Need Advice on Getting Uninhibited

[Guest WinsomeVic]

One of the things holding back my escort experiences is the fact that even after a few experiences, I'm still fairly inhibited.

 

I'm attracted to young, smooth, muscular guys and the fact is, even though I envision really enjoying my time with them, I'm a bit intimidated and feel self conscious and inept.

 

I'm a bottom and submissive by nature but the fact that I am holding myself back is cutting into the fun of my experience.

 

Any advice on how I can get over this. I don't drink and have tried 2 or 3 mixed drinks, and it helps but doesn't quite get me where I need to be.

 

Any counsel? Thanks, guys.

[Zapped]

One of the things holding back my escort experiences is the fact that even after a few experiences, I'm still fairly inhibited.

 

I'm attracted to young, smooth, muscular guys and the fact is, even though I envision really enjoying my time with them, I'm a bit intimidated and feel self conscious and inept.

 

I'm a bottom and submissive by nature but the fact that I am holding myself back is cutting into the fun of my experience.

 

Any advice on how I can get over this. I don't drink and have tried 2 or 3 mixed drinks, and it helps but doesn't quite get me where I need to be.

 

Any counsel? Thanks, guys.

 

For me, it's been a long process. I used to feel ashamed of my attraction to muscular young been and my desire to be dominated by them. I eventually came to understand that this fantasy/need developed in my teens, and that while it's a real sexual turn on, it doesn't carry over to the rest of my life. In other words, I used to believe that the feelings (in my case) of inferiority that are mixed in with one area my sexual attractions were the result of actual inferiority. Now I understand that I actually am not inferior, that I never was inferior, and all is well. I still can get tremendously aroused by going into this very erotic place in which I feel inferior--but it's just a temporary, during-sex thing. Now I can safely enjoy these feelings without shame; it's like acting. That's why we call it role play.

 

I read in a book that there's something called an "arousal imprint pattern." When I was 14-15, I was highly attracted to muscular guys my age who treated me as an inferior, called me faggot, etc. I felt inferior to them then, I envied them, and I was turned on by them. Voila! An arousal imprint pattern and I'm turned on by muscular young men (these days they need to be in their early 20s) and by being humiliated.

 

Additionally, it's not uncommon for guys in high-stress, high-responsibility jobs to really enjoy the release from the weight of responsibility that comes from being submissive in a sexual fantasy/encounter.

 

That's how I worked it out for myself.

 

In more practical terms, I found it very helpful (and really fun) to explore these fantasies with phone sex, especially with guys on http://www.niteflirt.com. it costs a little, but you can find skilled guys who will take total charge. (I find I can find tons of submissive bottoms in gay.com chat rooms, if I'm in a top mood, but finding a really good free phone top can take hours and hours and it's worth the $ to use a paid guy.)

 

And that's the other thing. Finding a sexual partner (on the phone or in real life) who will take charge really helps. If meeting an escort, tell him via email what your fantasy is. There are plenty of good escorts, well reviewed here, who are great at being dominant tops. A dominant top can supply the energy that helps you over the self-consciousness hump.

 

Coming back to the point I was trying to make by sharing my story, I think that perhaps you feel some conflict about having the fantasies you have, just as I did. It's really OK to relax and enjoy them.

[operalover21]

One of the things holding back my escort experiences is the fact that even after a few experiences, I'm still fairly inhibited.

 

I'm attracted to young, smooth, muscular guys and the fact is, even though I envision really enjoying my time with them, I'm a bit intimidated and feel self conscious and inept.

 

I'm a bottom and submissive by nature but the fact that I am holding myself back is cutting into the fun of my experience.

 

Any advice on how I can get over this. I don't drink and have tried 2 or 3 mixed drinks, and it helps but doesn't quite get me where I need to be.

 

Any counsel? Thanks, guys.

 

I think that this is not uncommon. I still have the same problem occasionally myself. I wish I knew what to do. I think of myself as confident, sometimes even agressive in my "regular" personal life. But get me in a room with a hot, young escort and I get all verbose, my mouth running a mile a minute, sometimes killing the mood and it takes me forever to get around to getting his clothes off. Even then, I'm not remotely agressive as I usually am.

 

Funny thing is that I've had young hot boyfriends and I don't have the same inhibitions with them. Why with an escort? You would think it would be easier but it isn't -- at least for me.

 

I've tried alchohol as well and that just makes me talk more.

