BDSM Primer -

[doitb4ugo]

In an effort to try to understand the very clever banter and other relevant posting here in the Fetish Forum, I would like to request a conversation which would help me to better understand "your world". I realize that, as in all things sexual, complexity far outweighs simplicity. Following is a quote from Wikepedia on BDSM:

 

BDSM is a type of roleplay or lifestyle choice or between two or more individuals who use their experiences of pain and power to create sexual tension, pleasure, and release. The compound acronym, BDSM, is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D, B/D, or BD), dominance and submission (D&s, D/s, or Ds), sadism and masochism (S&M, S/M, or SM).[1]

BDSM includes a wide spectrum of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.

 

Confusing to say the least....at least to me.

 

I'm hoping several of the posters with an interest could do a less clinical and more informative outline of what types of activities constitutes BDSM (if that is even the correct term). I enjoy this forum and its posters. Hoping to learn a little something in the process by getting a basic understanding of what it's all about....I did check out BoundGods but the short clips don't tell me much about the experience....kind of like watching baseball highlights but not seeing the game, so to speak.

[+ Charlie]

I'm sure others can give much more detail, but here's a quick primer. Consensual BDSM is not the same thing as real SM, in which the sadist gets sexual satisfaction from doing things the victim does not want him to do, and the masochist gets off on being used however the sadist wants. As Wikipedia suggests, most BDSM is roleplay which the participants enter voluntarily, with limits agreed to ahead of time. Use of initials can be confusing, since S can mean either sadist or slave, while M can mean either masochist or master, so it's a good idea to clarify your terms when you say, "I'm a big ole M." Bondage is self-explanatory, although there is an enormous variety, and someone who is into rope bondage may have no interest in doing the same things with duct tape; by the way, many people into SM are not necessarily into bondage. There is also great variation in gradation: some guys like to be handcuffed for a few minutes, while others like to be totally immobilized for hours. Discipline is a vague term that could include anything from being ordered to shine some's boots to being flogged till you faint. Classic discipline usually includes some sort of corporal punishment, but it could be a few slaps on the ass or having burning cigars appled to your nipples. Domination means one partner controls the action (or pretends to) while the other submits to being controlled (or pretends to). When an escort says, "I'm going to fuck the shit out of you, so shut up and give me your ass!" it means that the client has told him that he likes to be roughly fucked by someone who takes charge. The range of activities that people enjoy and agree to is almost endless, and the sensible thing to do is explain to your partner what you know you would enjoy, what you know you would absolutely not enjoy, and what acts you're not too sure about but would be willingly to try if there is a guarantee that you can stop if you change your mind.

 

By the way, fetishes don't necessarily have any relation to BDSM. Someone may like to be pissed on as an act of discipline by a dominant top, or he may simply be fascinated by piss itself, completely unconnected to the pisser and the situation; one guy may prefer the physical sensation of being fucked with a dildo (including doing it to himself in the privacy of his bedroom), while another may only enjoy it when it's part of a domination scene.

[whipped guy]

Theme and Variations

 

...a quote from Wikepedia on BDSM:

I think I remember reading that a while back myself... Now for some late-night thoughts... Let's just say it takes many forms ... Is totally concentual... involves a lot of trust... and evolves over time and at different times can involve different aspects depending on one's mood and mindset. In other words there can be many variations that grow out of a single basic theme... and the tempi can vary from adagio to presto and the mode can be minor or major.

 

When the bottom can be assured and have faith in what the top is doing the enjoyment can know no bounds. So, the bottom (no pun intended?) line is this: The bottom always calls the shots, sets the limits, and is the one really in command... The top dishes things out in the proper proportions for the bottom's pleasure (and obviously for his own gratification as well)... if things get "top-heavy" the whole thing can disintegrate into a troubling situation... That's where confidence and trustworthiness come into play... as it is absolutely essential that both parties be on the same wavelength and always on the same page.

 

I'll probably have more thoughts when my head is a bit clearer, but the key is to get things in the proper proportions so the top-gun is really and truthfully "taking good care of his boy".

[Businessguy]

Well said!

 

Charlie and Whipped Guy should be teaching a class on BDSM 101! The main themes running in both are endless variety, communication & trust and are right on target. I'm sure many non-participants are confused by the stereotypes and sometimes turned off by what they "think" BDSM is when it is lumped into one lable.

I fantasized about certain aspects of it for many years before trying things out. I've learned that some parts I didn't enjoy and are best left as a fantasy. Other aspects really turned me on and have become even more satisfying when matched with an experienced and trustworhy partner. There are so many variations and degrees of BDSM that it is nearly impossible to talk about it without the focus of knowing some of your specific questions.

