Gut-splitting!!! :-)

[Guest ncm2169]

This is just too good not to share here. Lookin (who's a member here too) posted this on the other site. I haven't split a gut so hard in years!! }( }( }( Herewith, with thanks and gratitude to the immense creativity of "lookin":

 

Sample Escort Service and Rate Card

 

Showing up services:

1. Arriving on time - $25

2. Arriving up to fifteen minutes late - $15

3. Arriving up to thirty minutes late - $10

4. Arriving up to an hour late - $5

5. Not showing up - no charge

 

Preparation services:

1. Binaca - $3 per spritz

2. Tan line - $75

3. Colon cleansing - $50

4. Flavored colon cleansing - $65

5. Gym smell - $55

6. Stubble - $35 per day

7. Shaved chest - $25

8. Manicure - $50

9. Pedicure - $50 (no polish)

 

Greeting services:

1. Knock - no charge for first three raps

2. Smile - $5

3. Friendly smile - $15

4. Handshake - $10

5. Hug - private - $25

6. Hug - public - $45

7. Kiss - closed mouth - $35

8. Kiss - open mouth - $55

9. Kiss - with tongue (3 inches max) - $75

 

Disrobing services:

1. I take my clothes off - $25

2. You take my clothes off - $45

3. I take your clothes off - $55

4. You take your clothes off - no charge

5. No one takes their clothes off - rebate of $25

 

Touching services:

1. I touch you/you touch me - except groin/butt - $5 per touch

2. I touch you/you touch me - groin/butt - $15 per touch

3. Frottage - $10 per minute

4. Playing footsie in restaurant/theater - $25 per foot

 

Social/companionship services:

1. You take me somewhere nice - $200 per hour

2. You take me somewhere tacky - $400 per hour

3. You introduce me as your boyfriend - $150 per person

4. I introduce you as my boyfriend - $350 per person

5. I laugh at your jokes - $10 per chuckle, $15 if I slap my knee

6. I cut your food for you - $150 per meal

7. We attend your high school reunion/company retirement party - $1500

8. I meet your parents - $2000

9. You meet my parents - BMW 7-series, plus three years of family therapy

 

Ego services:

1. I tell you how great you are - $10 per compliment

2. You tell me how great you are, and I agree with you - see above

3. You tell me how great I am - no charge

4. I tell you how great I am, and you agree with me - see above

 

Fellatio services:

1. You fellate me - $5 per minute - 10 minute minimum

2. I fellate you - $10 per minute - 10 minute maximum

3. We fellate each other - $20 per minute

(add five dollars per minute to above rates if I keep my eyes open)

 

Rimming services:

1. You rim me - $5 per minute - 10 minute minimum

2. I rim you - feh!


 

Fornication services:

1. I top you - $15 per minute, plus supplies

2. You top me - $25 per minute, plus supplies

(add five dollars per minute to above rates if either one of us grunts)

 

Ejaculation services:

1. I come - $200 per load

2. I come across the room - $200 per load, plus $10 per foot

3. You come - $150 per load

4. You come across the room - ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

 

Fetish services:

1. I piss on you - natural - $10 per fluid ounce

2. I piss on you - flavored - $15 per fluid ounce

3. You piss on me - in your dreams!

4. I degrade you - $5 per minute - no charge for first hour

5. You degrade me - you gotta be kidding!

6. Wrestling - sorry, it musses my hair

7. Farting - $10 per poot - free on Thanksgiving and Cinco de Mayo

8. Role playing - dominant - no charge

9. Role playing - submissive - yeah, right!

 

note: Other personal gentlemen's services may be requested and considered; however, in the event that you suggest something that grosses me out, there will be a $50 fee for each such occurrence.

[Guest ncm2169]

My fave is:

 

9. You meet my parents - BMW 7-series, plus three years of family therapy

 

ROFLMFAO - OVER AND OVER!!!!!!!}( }( }(

[+ Lucky]

I agree that it is a super post, very funny and as I stated over at MER it should go in the message center Hall of Fame.