 

I'll look forward to seeing what kind of advice and responses you get. Thank you for raising a subject that is not easy to bring up.

[Guest Merlin]

Watching porn will help. But the best thing is to hire the escort and count on the fact that when he shows up, smiles, gives you a hug and perhaps a kiss, at some point the hormones will kick in and the arousal will override any inhibitions. Get up close and personal as soon a possible. Some clients and perhaps escorts like to have a chat first and get to know each other, etc. I prefer to get physical asap. Spending time on the prliminary chatting etc may in fact be increasing you inhibition.

[justaguy]

I'm still fairly new at the hiring fame so I hear you on the intimidation factor. Try this: give up control. Of course, you've set the ground rules with the escort before hand; but once the session starts, you're all his. It's amzaing what kind of fun you can have when you don't feel any pressure to be anything.

[Guest novabear22031]

And that's the other thing. Finding a sexual partner (on the phone or in real life) who will take charge really helps. If meeting an escort, tell him via email what your fantasy is. There are plenty of good escorts, well reviewed here, who are great at being dominant tops. A dominant top can supply the energy that helps you over the self-consciousness hump.

 

Good advice there Zapped, even works for Top guys hiring a bottom guy as well. Some of my best experiences were when I laid out my fantasy and let the escort take charge.

[cmennow]

Lose Yourself In the Moment.....

 

I just had this conversation with my guy that see on a regular basis and similar to other comments that have been made, in my normal life I am in charge of everything. It's so nice to have someone take control and tell me what to do for a moment. I just let go of everything going on in my world and lose myself to a degree in that moment. It helps too that he is verbal in a sensual way and constantly whispering "commands". He's constantly telling me that there is no one in the room but us and that I can be who I want to be with him. (I need a fan LOL:p). I find myself not wanting to let go and get loose but I tell myself to go with during the experience. It is a mental thing for some of us. Finding the right person to bring that out of you is key though, so it helps when you have the right chemistry with the right person at the right time. You have to get to know this person on some level and have a sense of trust in them for the moment because you are exposing yourself in a way that you are not totally comfortable.

[Epigonos]

WinsomeVic you say that you are attracted to “young, smooth muscular guys. I’m not sure how you define “young” but you might want to consider looking for guys in their middle to late twenties who are smooth and muscular, who have been escorting for a couple of years. Experienced escorts have SEEN AND HEARD IT ALL. Try to relax knowing that if you are clean and pleasant you are a WINNER in the eyes of a good escort. There is really no need to be “intimidated and feel self conscious and inept”. I’m sixty-nine years old and look it. I also like young, smooth muscular guys and in order to play with these guys I hire. By using this site I have NEVER had a bad experience. You might also want to consider arranging to spend more than one hour with the guy you hire. I have found that lunch or dinner first creates a positive atmosphere for a couple of hours of sexual play later.

[+ purplekow]

Probably easiest to do this with an escort with whom you feel comfortable. Arrange for a role play in which you are exactly what you say you want to be. As soon as he walks in the room, demand that the escort strip down, or just walk up to him without saying anything and pull down his pants and start to suck him off. You say you want to be more uninhibited, then stop thinking and start doing. Check your brain at the door and let the little head do the thinking.

[justaguy]

"Arrange for a role play in which you are exactly what you say you want to be." PK--that sounds like an excellent approach. (I'll add it to the bathroom stall idea from a previous thread.) Thanks.

[whipped guy]

It's all normal...

 

Actually all the advice above has been excellent... and the bottom line is to somehow make yourself feel comfortable with whatever aspect of your sexuality turns you on the most... and by "comfortable" I also mean that you should not feel that it is abnormal or strange by any stretch of the imagination.

 

What did it for me was the time that I was doing some seemingly outlandish and (at the time to me bizarre) bit of action. I suddenly asked the escort in the middle of all of this nonsense, "Am I the only sick person out there who has you do this sort of thing?" He responded, and I might add without a bit of hesitation, "Absolutely not... You would be surprised at how many guys enjoy this sort of thing! Lots of guys! Shoot! Everybody is doing it!" Now for all I knew I was one of only a few clients that got into that sort of activity, but by making me feel so normal, ordinary and actually average, it really make me feel at ease and relaxed with a seemingly peculiar aspect of my sexuality. Incidentally this guy was an “older” escort in his thirties and a people person wise beyond his years… I thank him often for making me feeling as though I am just a regular guy... a regular guy physically, mentally, and emotionally... and in fact that my persona is simply a small slice of the normal order of things.

