Fin Fang Foom's Triumphant Return To The Gaiety

[Fin Fang Foom]

Not since Caesar's return to Rome after the Germanic wars of 55 BC has the world seen a display of affection like the one I received as I entered The Gaiety after over a year. Men cheered, women wept, children were thrust upon me for my blessing and, basically, everyone made fools of themselves. If I had a heart, I'm sure it would have been touched.

 

As usual, I was accompanied by my friend Mo (short for ho-MO). We worked our way to our seats of honor, plunked our tired asses into the uncomfortable seats and prepared ourselves to be bathed in the beauty that would soon be parading itself across the stage of our local seedy strip joint.

 

Before I begin verbally tearing the lads limb from limb, let me remind you that the stats I give for height are my estimations from when they passed me in the "lounge". The cock sizes are REAL INCHES and not the usual "let me add two inches and that's how big my cock is" approach to cock size. I was at the edge of the stage so I was easily able to "measure" the accessories. Also, I want to make a couple of observations before beginning 1) I have never been so bored by a group of men in my life. There was more energy coming from the front row at the foot of the stage than ON the stage - and that's saying something since the majority of the men occupying that row, by my estimate, died about eight weeks ago and no one has come to claim the bodies. And 2) of the twelve guys last night, I would say at least seven are on the exact steroid cycle. I have never seen such a puffy group of men at The Gaiety before.

 

So, since many of you are nearly wetting your pants in anticipation, I will end the suspense and commence.

 

1. MATTEO

Height: 5'8"

Hair: Short wavy dark blond-ish

Cock: 7" uncut

He came out in a tight black t-shirt and black pants. His dancing amounted to alot of stepping from side to side to the beat. At The Gaiety last night, this dancing "style" seemed to be the order of the night since many of the guys elected to use it. I don't know if he's a fan of Brittney but he liked lip-synching to the song. He has a left nipple ring and a tattoo on each arm. After thoroughly boring us with his opening routine he came out for the second song naked and hard. Many ooo's emanated from the crowd because his cock looked so large. However, when you're short, seven inches looks huge. His pubes were basically gone. Along with the steroid use, pubes, or the lack thereof, were another common theme of the evening. Even naked, Matteo continued to bore us with his VERY slow dance. The only "highlight" was when he got on his knees and started playing with his foreskin - finally he was engaged in SOMETHING. He had an odd technique for taking his tips: he'd "grab" the tip with his toe and then jerk if back with his foot - sort of like a dog kicking the dirt behind him after taking a shit.

 

2. JASON ADONIS (not his real name)

Height: 6'2"

Hair: Dark brown

Cock: 6.5"

He wore a Diesel Resort t-shirt (product placement?) and jeans. More boredom from the stage. I'm sure Jason has done this "dance" a thousand times before and it shows. He was totally on automatic: let me pull my shirt off, let me rub my chest, let me pull my pants down in the back and show my ass, let me wink at the guy in the third row on the left, let me pull off my pants, let me get the hell off this stage. He came back with a boner pointing to the ceiling and, he gets points for this, no cockring. Oh yeah, cockrings were another of the evening's themes. He had no pubes and the initials "MSW" were tattooed right above the base of his cock. Anyone got the 411 on THAT? He's also big but puffy (more steroids, I'm sure he says he's natural - NOT!) and he's got small balls. His lower back has a scar from back surgery. He got on his knees and stoked his cock, which is always a crowd pleaser. He also kindly approached Irene Ryan's brother in the front row at the foot of the stage and swung his cock for him. Jason received a toothless grin in appreciation.

 

3. MICHAEL

Height: 5'8"

Hair: Forgot to write it down

Cock: 5"

This guy looks like he could be Matteo's brother and they share the same choreographer. He wore jeans and a tight shirt that had a zipper at the throat. His shtick was showing his ass - ALOT. For those of us who were able to keep ourselves awake during the first half of his performance (to keep from nodding off, I had to keep stabbing my palm with my pen), he came out for the second half naked, of course, but instead of a cockring, he has what looked like a green Hello Kitty cigar band at the base of the shaft. I kept leaning over Mo to see what the hell it was he had his cock tied with but I couldn't ever get a really good look. He has a smooth PUFFY body and a hint of pubes. He continued with his ass theme and bored the audience into a coma. He probably was the most bored "dancer" of the evening.

