Why did I fall head over heels for this escort?

[cynicalflannelwearer]

I wasn't ever going to discuss this, but since this is an anonymous forum I will go ahead and talk about it and as you guys for opinions because it's been a year since we last met and I still think about this guy on a daily basis.It's a long one, so please bear with me.

 

Approximately a year and a half ago I called this guy from a rent boy ad.He was like 25, 6'2, very attractive, and muscular.BTW, I am in my 30's, good looking, but not in the best of shape. I brought him down on the price some,my first mistake, and at first he was reluctant, but then called me back the next day and said he could meet me.

 

So we finally met in the lobby and had a little small talk while walking back to my room. Once we got inside he started doing a strip tease and then felt me up and asked me for the money. I was a little reluctant but my little head took over. So basically we did a few things,mostly pleasing him, and it was taking me a while to get off, and he was obviously looking at his watch and the clock, and then he told me my time was up.I was none too happy but got off. He took a shower and left.Yes, I know my time was up.My Fault.

 

The next day I called him and told him I had a good time and wanted to see him again.

 

So we met a second time and he asked for the money up front as soon as he walked into the room this time. I had it on the dresser for him.The same stuff happened as last time, but he got upset with me when I told him that he had won the genetic lottery by saying that he works hard to look as good as he looks. It was also this time that he told me he was straight. I sense that he knew I had feelings for him.

 

A few days later I texted him telling him that I can't stop thinking about him, and that he please understand that I can't help how I feel. Second mistake.

 

I tried for a couple months to see him again but it did not work with our schedules,as he had clients in international locations, or clients that took him on vacation with them.During this time I was crying every day!!! Even at work I had to go to the bathroom to cry!Lame, huh?

 

So when I finally met him for the third time he was somewhat friendly but said a few things to me that were obvious lies. Like when I asked him if he had a stage name he said he did, and he would tell me his real name later. He never did.I NEVER asked him for his real name. Also, he said that he could stay a little longer for me for the same fee. He didn't stay a second over the hour time frame,including his private shower time.

 

I texted him after he left saying that I missed him already. Third mistake.

 

The next morning I texted him again saying that I really need to talk to him.Fourth mistake.

 

At first he said he could, but then he said he couldn't, but to call him later. I did, he called me back as I was leaving town to drive back home. He tried to get me to meet him again, but I told him that I had checked out of the hotel, and besides I could not afford another session with him at that time, but I could pay for the gas, if he could meet me at a coffee shop near where he lived.

 

So he met me there and we went outside. It was then i lost all emotional control and started crying and telling him that I have never liked someone as much as him, and that I wasn't happy in my life, and I wasn't happy being gay, and all kinds of stuff. BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE! He got defensive, told me that he understands, that he's not gay, that he is just trying to make a living,etc,etc.This is probably the most honest he had ever been with me. I told him I was making a fool out of myself, and that I am going to go.

 

At this point I forgot all about the money thing, but he rushed up behind me and asked, so I asked him how much, gave him the money and left.

 

 

It was at this point that I honestly believe that I was having a nervous breakdown.I was crying ALL THE TIME.

I could barely make the drive home. I was so distraught that I spent the next two days at home, in bed.I called in sick at work,I was texting him and telling him how I knew he didn't care,etc, etc. This was the closest I had ever been to ending my own life. Silly, I know.

 

He finally called me back after I texted him a nasty message calling him a few choice words.I know I should never have done that! We talked for awhile, he told me I was being very rude, and I agreed.That was that.

 

After this, I would still think about him every day. He finally agreed to meet me a couple months after the last incident. I met him twice in two days.

Things went well.I had lost some weight and he told me that he noticed, and that he was looking out for me.

 

When I got home I emailed him and told him that I loved and cared about him, and that I was willing to do many things for him because we were "meant" to be together.He emailed me back saying that it wasn't possible, that he was straight and did not want a relationship.