 

Now frankly I can’t even remember what we were doing at the time… proof that I no longer have any hang ups about it…

 

So relax... yes, it is easier said that done... but you'll get there... and enjoy!

[justaguy]

"You would be surprised at how many guys enjoy this sort of thing!"

 

You are so right. It just helps to know. I think that's one of the things that makes Daddy's valuable.

 

"this guy was an “older” escort in his thirties and a people person wise beyond his years"

 

Those are the guys that tend to give me the best experiences by far. Now that I've figured it out, I look for them.

[uwsman2]

the voice of experience

 

Lots of experienced guys have given good advice on this thread.

I started hiring more than 30 years ago, while in my 20s. I had a demanding full time job that did not leave me with lots of time to stay up late nights and on weekends cruising, and the gay bars of the time did not get busy, at least in NYC, until rather late at night. If you were not into the dangers of street cruising and the piers, the baths or the bars were the place to find hook-ups... But I did not have lots of time to play those games and decided to hire from time to time.

Since I was in my 20s, and the way to hire was small classified ads in the gay press where you more often than not were selecting based on a few economical lines of type and no pix, it was really a crap-shoot. But I had many great experiences.

The hardest part was always the anticipation - what would happen - and I was very nervous and insecure about my own sexual prowess, so I also found it difficult in the beginning to relax and go with the flow.

What I quickly found out was that there was as much, if not more, nervous anticipation on the other side of the equation. The escort knew less about me than I might know from that few lines of text and the short phone conversation the led to making the date. (No email back then, folks, no internet, no cell phones, just reading a few lines in a gay rag and a brief phone call in which nobody would be very specific because of fear of vice cops.) So he didn't know what he would be getting into, and neither did I.

The good times came from having been through a few of these encounters without any untoward incident, having discovered that both of us were relieved upon meeting face to face and discovering two decent guys, one eager to get some hot sex, the other eager to earn some needed cash by providing it.

Most escorts I've met seem to have understood that they are in a service industry where the name of the game is giving the client what he's hoping to get. Those that don't understand that don't last long in the business, because repeat business is what makes an escort's life most rewarding financially and least threatening psychologically. Of course I hired a deficient escort on occasion, but those were relatively few.

Go into it with a positive sense of expectation, treat your escort like the hot man and fellow human being that he is, don't feel cowed by the fact that he may be hotter and better endowed than you, the client, are-- because remember you are hiring him and he's putting himself at your service.

Enjoy!

[+ g56whiz]

(No email back then, folks, no internet, no cell phones, just reading a few lines in a gay rag and a brief phone call in which nobody would be very specific because of fear of vice cops.)

 

Yup! And them, folks, wuz the good ol' days!

 

Go into it with a positive sense of expectation, treat your escort like the hot man and fellow human being that he is, don't feel cowed by the fact that he may be hotter and better endowed than you, the client, are-- because remember you are hiring him and he's putting himself at your service.

 

Once again, my neighbor, uwsman2 has gotten to the crux of the situation.

 

Would that I were as prolific employer as he, but the fewer really good escorts I HAVE hired are not only sexual athletes of the highest caliber (and sensualists as well) but they are really interested and curious about other people also. With their looks and talent, they are readily capable of fulfilling their sexual needs without without escorting. But they cannot fulfill their curiosity with the same ol' fuckbuddy each time. In that strange way, they need you (and your money it must be said) as much you need them. So relax and enjoy what you've paid for.

[Guest novabear22031]

Actually all the advice above has been excellent... and the bottom line is to somehow make yourself feel comfortable with whatever aspect of your sexuality turns you on the most... and by "comfortable" I also mean that you should not feel that it is abnormal or strange by any stretch of the imagination.

 

What did it for me was the time that I was doing some seemingly outlandish and (at the time to me bizarre) bit of action. I suddenly asked the escort in the middle of all of this nonsense, "Am I the only sick person out there who has you do this sort of thing?" He responded, and I might add without a bit of hesitation, "Absolutely not... You would be surprised at how many guys enjoy this sort of thing! Lots of guys! Shoot! Everybody is doing it!" Now for all I knew I was one of only a few clients that got into that sort of activity, but by making me feel so normal, ordinary and actually average, it really make me feel at ease and relaxed with a seemingly peculiar aspect of my sexuality. Incidentally this guy was an “older” escort in his thirties and a people person wise beyond his years… I thank him often for making me feeling as though I am just a regular guy... a regular guy physically, mentally, and emotionally... and in fact that my persona is simply a small slice of the normal order of things.