 

4. TOMMY

Height: 5'8"

Hair: Light brown

Cock: 6"

A&F pants and a tight grey shirt. Gold chain. Clunky shoes. Tattoo on each arm and a Chinese symbol on his left pec. More steroids. He was channeling Marky Mark, however, I wasn't getting a "good vibra-shu-UN". His "dancing" in both segments was him doing, what I call, The Snake. That's when a guy moves his shoulders out and then makes an imaginary wave run down through his abs, ending with his pelvis being thrust out and his shoulders way back to the point of him leaning so far back that the guys in the front row could easily tip him over with their canes. He came back for the second half with his thick cock cockringed within an inch of its life. He also has a smooth body and almost no pubes. His cock was so choked that it stayed plump, but not hard, the entire time. (That HAS to hurt.) Small balls. He continued to snake his way through the second half and then snake himself off the stage. I hope he has a good chiropractor.

 

5. ALEX

Height: 6'

Hair: Blond

Cock: 5.5" (This was NOT a night for size queens)

Sleeveless NY shirt and jeans. The most handsome guy of the evening, although, most of the guys weren't particular beauties. I say he's around 32, Mo says 27. He has a very pretty body. Big, but not as puffy - he obviously has more experience with steroid cycles. He seems very nice and actually had a semblance of a personality on stage so I didn't really write anything down about his "performance". He's very pretty naked, although, because of his height, his cock looks really small (and he does have small balls) so he's slightly "out of balance". Oh well, the Lord giveth, and the lord taketh away.

 

6. CHRISTOPHER (the name of Joan Crawford's adopted son who got nothing in the will)

Height: 5'7"

Hair: Blond

Cock: 5" (I'm being generous)

Tight blue t-shirt and light-colored jeans. He can actually dance and even made an effort to do so. Mo said is you put him in a yellow shirt and green shorts he'd look like Aquaman. I agree. Nice face, no chin. For the "Naked Dance" his cock was tied at the base of the shaft, had no pubes, and his balls were extremely tight and high on his body. He has probably the prettiest upper body of the evening but he needs to stop working his chest three times a week and throw in a leg routine - bad legs. Nice ass though. Sadly, he has no stage personality - totally blank.

 

7. JAMES

Height: 5'9"

Hair: Black

Cock: 6.5"

Blue shirt, black pants and sunglasses which he wore the entire first half. Mo says he looks like Angelina Jolie's brother - not the one she kissed at the Oscars but if she had a brother who looked like her. He had energy when he danced but made the mistake of pulling his ass out of his pants while he did so - his ass isn't nearly as tight as the rest of his body so his groove thing shook just a little too much for its own good. Naked he's very lean (no roids for a change) and his cock looks longer than it actually is. He has one of those cocks that starts thick at the base and then tapers to the head and then suddenly there this big head at the end. Not especially pretty. He had a Hitler mustache for pubes. Why do guys do that?

 

8. STEVEN

Height: 5'9" (Where are all the tall guys?)

Hair: Dirty blond

Cock: 6.5"

Blue shirt and jeans. The opening of his routine was slightly bizarre. He walked out from the back of the stage and just marched himself out to the middle of the runway as though he were about to announce there would be a fire drill and would everyone please slowly move to the exits clearly marked in the rear. He stopped and then began to do this jerking sort of dance where he would move only to the downbeat of each measure of music. It's very hard to describe (as you can tell). I kept thinking: this is how people on drugs dance when they're alone in their apartments and the ludes have kicked in and they think what they're doing is so brilliant that if they can remember what they're doing the next morning, they would be hailed as the new Martha Graham. Or something like that. He marched out naked for the second half and reprised the dance that was such a winner with the audience the first time around. He looks like he just got out of the service. He wasn't so much puffy as thick (especially in the middle - watch the brewskies!). As one would expect, his cock was trussed up like everyone else's and it managed to stay plump the entire time. Big balls. He was in his own world the entire time and I would just as soon let him stay there.

 

9. MARC (he's probably Canadian so let's spell it with a "c")

Height: 5'9"

Hair: Dark brown

Cock: 6"

White dress shirt and blue jeans. Another Brittney wannabe. Energetic dance. Cute in a regular guy sort of way. He's the guy you'd want for your boyfriend - cute but not so cute that everyone and his sister is trying to pick him up. Although I'm sure Marc isn't his name, he looks like a Mark (with a "k"). For the naked half of the performance he came out hard but immediately deflated (might it have something to do with being faced with the totems in the front row?). Kinda big balls (me likee). A cute and meaty ass. Sadly, pimples on his back - more steroids. Sigh. He has a hairy chest and stomach but buzzes it down. Tattoo above his ass. Something tells me he's a pig in bed.

