow that to He looks hot. He is hot. That was hot. I am so horny. Carousel.

It gets better. The sooner you realize that you invested emotion, time and effort into a Ponzi scheme with no hope of significant return, the sooner you will be on the path to getting laid again. And lets face it, for most of the posters here, getting laid is raison d'etre.

[Lookin]

Two thoughts occur. First, fast forward a year and see if you can imagine yourself still pining away for this guy. I'll bet the answer is "Hardly!". So, yes, I'm sure it will get better, and probably a lot quicker than you think.

 

Second, I'd say you're pretty lucky to still feel as romantic as you did in college. Someone, maybe a lot sooner and closer than you think, will find that a very attractive quality.

 

I've heard tell that depression comes from holding back feelings of anger. Can you put up a dartboard with his picture in the rec room?

 

http://appraisalnewsonline.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/04/29/throwing_darts.jpg

[JT Brooklyn]

It Passes with Time! The Main thing is to Learn from your Experience!

 

Homo/Hetero doesn't make a difference in the "Wonderful World of Working Guys/Girls" some CLIENTS do let their Emotions get to Personal for different reasons!

 

I didn't say MISTAKE this time..But IF you put yourself in this "Fantasy Place" Again it will be Your MISTAKE from not learning the First Time!

 

Hopefully you will Move On..BUT not to fall in Love again with a "Business" Partner!

[+ azdr0710]

yup, there've been a couple or so escorts that I've become infatuated with, also.....they just seem to have it all: looks, body, confidence, the whole bit....they're fun to just hang with and shoot the breeze with.....

 

of course, his "we have something special" line was pure business, don't forget!.......going to just have to take this one day at a time.....get busy with other projects.....volunteer, call up relatives or friends, join some gay groups in your town, whatever....

 

I like the dartboard idea.....trite, but could be effective, maybe.....

[Juan Vancouver]

Dear Bradley,

 

 

I am so sorry to read that you are going through this, and I hope you will soon start to feel better about it and embrace the numerous gifts in this situation.

 

There really is no other way to heal a broken hearth than to feel your feelings as relaxedly as you can knowing that they will not kill you. Feelings normally feel awful when we try to repress them and change them for other feelings, whereas if you only allow them to be felt and go through your body, they go away like a wave, leaving a trail of relief in their wake.

 

Get some support. It is important to be able to share your experience and relate the progression of your recovery. Whether a gay heartbroken people support group or a couple guys from this site, know that you are not alone and don't be afraid to ask for help.

 

Exercise. The chemicals that your body releases during exercise have the most heart healing properties. Find something you like to do and go for it. Be active, even competitive. Laugh, distract yourself.

 

Find different ways to take good care of yourself. Find out what you are lacking and provide for it. Make sure you understand you are in control of your situation. Normally heartbreak is so terrible because we are often under the misapprehension that this was something that was "done" unto us. Often we believe that we are victims, helpless and passive players that happened to be at the wrong place and the wrong time. To get on your way to healing it is vital that you find ways to reassert your power and take the reins back. You are in control.

 

Lastly, be social. Even if romantic infatuation fulfills an entirely different need than social interaction, the joy and comfort one can get from other people often helps us to recover fast and fully. Make friends, reignite friendships, go out, laugh, eat, drink.

 

I am a little cautious about writing this but I think it has to be said. You may feel that you just had bad luck, that in this instance it went badly because of the infortunate circumstances. I don't think that is the case.

 

I sincerely recommend you to run for the hills as soon as any escort -no matter how well reviewed he may be- starts saying that he feels something for you, that your bond is special, that you fulfill something in him that nobody else can... while at the same time charging you for his time, or accepting loans, or gifts or any kind of benefits.

 

In the unlikely event that he may be telling the truth, this would mean that he doesn't understand how incredibly vulnerable your heart, his client's heart may be in this transaction. Even if he is well meaning and kind, the minute he opens the door for you to believe that there is a tiny, microscopic chance that something else may (or may not) happen, you are at risk of investing so much more than you should in such a relationship and you will not be safe around him. (Especially if he is a great escort and a well meaning kid.)

 

If your escort understands his profession and the power dynamics around it, if he feels something special about you, if he really likes you, if he thinks you are the best thing after sliced bread, he will shut up and will keep providing the same loving, kind, wholehearted service he has always provided, knowing that that is the type of relationship that you both signed up for and can sustain in a healthy way.