I understand your analogy about watching only the video trailers on Boundgods. I think that site is one of the best for the "more extreme" BDSM. It might be worth a small investment on your part to watch a couple complete videos to see what turns you on and what makes you cringe. There are interviews with the "actors" at the beginning and at the end of the video where they discuss their level of experience, what they liked and didn't like during the shoot and how it was different than what they expected. Those interviews may answer many of your questions or maybe bring up some quesions that we can discuss here.

The most important thing is to play consentually, safely and with someone who communicates well and is trustworthy. I can't emphasize that enough!

Let the questions begin!

[doitb4ugo]

My first questions - insatiable

 

WOW Where to begin. I am fascinated/turned on by the tying up with rope....in all sorts of places. Even some very fancy knotwork etc....quite beautiful in how neatly it is done. How does something like this take place outside of a film studio....the time to do it would be very long would it not.

 

And all the equipment, not something you would normaly see in real life? rather than film.

 

How badly do the floggers and whips hurt....they really seem to raise some marks. The guy being tortured (not sure if that's the right word) seems to also get serviced frequently. Wouldn't the dominant person demand that he get the attention rather than the other way around.

 

Also I haven't seen any water sports yet...is that something different?

 

Are there any amatuer sites featuring a less complicated approach to some of this.

 

I should mention that I did not realize the trailers on BoundGods went on for pages, not just the last few thursdays....gave me more to look at...Thanks for your info so far....I hope to slowly delve into a little bit of this stuf, if I ever get the opportunity.

 

As I watch more, I'm sure there will be a million questions.

 

My apologies If I exhaust you with these questions. A few people on this board who know me wouldn't be surprised at my inquisitiveness (sp?)

[raulgmanzo]

WOW Where to begin. I am fascinated/turned on by the tying up with rope....in all sorts of places. Even some very fancy knotwork etc....quite beautiful in how neatly it is done. How does something like this take place outside of a film studio....the time to do it would be very long would it not.

 

And all the equipment, not something you would normaly see in real life? rather than film.

 

Rope, shibari, and various combinations can take a long time but probably not nearly so much time as you might think. There are little tricks that can make a very ornate and intricate appearing binding take just a few minutes.

 

I tend to carry a LOT of gear including rope with me when I travel. Oh I've LOTS of stories about TSA since I often carry on much of my gear. They only once asked me why had a bunch of rope. But the weighted ball bag almost always gets their attention and occasionally some very sexy smiles.

 

http://raulgmanzo.com/misc/cg0098.jpghttp://raulgmanzo.com/misc/cg7852.jpg

http://raulgmanzo.com/misc/twocloumn.jpg

[whipped guy]

How badly do the floggers and whips hurt....they really seem to raise some marks.

The feel of a flogger can go from gentle sensuousness as it floats across your body to a sharp stinging sensation when used with brute force... with every possible gradation in between. Shoot! There is nothing like the sweet smell of the leather as it is lovingly caresses your face... before you receive that smack across your chest. An experienced guy can cause the proper amount of pain and leave minimal markings... just some redness that will disappear in a few hours (a topical 1 percent hydrocortisone cream in an unscented water base works well if things tend to get a bit overdone). It all has to do with physics and where the blows are targeted...

See the following thread entitled "Flogging 101".. http://www.companyofmen.org/showthread.php?t=67513

 

The guy being tortured (not sure if that's the right word) seems to also get serviced frequently. Wouldn't the dominant person demand that he get the attention rather than the other way around.

It usually is the other way around as many BDSM tops don't give... though at times it can happen depending on the guy.

 

 

My apologies If I exhaust you with these questions. A few people on this board who know me wouldn't be surprised at my inquisitiveness (sp?)

Inquisitiveness (spelled correctly by the way) is what this board is all about!

[Guest Spanky]

Elephants?

 

Elephant hide floggers? Really? That's a new one on me. That's got to be illegal somewhere...

 

Doit - as mentioned in the thread that Whipped referenced, there are a number of variables that factor into the flogging experience. But all things the same, in the hands of a skilled top the material really makes a difference. If you're just starting out, go for the deerskin. It's the softest leather out there and will give you a very enjoyable "thudding" type of flogging with very little sting. As you progress, elk, cowhide, and bison might be considerations and the deerskin flogger then becomes a nice warm-up instrument. Take my advice and, for now, stay away from anything made of rubber and any type of single-tailed instrument. And definitely anything that is rubber AND single tail. That's a very painful combination (speaking from experience here). And tell your top that you don't want welts or broken skin. And most importantly, enjoy the ride, you're gonna love it.