 

10. MIKE

Height: 6'

Hair: Black

Cock: 6.5"

Jean jacket (does anyone even own one of these anymore), jeans and white shirt. Mike Mike Mike. Where to begin.........watching him reminds me of that exercise that's done with first graders where you have four pictures and one of the things doesn't belong in the group. Mike is the lemon amongst the three flowers. He's actually attractive but his looks will be gone in less than ten years so he'd better save all his current pictures because no one will believe he wasn't always a scary, fat old queen. Mike wins the Big Lady Award for 2004. His dancing, if you can call it that, went something like this: he stands in one place, throws his head back, rubs his body while doing something with his tongue that involves sticking it out and rolling it from side to side. At times I thought he was having a seizure of some sort, he was going to fall to the floor, we'd all rush the stage, someone would hold him down and I would stick one of the dancer's coke spoons into his mouth to keep him from swallowing his tongue. Oh yeah, AND he wore sunglasses. For the "naked dance" he wasn't especially hard, he's soft around the middle (and pretty much everywhere else for that matter), has a most unattractive scar where his six-pack should be, no pubes, a cockring sorta thing-ish, pretty dick, nice balls. At one point he got on his back and started thrusting his hips into the hair, showing us his shaved hole (a bottom maybe?). You just know he's one of those bottoms who keeps his eyes closed the entire time and makes a high-pitched whining noise as you're fucking him. Someone should have done all of us, and HIM, a favor by climbing up onto the stage and clubbing him to death like a baby seal. (Please, no rants about gay bashing. It's a J-O-K-E)

 

11. SEBASTIAN

Height: 5'10"

Hair: Black-ish

Cock: 7" uncut

A&F t-shirt and jeans. Spikey hair. Three Chinese symbols on his left oblique. Beefy with six-pack. I "reviewed" Sebastian about two years ago. The guy sitting next to me must be a big fan (Mo had fled earlier - he was bored out of his skull) because at the end of the first "dance" he threw his hands in the air and applauded - were we watching the same "performance"? For the nude portion of his performance, he came out with his cock pointing straight up but it immediately came right down. No ass. He's done this for at least two years and it shows. Memo to Sebastian: It's time to get a life.

 

12. YANNICK (which sounded like Eric over the PA)

Height: 6'

Hair: Dark brown

Cock: 7.5" uncut

This is the "dancer" I was most intrigued by. Whereas most of the other guys look like they came out of the same factory he didn't look like the rest. I looked up one of his old reviews by someone else and they thought he looked "horsey". He has a long face (but not like John Kerry), an aquiline nose and his hair is parted in the middle - something you don't see much of these days. He wore a sleeveless shirt and jeans. He barely spent any time on the first song. He may have been on stage maybe two minutes, which frankly, is fine by me. He came back with the longest and fattest dick of the evening. Medium balls, trimmed pubes. He didn't give a riveting performance but he was nice to look at and seemed pleasant enough. I'd do him. By the way, in an earlier review someone mention "Yannick" was in a porn video. Were they referring to THIS Yannick or another one? And if it is this Yannick, what's the name of the video?

 

That's it ladies. Gotta run. Things to do, places to go and people to see.

 

Gaily yours,

 

FFF

[Traveller]

Very good. Loved the Irene Ryan reference. I've ordered body bags for your chums in the front row, the new zip-lock variety. One question. Why? Again. Why? One more time. Why?

 

Later.

 

PS. MSW is Mountain States Wanker.

[+ Hoover42]

Well done. It's nice to read a review that doesn't fawn over every dancer.

[nycpaul]

Such a great review, Fin! Humorous and so honest at the same time. I agee that it is refreshing to have a review that is not so fawning and that doesn't take itself so seriously.

As for Yannick,I think you have diminished his dick size by at least 2 inches. You are correct in stating that he is distinctive and amiable and worthy of a private visit. I don't believe he ever has appeared in a porn video.

I hope that your return is permanent and that we can expect other reviews from you in the future.

[Pelican1]

While I do appreciate the other reviews posted on this site, FFF's was extremely entertaining. I appreciated the sense of humor, and the honesty. Everybody has different tastes, of course, and I disagreed with you on many of the guys (For example, while I like Alex, I don't think he's the hottest guy of the night. And I loved Steven, not for the dancing, but his body was perfect for my taste, and his cock and balls were beautiful. I didn't think he was at all chunky in the middle either). but that's not my point, really. I loved your review all the more for its candidness, even if I disagreed with it.