 

Many clients and few escorts may come say how wrong, cold, jaded and inflexible I am, how Love is possible and how it creeps in the most improbable of situations, but I would respectfully like to point out that if if a healthy love relationship has ever been born in this situation (and to my knowing it hasn't.), that is the extremest of the exceptions, not the rule.

 

I hope you will recover soon, and that in the future you will keep your eyes open, your body available and your heart safe and invested where it should be.

 

Lastly, and maybe you are not ready to hear this right now, I would like to remind you that it is amazing that you are able to feel this again. we are beings made of Love, and even if sometimes when we invest this love where it doesn't "pay off" it feels bad, the ability of feeling this love is what keeps us alive.

 

Take good care of yourself, get well, and keep us posted.

[Guest Spanky]

Dear Bradley,

 

 

Many clients and few escorts may come say how wrong, cold, jaded and inflexible I am, how Love is possible and how it creeps in the most improbable of situations, but I would respectfully like to point out that if if a healthy love relationship has ever been born in this situation (and to my knowing it hasn't.), that is the extremest of the exceptions, not the rule.

 

This is the best advice that poor Bradley has had yet. So if by "cold, jaded and inflexible" you mean "wise, honest, and not afraid to give someone the truth they need to hear even when it hurts (a lot)" then yes, JV, I'd agree that you are one cold, jaded and inflexible guy.

 

I feel for you Bradley, I sincerely do. No one likes to get their heart stomped on regardless of the who, what, when, where, or why it happened. But it's best to face the truth, learn from it, and do your best to not relive the same experience again. Because if you have to learn that truth a second (or third or fourth) time, believe me, it's going to hurt a hell of a lot more.

 

Do take care of yourself and don't be afraid to get back up on the horse. We're all pulling for you Captain.

[best hotel]

i know how you are feeling....i started seeing escorts after my ex-boyfriend broke my heart....i wanted to avoid heartbreak and thought that escorts were the answer....i soon found myself falling in love with an escort.......i would suggest having more than one regular escort...it keeps you balanced and in perspective....i have been seeing a regular every thursday night for six years....and i still see other regulars and new guys and visiting guys......so, hire a hot escort as soon as possible...and make love to him......preferably a more mature escort who plans to stay in the business for a while..and let him make love to you......then hire another....and another..if you can afford it...enjoy feeling that "in love" feelingalong with the lust..... and know that you wont have to worry about losing an escort who will be seeing you for years to come....and there are others you can have the same feelings for....i do not believe that the human heart is finite and only capable of being in love with one person at a time...the heart stretches when it is given to more and more people....i wish you good luck, good love...and keep posting

[Jaker27]

I'm sorry for saying this but I think if you have a family you need to suk it up then. Think of others besides yourself. You obviously have other issues that need to be addressed.

[Guest Bradley1]

Wow, thank you all for your posts. I have been feeling very alone since the disappearance of my friend. I come from a very small town and still live in a mid sized community here in Illinois. I don't have many gay friends..so I can not share this experience.

I have started seeing a therapist since these intense feelings have affected every aspect of my life..I really thought I was past this painful love stage!

I do agree with the last post..I do need to suck it up..but it is so much easier to say than do.

Thanks again.

[+ purplekow]

While you man indeed need to suck it up to get through each day, you also need to work it out so that you can stop the sucking. If I might add a thought, some of your distress may revolve around your living a double life. I hope a therapist can get you to come to grips with your life and your choices and that you can move on successfully from there. The other thing Bradley, you may always share your experiences here. No matter if you believe yours is a exceptional experience, unique in every way, someone here has been through it and come out the other end. So do not be a afraid to share here, be prepared for some tough comments and let us help you which you help yourself. Meanwhile, how far is Chicago and an afternoon with one of the many delightful men of the Windy City? 180 miles would be my guess.

[doitb4ugo]

While you man indeed need to suck it up to get through each day, you also need to work it out so that you can stop the sucking. If I might add a thought, some of your distress may revolve around your living a double life. I hope a therapist can get you to come to grips with your life and your choices and that you can move on successfully from there. The other thing Bradley, you may always share your experiences here. No matter if you believe yours is a exceptional experience, unique in every way, someone here has been through it and come out the other end. So do not be a afraid to share here, be prepared for some tough comments and let us help you which you help yourself. Meanwhile, how far is Chicago and an afternoon with one of the many delightful men of the Windy City? 180 miles would be my guess.