 

As for the rope work, I don't quite get it, but hey to each his own. As Raul says, a specialist can get you tied up pretty quickly, and more importantly they can untie even more quickly. A key consideration if you get into distress and start freaking out! You'll also find a number of guys into rope work that think they are artists and really just get off on tying a guy up and admiring their handiwork.

 

One final thought about being restrained (ropes or other devices). My opinion, especially for beginners, is that it's normal to be uncomfortable when you're restrained, but you should not be in pain. If you are genuinely in pain, tell the top to change something. Now, if you start be in pain because of what the top is doing to you while you are tied, well that's another matter...

[whipped guy]

Elephant hide floggers? Really? That's a new one on me. That's got to be illegal somewhere...

Actually I was just kidding about that one!

Take my advice and, for now, stay away from anything made of rubber and any type of single-tailed instrument. And definitely anything that is rubber AND single tail. That's a very painful combination (speaking from experience here). And tell your top that you don't want welts or broken skin. And most importantly, enjoy the ride, you're gonna love it.

There is a guy at the NY Bondage Club that gave quite a demo with single tailed leather floggers... next time I attend I plan on asking him to do a flogging scene with me that would include single tailed floggers... I consider that to be the ultimate advanced course and have never really tried it at an intense level. However, this guy is so skilled that I would completely trust him.

 

As for the rope work, I don't quite get it, but hey to each his own. As Raul says, a specialist can get you tied up pretty quickly, and more importantly they can untie even more quickly.... but you should not be in pain.

There are also issues regarding circulation... and some of us being of advanced age need to address those problems as well... LOL!

 

At any rate, I have come to not need rope as a significant part of the equation as time has passed on. Just being there and "taking it like a man" somehow does it for me quite nicely.

[raulgmanzo]

There are many very different things to like about rope.

It is not just about restraint, there are people that like the look which ranges from rough hewn to very beautiful works of art. The sensation of rope can be tight and confiing but it can also be soft and caressing. Being suspended is something that done right is quite a thrill and though usually restraining is not neccessarily submissive or even restraining.

 

Rope can be a good adjunct to flogging, of course the restraint, which also can be good for safety to for example keep the bottom from suddenly turning and getting hit in the wrong place. But also the rope can be cleverly positioned to keep blows away from sensitive areas, for example the kidneys or to soften the blows. The same can be true for all kinds of restraints, it is a great benefit of a heavy leather hood or blindfolds, protects the head and eyes.

 

But I'm just learning the ropes of ropes.

Mostly I use various restraints and hardward mostly from leather and other material.

 

Oh and it was mentioned that a skilled practioner should be able to undo the ropes quickly, that is also why one should have scissors or a knife handy in case of problems. With my gear I have some bandage scissors which are pretty safe because the tips are blunt but it easil cuts rope, and TSA actually allows them on board aircraft now.

[whipped guy]

Safety is the bottm line

 

Rope can be a good adjunct to flogging, of course the restraint, which also can be good for safety to for example keep the bottom from suddenly turning and getting hit in the wrong place. But also the rope can be cleverly positioned to keep blows away from sensitive areas, for example the kidneys or to soften the blows. The same can be true for all kinds of restraints, it is a great benefit of a heavy leather hood or blindfolds, protects the head and eyes.

I am glad that safety issues are being addressed. It is amazing how many guys don’t know what areas of the body to avoid. For example, the fleshy sides of the upper torso are prone to bruising. If a flogger hits these already tender areas it usually does so with an increased momentum and velocity as it “whips” around the corners of the body, thus creating an increase in the capacity for even more bruising… this as opposed to a clean and direct swat on the back for example.

 

But I'm just learning the ropes of ropes... Oh and it was mentioned that a skilled practioner should be able to undo the ropes quickly…

I have posted this before, but once while at the NYBC a guy freaked out (and even passed out for a few moments) when participating in a bondage scene. Ironically he volunteered for a demonstration illustrating how to tie someone up safely… to prevent circulatory problems, to prevent undo pressure, to insure the bottom’s comfort, and to be able to remove things quickly. Unfortunately, that last point needed to be addressed… and things were removed quite efficiently, but still not fast enough for the bottom. Still, his response was mostly psychological as this was his first time and it was in a public forum too boot. Ironically, the guy was beefy and tough looking… but I guess we all have a weaker side… so outward appearances can be deceptive… so best to be prepared.