 

Now frankly I can’t even remember what we were doing at the time… proof that I no longer have any hang ups about it…

 

So relax... yes, it is easier said that done... but you'll get there... and enjoy!

 

Being honest WILL lead to a better time for sure!

 

One of the guys I was with in SF a few years back was so willing to indulge in my fantasy/role play - that he wore a particular shirt that was part of the website pics he had! It was a pic that made me melt! LOL

 

He was my second guy... learned from not stating what I was really looking for in the first one - though the first I had a great time with Though not what I expected. LOL But still VERY good

 

One key thing I will say is not to accept anything less than what you really want to happen. Some guys are just are not into what you want. Which is OK - not every meet up is always about the fantasy - sometimes you end up with a good time and a new friend. If you are up for that then go for it.... if not look for someone that is willing to work with you....

[whipped guy]

The other side of the equation...

 

...the bottom line is to somehow make yourself feel comfortable with whatever aspect of your sexuality turns you on the most... and by "comfortable" I also mean that you should not feel that it is abnormal or strange by any stretch of the imagination.

I really feel the need to expand on the above statement and do so as it relates to the opposite side of the coin. There are also certain "acts" of which certain individuals might not enjoy or feel comfortable partaking. Again this can make one feel not only abnormal, but also on occasion feel a sense of being inadequate and lacking in certain sexual skills or even sexual drive. If you don’t enjoy doing something why the heck should you be made to think it is something that you have to do in order to feel completely satisfied sexually? Nothing can be further from reality. For example, I think many of us would be amazed at the number of guys who hire simply to cuddle, get touchy feely, and then go for the happy ending. If this is what floats your boat then go for it without feeling inadequate or guilty. I am sure that a lot of us here do crazy things, but I am also sure that a large number don’t partake in certain activities that they feel are a bit edgy or over the top… or for that matter many don't partake in many activities that are considered mainstream as well. I am sure if you asked a typical working guy, “Am I the only one who does not do whatever”, I am quite confident that the honest and straightforward response would be, “No, definitely not! Not everyone is into that… in fact a lot of guys are not into that”

 

So the bottom line again boils down to feeling comfortable with all aspects of one’s sexuality and that goes for the whole gamut of sexuality as it relates to any activity or interest from the simplest fat-free vanilla to the wildest kink imaginable… and that includes not only what one is comfortable doing, but also that which one does not take pleasure in doing.

[Guest WinsomeVic]

WinsomeVic you say that you are attracted to “young, smooth muscular guys. I’m not sure how you define “young” but you might want to consider looking for guys in their middle to late twenties who are smooth and muscular, who have been escorting for a couple of years. Experienced escorts have SEEN AND HEARD IT ALL.

 

That's exactly my taste and what I meant when I wrote 'young.'

[+ Shoreboy]

I have not hired a lot but when I do I found that being honest with myself and honest with my potential escort always works out best.

 

Working in a high powered job whereby I have to make all of the decisions and take all of the flock and or credit that comes from those decisions, when I am naked I love making no decisions.

 

I have found that role playing for me is the best outlet. I will watch a DVD and see a scene that really turns me on and then find an escort who is also in that scene and can play it and make it even hotter. You have to realize that if you watch a DVD scene that turns you on it usually never requires academy awarding winning acting skills.

 

Some escorts are into role playing and some are not....you will come to see who is and who isn't.

 

Once I have found an escort that thinks my scenario is "hot" then I proceed to spell it out in detail in an email and tell him to add his own touches. In fact I have also found that within the context of a role playing scene I love to give an escort options so I will not know exactly what is going to happen next.

 

Behind closed doors I love being dominated, told what to do and then basically turn off the brain and turn on my other parts.

 

I know what I enjoy and we all should never feel bad about what we like...tastes are as varied as people and in this realm I believe there is no right or wrong.

 

Be honest, find what you like, find someone who can fulfill your desires and run with it....life is too short to make yourself fit into anothers norms.