 

p.s. I really can't stand having all those women at the shows, as there were on Saturday night. All of my fanstasies about the dancers vanished into thin air as I watched several of them behave like stupid straight college-type boys (which they probably are, in most cases?) in front of the two attractive women in the lounge, practically ignoring all of the men, and then Matteo even walked out into the theater several times during the show to eye the women again. I guess I should remember that these guys are PERFORMING and trying to make some money off of us, but still, seeing them act the way they did in front of the women last night annoyed me because it confirmed for me that many of those guys could give a shit about the gay patrons in the theater -- they are just there to make some cash and hang out with the other dancers. I should say that this is NOT always my experience at the Gaiety, but it certainly rang true last night.

[basket]

Funny review. But what about the women? Did you see them as a problem too?

[Fin Fang Foom]

>Funny review. But what about the women? Did you see them as a

>problem too?

 

First of all, the place was PACKED - who tipped everyone off that I was going to be there?

 

And second, I didn't see any women. I was there for the 9:15 show.

 

Presently yours,

 

FFF

[Fin Fang Foom]

>As for Yannick,I think you have diminished his dick size by

>at least 2 inches.

 

Nope, take out a tape measure and look at 7.5" - that's a REALLY big dick. We're programmed to think 7" is really 9" and it's not.

 

Incrementally yours,

 

FFF

[tazmanian5230]

Iam not sure if your eye sight was blurry or maybe your medications were not working properly, Last nights show along and all of the dancers along with most of the Gaiety shows are well done and have some of the hottest looking guys around.

 

Have you seen any of the strippers in other NYC clubs?

It would seem that since you havent been to the Gaiety in over a year you are not such a fan of the club. (which is reflected in your review) It might have been funny but not a very accurate review of the dancers.

 

I dont remember hearing any cheers for your arrival, but I would stand up and cheer knowing your gone......

If you dont like the place go somewhere else.....The dancers and Denise work hard to entertain some of us that do enjoy the show.

 

Where is the wolf when we need him ? ? ?

[Fin Fang Foom]

>Iam not sure if your eye sight was blurry or maybe your

>medications were not working properly, Last nights show along

>and all of the dancers along with most of the Gaiety shows are

>well done and have some of the hottest looking guys around.

>

>Have you seen any of the strippers in other NYC clubs?

>It would seem that since you havent been to the Gaiety in over

>a year you are not such a fan of the club. (which is reflected

>in your review) It might have been funny but not a very

>accurate review of the dancers.

>

>I dont remember hearing any cheers for your arrival, but I

>would stand up and cheer knowing your gone......

>If you dont like the place go somewhere else.....The dancers

>and Denise work hard to entertain some of us that do enjoy the

>show.

 

 

Someone had a very unhappy childhood.

 

Sympathetically yours,

 

FFF

[+ glutes]

Well 3F, I thought your review was right on. (Alex was the best of the bunch)

Look forward to more of your tasteful reviews!

[catnip]

That is a hilarious read - thanks FFF. Why don't you take on the Wednesday night strip contest at LeFleur's? Please?

[Fin Fang Foom]

>Why don't you take on

>the Wednesday night strip contest at LeFleur's?

 

Even I'm not THAT cruel.

 

Plus, it would make Mr. Stick Up His Ass even more cranky than he already is.

 

Considerately yours,

 

FFF

[Pelican1]

You make me smile, FFF. Thank you.

[Rich3940]

I appreciate the timely and detailed reviews posted each week, the time and effort applied to them makes reading this site essential......but these trenchant observations are so spot-on, I laughed out loud as I read it.

 

Fin Fang Foom, I thought nothing could be funnier than your NYC Rentboy Hall of Shame, but really, this is a classic. Please let me know when you are going to the Gaiety next. I would love to hear your observations directly...

 

I'll even treat you to pretzals and punch.

[BgMstr4u]

Thanks, FFF, for a wonderful review. I love the Gaiety. Really, it's the only place like it anywhere. And I love the boys, dancers, walkers and automatons alike, almost all of them, almost all of the time, but then I'm a simple boy and easily entertained. And it IS true that sometimes there's more energy coming from the elephants' graveyard in the front row than from the stage.

 

Thanks for the laughs! There have been times when I thought that the whole thing was so elegantly absurd, I wanted to laugh out loud for joy that such a marvelously strange experience could be taken so seriously by so many, including boys, patrons, management, Sikh purity patrol, myself of course, and even the cat. I sometimes just get the giggles and have to stifle, or I'm afraid the whole thing will come tumbling down.

 

Thanks!

[+ glutes]

>Thanks for the laughs! There have been times when I thought

>that the whole thing was so elegantly absurd, I wanted to

>laugh out loud for joy that such a marvelously strange

>experience could be taken so seriously by so many, including

>boys, patrons, management, Sikh purity patrol, myself of

>course, and even the cat.

 

What about the tinsel drapes?