 

Form Spanky’s posting above many of us have tried certain things… stupid things… and we now know what to avoid. My brainless moment was agreeing to be caned… yes the long bamboo stick used to punish offenders in Asia… very stupid. Of course, irresponsible guys have done inane things as well… the most irresponsible being pouring Sterno on my chest… I was blindfolded… and it felt good at the time… but as with the caning the lingering effects lasted for weeks… Not good! But we live and learn… and learn to play sensibly and responsibly… and also who are the reliable guys out there with whom to play. Raul is obviously one of those guys.

[Guest OCBeachbody]

Great post guys.... thanks for the primer. My only experiences are when some of my friends have dragged me into the Adult stores up in Los Angeles.

I think the place was called the "Pleasure Chest" or something. I remember I went into the BDSM area and was surprised by all the gadgets and gizmos.

 

One thing it looked like there was entire sub-cultures to the B&D area.

Like your examples with rope and restraints, then there are those into leather straps, the whole latex stuff (that scarred me), and then the more intense stuff like the hoods, lockboxs, body bags, and cages. I admit I a very ignorant on the subject and thanks again for shedding some light

[doitb4ugo]

Ropes, floggers, knives, Oh My!

 

There are many very different things to like about rope.

It is not just about restraint, there are people that like the look which ranges from rough hewn to very beautiful works of art. The sensation of rope can be tight and confiing but it can also be soft and caressing. Being suspended is something that done right is quite a thrill and though usually restraining is not neccessarily submissive or even restraining.

 

Rope can be a good adjunct to flogging, of course the restraint, which also can be good for safety to for example keep the bottom from suddenly turning and getting hit in the wrong place. But also the rope can be cleverly positioned to keep blows away from sensitive areas, for example the kidneys or to soften the blows. The same can be true for all kinds of restraints, it is a great benefit of a heavy leather hood or blindfolds, protects the head and eyes.

 

But I'm just learning the ropes of ropes.

Mostly I use various restraints and hardward mostly from leather and other material.

 

Oh and it was mentioned that a skilled practioner should be able to undo the ropes quickly, that is also why one should have scissors or a knife handy in case of problems. With my gear I have some bandage scissors which are pretty safe because the tips are blunt but it easil cuts rope, and TSA actually allows them on board aircraft now.

 

I need to thank all of you for the effort you are all taking to educate me and answer my questions. I am certainly learning a good deal. I am assuming that my education is important to understand the menu and how I want to order my pain....Is it true that I need to know less but experience more. or is this one case where an informed person needs to take charge to be in a safe position to give up liberty and limb.

 

I do fnd the rope and its uses as very sexy and a big turn-on...perhaps true of all restraints, I don't know...something about the artistic quality of rope itself and knots....make a boy scout proud LOL.

 

I finally understand Whipped's comment about being in a movie and being the star...So I have learned something...I would never have thought of it that way before. Enlightenment.

 

More learning followed by more questions seems like the order of the day...I'm off to do some more exploring. Thanks GUYS.

[whipped guy]

or is this one case where an informed person needs to take charge to be in a safe position to give up liberty and limb.

To paraphrase Sy Syms...

 

An educated BDSM bottom is our best customer

 

...and actually should be the only customer.

[Guest Spanky]

A little inspiration for Doit.

 

I do fnd the rope and its uses as very sexy and a big turn-on...perhaps true of all restraints, I don't know...something about the artistic quality of rope itself and knots....make a boy scout proud LOL.

 

Doit - something to aspire to:

 

http://images.imageturtle.com/users/3147/hl/0c8b487f7755a82a333476c30e3e42aa.jpg

[whipped guy]

Doit - something to aspire to:

 

More inspiration:

 

http://www.nybondageclub.com/images/0207_142010/P1010657.jpg

[+ Charlie]

Love the background signs. I wonder what the poor boy will look like after the "renovation."

[whipped guy]

Love the background signs. I wonder what the poor boy will look like after the "renovation."

LOL! Yes! I thought that was an nice touch as well!

 

At any rate, I have not been to the NYBC at Paddles in a while... but the place really needed a bit of sprucing up to say the least...

[Guest Spanky]

Another random thought

 

Doit - as you start out with bondage, make certain that your top stays with you whenever you are restrained. I mentioned before that it's not uncommon to freak out and you want your top there if that happens.