 

Bradley, my circumstances are not too different from a number of yours. Welcome. You will find some very helpful and friendly ears for whatever you want to discuss here. PK is one of the most wise and helpful of the group...Indeed he has provided me with a number of very helpful, comic and usually pithy bits of advice for me over the 7 or so months I have been on the forum...I wish you the best in your journey and hope you manage to resolve your issues as you move forward....Always ask yourself....WHere do I see this going (for everything you do) or Where do i want this to go....Both question will often provide some clarity to your search....As for love, I did not fall in love but certainly and unhealthily had a strong crush on my first guy I hired for a m4m massage...He broke it off unexpectedly and I still think about him often...but it is getting better,,,getting to the anger stage helped me as did hiring a number of escorts to bring everything back to reality...if this is real?

 

Hang in there and welcome.

[Guest Bradley1]

If I might add a thought, some of your distress may revolve around your living a double life. I hope a therapist can get you to come to grips with your life and your choices and that you can move on successfully from there.

Yes, you are completely right about the problems coming out of my double life. Till now I was keeping the two apart, but when I fell for this wonderful, vibrant young man, that changed. When he disappeared, I found out that those commercials for depression drugs are right...it does affect everyone in your life. My work suffered, I could not sleep all the symptoms were there.

Having a therapist has helped. First time I have been able to say the whole truth about who I am. We have talked about what to do about this double life..but that's gonna take a few more sessions. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to get this beautiful, funny, sexy young man out of my head.

.

[jackcali]

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to get this beautiful, funny, sexy young man out of my head.

.

 

Welcome, Bradley.

 

In my experience, the only way to get something out of one's head, whether it's unrequited love, a business reversal or a family matter, is to crowd it out. Dwelling on your memories of your crush (even dwelling on "how do I forget this guy") is counterproductive. As suggested by others, go hire another escort but also reapply yourself to your work, a hobby, your family (especially if you think you're going to take action about your double life sometime in the near future), or anything else that will occupy your mind. At the moment, quiet contemplation is not your friend.

 

Good luck to you.

[Jaker27]

You know I've been with my share of married guys so I've done allot of ummm…reseach into this. So I understand this situation somewhat. However, I know I couldn't do it or even pretend to know what it's like to pretend to be something your not to the people closest to you. I experienced enough of that in my teenage years.

 

However, I do have friends in that situation right now. I honestly think it's a generational thing too. Like guys past 40 for the most part. Major things have changed in a relatively short amount of time. 20 years ago if gays were portrayed at all is was in a negative light. Plus, where you are. Yeah, small towns don’t make it too easy. That's why I got the hell out of mine just as soon as I legally could.

 

I came out pretty young (21) though by surprising my parents by taking them to their first gay parade. Yeah, I lied and said it was something other then what it was. Figured them being exposed to guys in chaps with their naked asses hanging out, big ol drag queens, and dykes on bikes would all be a good start to their cultural understanding of my world. LOL

 

Sorry didn't mean to get off topic.

[+ purplekow]

Jaker you may be right that this is generational. The over 40 crowd had some very brave men who were not afraid to fight the stereotypes and the hatred and the violence, but there were many who did not have that strength at that time. Men who when they were your age, had no role models to emulate. No support groups to assist. Little in the way of information regarding other men who were going through the same thing in large cities and small towns around the world. Things have changed dramatically. A gay teenager in the 60s could have no idea of the advances in acceptance that would be made over his lifetime. There are still real challenges but so much of the groundwork has been done by very brave men who are now approaching their 70s and beyond. While we can love the beauty and strength of the 20 something members of the gay community, I think we have been remiss in really thanking the more senior members who did the grunt work of getting a foundation built. So if you are over 45, thank you for your efforts in fighting for the freedoms that seem commonplace now. And if you are over 45 and just coming to grips with your sexuality, there are hands out there willing to lift you up and support you. Those same men who put the Pride in Gay Pride, who stood up at Stonewall. Those men, and men like them are a rock you can count on to build your new life. Help is everywhere Bradley, you just need to be willing to accept it.

[Diverdan]

Well said, Purplekow... Help is now everywhere, at least most everywhere...