[NYTomcat]

Just coming to my own grips with some of these issues, I must admit that returning to an escort for second and third rounds seems to help. with each encounter the ecort knows you better and can build on that knowledge. In addition you get more comfortable they are not a stranger, have already seen at least part of what interests you, and they came back for more. I know my next encounter will be far more... well more.

[justaguy]

I'm still in the honeymoon phase of hiring and have just started the "...well more" part. In some ways it's like being in my 20s again, only saner. Yes, I'm nervous, but that's more than made up for by the excitement.

[NYTomcat]

"well more..."

 

I'm still in the honeymoon phase of hiring and have just started the "...well more" part. In some ways it's like being in my 20s again, only saner. Yes, I'm nervous, but that's more than made up for by the excitement.

 

I know isnt that the best. the anticipation building to just how far the "well more" is going to go. Not knowing just how far you will "well more..."

[+ Charlie]

Inhibitions are not always a bad thing. You say you tend to be submissive, but you are not specific about what you feel that you would like to do but are inhibited from doing. Perhaps some part of your reasoning brain (as opposed to your emotional desires) is telling you that you would not actually enjoy what you are fantasizing about, or would regret it after the indulgence. Simply doing whatever someone else wants because you desire to submit to him is not wise unless you really know and trust him, not just because he fits an image of someone you find desirable. Whatever it is you would like to be uninhibited enough to do, you should choose an escort with good reviews, then discuss your desires--and his!--with him beforehand, and be sure you feel comfortable that you trust him to do what is best for YOU.

[NYTomcat]

Inhibitions are not always a bad thing. You say you tend to be submissive, but you are not specific about what you feel that you would like to do but are inhibited from doing. Perhaps some part of your reasoning brain (as opposed to your emotional desires) is telling you that you would not actually enjoy what you are fantasizing about, or would regret it after the indulgence. Simply doing whatever someone else wants because you desire to submit to him is not wise unless you really know and trust him, not just because he fits an image of someone you find desirable. Whatever it is you would like to be uninhibited enough to do, you should choose an escort with good reviews, then discuss your desires--and his!--with him beforehand, and be sure you feel comfortable that you trust him to do what is best for YOU.

 

I could not agree more. In fact thats what I meant when I posted that multiple meetings with the same guy can let your comfort level grow. There are many inhibitions that should not be let down immediately, the comfort grows with time and experience, at least for me.

[bobchitown]

Coming to this thread a little late, much has already been said that I would have. Let me just add a couple thoughts.

 

As always, my advise for early experiences is to seek out someone with a fair amount of experience and who's reviews speak of things like "he was able to sense my mood and adapt to it" or "he took control and the next thing I remember was seeing angels." You want someone who will sweep you off your feet and fully engage with you. Even if you're really into twinks, save them for when you're more experienced.

 

My first time hiring I was so nervous that I think the guy probably thought I was a cop. We just didn't click and he actually had a difficult time staying hard - I'm sure in response to my state of mind. We "got the job done", but I can't say it was a perfectly enjoyable experience for either of us.

 

For my second encounter I chose more carefully, and found someone who was reviewed along the lines I quoted above. We met in the hotel lobby, and while we were still in the elevator he had his tongue down my throat. We barely made it to the room still clothed, and the next couple hours were nothing but total pleasure. The main difference for me? I arrived knowing a little bit about where the guy's head was at and was equipped to just go with the flow.

 

I took a queue from that encounter, and to this day when someone asks me what I'd like to do, I answer in general terms but also so "please take the lead and let's just 'go with the flow'". While some encounters have been better than others, I haven't had a single bad experience since.

 

The final piece of advise is that if you continue to hire you should find a couple regulars and stick with them. There is nothing like walking into a situation and picking up where you left off the last time.

 

Oh - one more. Let the guy know that you haven't done this much and that you'll probably be nervous - anyone who is well reviewed will be able to deal with that. If you have particular issues - too old, too fat, too hairy, not hung, whatever, try to shrug it off and be who you are. I suspect that most escorts will have seen and dealt with far worse.

[+ purplekow]

If you have particular issues - too old, too fat, too hairy, not hung, whatever, try to shrug it off and be who you are. I suspect that most escorts will have seen and dealt with far worse.

 

Bob, fortunately for me, I have never had an encounter with an escort who was rude enough to mention that I was too old, too fat, too hairy, not hung or whatever, since I am all those things. This has indeed allowed me to continue to have fun and enjoy my time with beautiful men who are none of those things.