 

We met once again in June, 2009. We went out to dinner, and back to my room. I did not have the money out for him this time, but in my wallet. He seemed preoccupied, like he thought I wasn't going to pay him or something. We got off, he took a shower,I gave him the money, he said he wanted to meet me again, and he left.

 

In July 2009, I texted him saying I was coming down and I would like to meet him.He said it would be fine, and he would really like to see me. So when I got down there I texted him, he did not get the text until later in the day.So I called him, he did not answer. I never saw him again.I called him one more time to tell him how I felt that he was not being professional, etc,etc, and that I was HURT by what he did. I cried AGAIN, and drove back home.

 

He never responded to me. He probably blocked my number and my email address.I don't blame him.

 

What the HELL happened?? Not with him, but with me?!! I have NEVER had feelings for escorts before him, nor after! I am a grown ass man! I am an intelligent, well rounded person. How did this happen?? I shut my family out for months!!!The people that actually love me and give a shit about whether I live or die! Why was I obsessed with this guy!?

 

Your thoughts please. Thank you.

[bronxboy30]

Well the only thing I can say is I've been in situations in the past where I thought I was in love with straight guys. But I was always grounded in reality. I knew when they didn't 'love' me back it was never their fault...it was all about my psychosis. I also knew I was having acceptance issues about being gay... and falling for people I could never be with which fed into my self hatred and abandonment issues. When I finally went for help my therapist told me that until I confront and work on these issues you constantly play them out as adults. If you have abandonment issues as a child you might end up with someone who is emotionally or physically not there for you because that is what you know or on some subconscious level feel comfortable with. Working through some of these issues helped untangle a lot of questions I was having. Sometimes you need the break down you had to help you get to the next level. Hope this helps a little.

[orbital sander]

Wow there...after reading your post I am a little worried for you. I am not at all qualified in mental health, but I am wondering if you have ever considered seeing a therapist about this? I spent many years in counseling, as I was abused as a child. It was not a magic bullet that I was hoping for but it did help me learn the value of talking things over with other people.

 

I am wondering if you may find a similar benefit.

 

As far as the escort was concerned, it sounds like he and you are both in very different worlds. His need was financial, yours was more personal. Without judging you or him, it was probably a bad combination.

 

We all need help at times, I hope you find yours.

 

Peace,

 

OS

[Guest greatness]

well

 

I hope you feel better.. and if you want to cry then cry there is nothing bad about it... let it out. I wish I were there to give you a hug. I think I can understand you and what you are going through.. He doesn't love you and he just want your money. If you need someone to talk private me, I can listen. Do not feel bad about yourself and don't be sad. It is just a matter of perspective. Something good will come along in your life and you got a family who loves you. That's a start.. Hope you feel better kisses and hugs~~~ I hope I can see a smile on your face soon.

[+ purplekow]

Clearly you need to work out this obsession with someone capable of unravelling the entire story. You do not mention seeing any other escorts during this time and while I am not suggesting trying to find a substitute, what I think is you need companionship as well as sexual outlets. So I would suggest, a counselor, a new escort and opening yourself up to making gay friends, either on a gay cruise, gay resort vacation or here in the forum. No one should be able to make you feel as bad as this man did. While not his doing, it could have been your undoing. Seek help.

[+ azdr0710]

people often confuse infatuation for love.....

 

possibly, this guy was SO good-looking, confident, in shape, and everything else that you just became obsessed with his seemingly having it all together...you just wanted to be around a person like that.....

 

if he is, indeed, straight, it obviously wasn't going to go any further than a business deal for him....he did milk you for money, it appears, but then called it off because he may have sensed it was getting too weird...probably the right thing for him to do, sorry to say......

 

gotta take it one day at a time....all the crying shows you were really smitten with him....many people, gay and straight, go thru the same emotions, of course......hell, tragic love stories have been around for centuries.....

 

no grand revelations here...sorry....busy yourself with work, time for yourself, a favorite hobby, volunteering, seeing/calling relatives/friends, all that.....it will take time

[cynicalflannelwearer]

You may be right....

 

people often confuse infatuation for love.....