[Businessguy]

Rope Works

 

I also like using rope for several reasons. First - it's cheap and readily available. I never worry about taking it with me when I travel because I can get 200Ft of decent quality 1/2" or larger rope at any harware store for no more than $20. I usually cut it down into more managable lengths and use electrical or duct tape to wrap the ends so they don't unravel. Second - rope is easy to custom fit to the guy and also whatever I have to tie him to - chair, pole, bed ect. Third - with a little practice, it can be made to be restrictive or somewhat moveable and can be comfortable or uncomfortable to match the desired effect.

What takes some practice are the knots. You can find diagrams of various knots online or in an old boy scout book. Check out http://www.iwillknot.com for some very basic and easy to understand video instruction. Another site that is a bit more advanced is http://www.realknots.com. Research can be half the fun.

[doitb4ugo]

Found another organizational tool - What is wwong with me!

 

Being the organized kind of person I am, I just came across a BDSM Checklist at the BDSM Resource Center.

 

http://www.thebrc.net/check_list/default.htm

 

It looked like a good idea to get some sort of a population of activities which could be rated as to interest. Just up my alley and maybe it will help focus me on defining the world as I know it....I have not yet gone through it but intend to do so when I have about 30 minutes(recommended time).

 

I felt the need to post due to all the great help/advice I'm receiving here in this thread...I continue to be very inquisitive and am taking my time to fit this into my world view (sexually speaking). Process, Process, Process.

 

Thanks to all who have ass-isted in feeding my curiosity.

[Guest Spanky]

Being the organized kind of person I am, I just came across a BDSM Checklist at the BDSM Resource Center.

 

http://www.thebrc.net/check_list/default.htm

 

It looked like a good idea to get some sort of a population of activities which could be rated as to interest. Just up my alley and maybe it will help focus me on defining the world as I know it....I have not yet gone through it but intend to do so when I have about 30 minutes(recommended time).

 

Thank you Doit. Very interesting. I couldn't quite get it to work - my list didn't populate and I couldn't email myself the results - but it is a fascinating instrument. Some new fetishes for me and one or two things that left me scratching my head. There's also some repetition across the sections (e.g., is "branding irons" all that different from "branding"?) but I can't think of anything I like (or dislike) that wasn't represented somewhere.

 

While I was completing it I thought - wow, this would be a great thing for partners to exchange to learn about what the other is into. Then I quickly realized I'd never give that list to a dom, because they would immediately hone in on all the things I listed as not of interest but didn't list as a limit...."so, you don't like having your balls tied off and worked over with sandpaper, but it's not a limit....what shall we do first..."

[whipped guy]

BDSMania!

 

Being the organized kind of person I am...

 

Me thinks we freaken created a

 

MONSTER!!!!

 

 

 

All kidding aside, I had the same reaction (and problems) as did Spanky...

[+ Charlie]

Doit - as you start out with bondage, make certain that your top stays with you whenever you are restrained. I mentioned before that it's not uncommon to freak out and you want your top there if that happens.

 

I once foolishly allowed an escort, whom I had been with several times, to tie me on his bed. Then he announced that he needed to run out and get cigarettes, and before I could think to object, he left. For the next fifteen minutes I was in an absolute panic, wondering what I would do if something happened to him (hit by a bus, arrested, shot by a mugger, etc.) and he didn't return. I remembered once having read a news article about a guy being found dead in an apartment in the Village after a fire--a top had chained him and then gone out to a leather bar for a drink. I was so rattled that the instant he returned, I insisted on being untied, and I ended the appointment. I never hired him again, and it was years before I even considered letting anyone restrain me in any way.

[whipped guy]

Another Bed Time Story... or two...

 

speling

...to tie me on his bed....

Since we are relaying bed-bondage stories, it reminds me of the time that I was tied to the "Sweet Sleeper Bed" at the Sheraton in NYC. The maid not realizing that I had arranged a late checkout pranced into the room (and without intoning the usual obligatory "house keeping!") thinking that I had checked out hours ago... Well Surprise!!!!! But then again I would think most hotel employees have heard if not seen it all!! I now do all my hotel hookups in the late evening... plus there is something about S&M that needs to be done in the darkness of night.

 

Well, that also reminds me of the time I did schedule a late night hookup and since I like to be well prepared left all my gear arranged on the bed. I then went to dinner... In the meantime the hotel management sent a welcoming gift to the room... a bottle of sparkling water and a fruit plate... I wonder what the hotel employee thought when he saw all the "tools of the trade" laid out neatly on the bed.

 

Then there was the porn star that was filming the next day and was on diuretics (to make him look leaner) so he was constantly leaving me tied up somewhere (mostly on his bed) as he was continually running to the little boy's room to relieve himself. To his credit, he did try to time things so as to give me some breathing space between the more vigorous activities in which we were engaged.