 

possibly, this guy was SO good-looking, confident, in shape, and everything else that you just became obsessed with his seemingly having it all together...you just wanted to be around a person like that.....

 

if he is, indeed, straight, it obviously wasn't going to go any further than a business deal for him....he did milk you for money, it appears, but then called it off because he may have sensed it was getting too weird...probably the right thing for him to do, sorry to say......

 

gotta take it one day at a time....all the crying shows you were really smitten with him....many people, gay and straight, go thru the same emotions, of course......hell, tragic love stories have been around for centuries.....

 

no grand revelations here...sorry....busy yourself with work, time for yourself, a favorite hobby, volunteering, seeing/calling relatives/friends, all that.....it will take time

 

I don't blame him for not wanting to see me again, but he did not need to tell me that he really wanted to see me in July 2009, and then ignore me when I went to see him.But maybe that was his way of getting back at me for annoying him.

 

Oh, I forgot to tell everyone that I had run into him at a restaurant one time when I had gone down to the Metro area he lives in.I was on my laptop, and he was in a business suit talking to a client in a non escort business that he was doing at that time. We never said anything to each other, but when I asked him if that was actually him there the next time I met him, he said he "didn't remember". And, no I was not following him. LOL I don't know where he lives or anything about his real self.How weird, considering I do not live in that city, and there are several million people in that area.

 

Oh, and as far as I know, he does not escort anymore, but then again, why should I care? I need to find someone that actually cares about me.

[Guest greatness]

I hope

 

You can find someone who really cares about you~~

[cynicalflannelwearer]

You can find someone who really cares about you~~

 

Thank you, greatness!

[xxxdude]

Everything they've told u here were all true! I've been in d same boat and u need to help yourself! No matter how good d advises are, at d end of d day, your decision is d only thing that'll matter! So, do what u think is necessary! Don't b over power by your emotions! You have to think! It's only a business for d escorts! Without your money, they wouldn't even bother to see u or talk to u at all! That's d reality! - money talks, bs walks. It is an impossibilty for an escort to develop a certain level of emotional attachment for their client. Remember, what you guys have shared was only lust - well actually some escorts only takes d blue tablet just to feel d urge. Anyhow, just move on! You'll find someone else for sure.

[+ Italiano]

I need to find someone that actually cares about me.

 

That's a very good statement, but I think also you should try to understand that you can not force anyone to like you and/or have feeling for you, neither blame this person if he doesn't want to take care of you.

[xxxdude]

That's a very good statement, but I think also you should try to understand that you can not force anyone to like you and/or have feeling for you, neither blame this person if he doesn't want to take care of you.

 

You are absolutely right! - again, there's a right man for u! Someone who'll take care and love u unconditionally.

[NYTomcat]

Everything they've told u here were all true! I've been in d same boat and u need to help yourself! No matter how good d advises are, at d end of d day, your decision is d only thing that'll matter! So, do what u think is necessary! Don't b over power by your emotions! You have to think! It's only a business for d escorts! Without your money, they wouldn't even bother to see u or talk to u at all! That's d reality! - money talks, bs walks. It is an impossibilty for an escort to develop a certain level of emotional attachment for their client. Remember, what you guys have shared was only lust - well actually some escorts only takes d blue tablet just to feel d urge. Anyhow, just move on! You'll find someone else for sure.

 

OK WHOA WHOA WHOA. Slow down.

 

The point I think you are trying to make here is a good one... though you take it waaaaaayyyyyyy too far. Escorts are human and have a full range of emotions like everybody else. and yes some even get turned on and attracted to clients. That said we need to remember this is their business. No matter how friendly or even amorous this is a job and not a romance unless they start telling you otherwise. You can enjoy the fantasy as long as you keep the grip on that reality. Its important for client to remember the escorts may like you a great deal and even enjoy spending time with you but they are there to fulfill a job.

 

Flannel. First of all, allow yourself to be human. Don't beat yourself up over how you feel or felt. We dont ask for whom we are attracted to we just are. Now that said.... you may really want to see that counselor to figure out other issues. For example... Why a paid escort who ... doesnt treat you well or even do what you asked of them. Is what turns you on.... Why do you feel love for the one who treats you like crap? Dont get me wrong I don't think your alone here at all. But its a worthwhile question to try and answer.

 

Boundaries can be a very hard thing to maintain. I understand that. Thats not to say you should not love this guy. It happens... just keep it in perspective and remember what the relationship is... or is not, as the case may be.

[Guest greatness]

It's a start~~

 

I'm glad that you came here opened up yourself. Thank you for doing that~~ For me talking to other people helps because it clears up my mind and helps me think through. I can't say for everybody here but not all of my experiences with escorts were not that great and I guess some escorts can say the same thing for the time they've spent with me. We all learn and understand other people through good or bad experiences. I hope this helped you to see things you have not thought of before and help you achieve better things. Every tear drops makes us stronger and better~~~ and you will meet someone who cares for you. When I'm lonely I reach out to people who are lonely around me without expecting anything in return. As long as I am doing that there must be someone else doing that in this world. That person might be thousand miles away from me and they might have never met me but I find comfort in that fact and I consider them my princes.. Why don't you reach out to other people who are lonely and deserted? It gives me strength everyday to go on for me..

You don't have to do anything special or look far.. How about doing something sweet for your co-worker who is down.. That's a start~~

[xxxdude]

NYTomcat, certainly they have a range of emotions and they are fulfilling and/or doing their job. They may b "attracted" to d client too, yes possible, but d reality is that attraction wouldn't develop to a romantic relationship since their main priority is to make a living and make the job well done. If an escort met a client and there was an attraction, it doesn't necessarily mean that it'll be for "FREE!" absolotely not! Thus, an escort may b attracted but will never develop any romantic or emotional attachment to d client. Still they wouldn't waste time listening on someone elses problems unless money would b involve. That's d reality. And every client should b aware of that - crystal clear. Nothing wrong in hiring, as long as u set your limits! U enjoy the moment and that's it. - PEACE!

[lookin4hotties]

head over heels

 

Sorry that happened. There is a real disconnect between the intimacy of an

encounter with an escort (or with any one-night stand, paid or not) that can

really bring up a lot of emotions sometimes when you realize you might not see

the guy again after it's over. You tell yourself that these feelings shouldn't

happen, but they just do sometimes. If you've ever felt this way before

with someone you really cared about and it happens again, it can REALLY

hit hard, because the old feelings you forgot about can come right back

like a ton of bricks hitting you in the dark.

 

It's also hard to have feelings for someone that will never have the

same feelings for you, particularly he's REALLY SMOKIN' HOT!

 

If you are suffering and missing an escort like he's an ex-boyfriend, then

you shouldn't be seeing escorts right now. That kind of awful drama for

you is not worth spending money on even if it gets you in bed with guys

hotter than what you can normally pick up. Take a break, maybe take a

trip this summer with friends. Try to enjoy yourself this summer any way

you can and a few great times with some actual friends would be a good

way to start. You deserve it.

 

Lookin4hotties

[+ bigjoey]

It is not a new issue. Over a century ago, another gay man, A E Houseman wrote A Stropshire Lad which has the famous poem:

 

http://www.bartleby.com/123/13.html

 

When I was one-and-tewnty

I heard a wise man say,

'Give crowns and pounds and guineas

But not your heart away',

 

I first read the poem in high school and have thought of it many times when with an escort. I suggest reading the shot poem and remember it when meeting the escort who you find the love-of-your-life.

[Lewis H]

There's also a book called "Love and Limerence," that talks about this kind of obsession, which they say isn't uncommon:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Limerence-Experience-Being/dp/0812862864

 

It sounds like what the preface says in just the first page:

 

"You think:

I want you.

I want you forever, now, yesterday, and always. Above all, I want you to want me...

 

...The expression thinking of you fails to convey either the quantity or quality of this unwilled mental activity. "Obsessed" comes closer but leaves out the aching. A child is obsessed on Christmas Eve. But it's a happy prepossession full of excitement, curiosity and expectation. This prepossession is an emotional roller coaster that carries me from the peak of ecstacy to the depths of despair. And back again."

[+ sf westcoaster]

Although you have received some excellent advice from a wide range of posters, the only person who can do anything about your situation is you. I encourage you to seek some professional help - you will be gald you did.

 

Also want to add that Tomcats' words are spot on.

[doitb4ugo]

Although you have received some excellent advice from a wide range of posters, the only person who can do anything about your situation is you. I encourage you to seek some professional help - you will be gald you did.

 

Also want to add that Tomcats' words are spot on.

 

I also urge you to get professional help.

 

You're story touched me deeply. I had the beginnings of the same experience...I fell for yhe guy I hired (massage) and became obsessed...after a number of visits, he very wisely cut me off by refusing to answer my e-mails and blocking my phone...I thought there must be some mistake, followed by the usual anger and resentment,,followed by thankfullness that he did what he did...very professional of him to see what I could or would not...

 

During this time I became more and more obsessed and isolated. Only talking to guys here on the forum and finally many months later seeing a doctor, did I begin to put the pieces together....I need to thank the guys here who care for each other in pround and unexpected ways....We all have problems...what we all need is a path to understanding that and that path should include professional help when all else fails.

 

Please, take control over your future by admitting that you do not have control now but are not far away from the means to make it better...Only you can move your life forward but don't hesitate to lean on those who care for you and will listen to anything you have to say.

 

Love and blessings

[JT Brooklyn]

Dear Cynical..

 

The Best You could do in this Situation was to relay your feelings in writing to those who at one time or another have had the same EXPERIENCE I'm sure!

 

Just remember this one IF and When the feelings are similar again.

[Guest greatness]

Yes

 

Admitting is the very first step in finding a solution! I fell in love with a straight guy once. He also made me uncomfortable by making gay jokes and pretending he's gay when he's not. I confessed my feelings and stayed away. He kept a distance from me too. It didn't completely destroy our friendship. I think it was a good thing for me to confess to him. If I had not admitted my feelings and confessed to him then I think our friendship might have turned ugly. By doing so I gave him time and space to make a decision too. I think that is important in a relationship. No one will be happy by forcing someone to stay with you, nor will it work.

[cynicalflannelwearer]

Admitting is the very first step in finding a solution! I fell in love with a straight guy once. He also made me uncomfortable by making gay jokes and pretending his gay when he's not. I confessed my feelings and stayed away. He kept a distance from me too. It didn't completely destroy our friendship. I think it was a good thing for me to confess to him. If I had not admitted my feelings and confessed to him then I think our friendship might have turned ugly. By doing so I gave him time and space to make a decision too. I think that is important in a relationship. No one will be happy by forcing someone to stay with you, nor it will work.

 

So true. I wasted enough of my time and money on this person. All for what? A nervous breakdown?SO not worth it. I would have been better off jacking off and calling it a night instead of calling him....no offense to escorts.

 

I told him one time in one of my emails that I knew that it didn't matter to him what I looked like or what kind of a person I was, or my feelings for him, all that mattered was the cold hard CASH. DUH!!

[Boomer]

For what it's worth, I don't think what happened was really about the escort. The escort allowed you to project internal, deep seeded issues that you're struggling with. The fact that you've been so open (in an annoymous forum) shows your willingness to explore what's going on in your life. My only suggestion is to find a good therapist that you like so that you can better understand yourself and why you have these reactions and symptoms to someone who treated you quite poorly.

[cynicalflannelwearer]

I know I am bumping my own thread but.....

 

I think I know why I may have developed feelings for this guy, and maybe he was just doing what he thought I wanted him to do, but, I remember that he called me baby, and allowed me to kiss him ,and no other escorts before or after have called me baby or allowed me to kiss them....maybe there is a good reason why most escorts that I have seen don't kiss their clients...something to think about.