 

That said, isn't it up to lookin to decide where it gets posted?

[lucky13000]

""That said, isn't it up to lookin to decide where it gets posted?"""

 

You are so politically correct all the time......not that there's anything wrong with that.(sein-language)

 

But in any case, wasn't this laundry list posted here already earlier?

[Lookin]

Well thanks, guys! :+ It turns out I did post this yesterday in Unicorn's thread about “rate varies” in The Lounge. But there are so many good posts over here that stuff drifts to the bottom pretty quickly.

 

(Not sure if that’s the right emoticon above. I was trying for a “blush”, but it looks a little like W. C. Fields after a night out with the boys.)

[Guest ncm2169]

Well, just like we all can't be everywhere to savor all the posts, this post by Lookin can't be repeated often enough. }(

[Steven_Draker]

That's witty! Lookin: you have a hidden talent!

 

Steven Draker ~

[a href=http://www.hotsexystud.com/uk]website[/a] [a href=http://www.daddysreviews.com/review.php?who=steven_draker_brussels]reviews[/a]

http://www.aidslifecycle.org/1554

[Louis]

Now I am wondering if there can be combination discounts. For example I used to see and escort that would greet me at the door of his apartment, he would kiss me, hug me with one arm, and touch my goods with the free hand. This was all done at the same time.

So Lookin, would I have been entitled to a discount?...:-)

[Guest zipperzone]

>My fave is:

>

>9. You meet my parents - BMW 7-series, plus three years of

>family therapy

>

>ROFLMFAO - OVER AND OVER!!!!!!!}( }( }(

 

The one that did it for me was number 6:

 

"I cut your food for you - $15o per meal"

[Happy]

Would someone please tell me what the "other" site is? MER??

[+ Lucky]

lucky 13000, look at it this way. You get lucky 13000 times, I get Lucky once, so I have to try to be correct!

[+ Lucky]

To get to MER, you have to go down the yellow brick road to a land ruled by OZ. So far still sparsely populated, but with over 100,000 aspiring posters, they are the home of many guys who don't post here.

So, if you want to be a well-rounded message board reader, get your tin man suit and go to http://www.maleescortreview.com. Tell them Lucky sent you!

[Lookin]

> Now I am wondering if there can be combination discounts. For example I used to see and escort that would greet me at the door of his apartment, he would kiss me, hug me with one arm, and touch my goods with the free hand. This was all done at the same time.

So Lookin, would I have been entitled to a discount?..

 

> Louis

 

Well, Louis, if he was smiling while he had his hand on your package, I would guess you got a Free Ride that day. Or at least a discount on the Dismount.

 

Steven would probably be the guy to ask, although this might not be the best time, what with the exchange rate and all. Of course the Canadian dollar isn't doing too shabby either! :-)

[Guest ncm2169]

< Or at least a discount on the Dismount.

 

Jeez, Lookin, you just keep 'em coming!! }( }( }(

[MIKEY08]

Reminds me of a song that I once heard, with a lyric in it that goes like this: "If I can't sell it, I am gonna sit on it, why should I just give it away."

 

Anyway, after reading this, I wonder if I am undercharging? LOL

 

Ohhhh myyyy!! Seriously, all take note: This one here never charges for smiling, not ever. In fact, I often smile; and am told that I have a nice smile, nice teeth.

 

MIKEY

[Guest ncm2169]

< If I can't sell it, I am gonna sit on it, why should I just give it away."

 

From Alice's Restaurant by Arlo Guthrie, I'm guessin??? }( }( }(

[MIKEY08]

http://www.hotlyrics.net/lyrics/R/Ruth_Brown/If_I_Can_t_Sell_It__I_ll_Sit_On_It.html

 

Mikey

[ariadne1880]

Thanks for the fantastic laugh!

 

I especially like ...

 

"Wrestling ... sorry, it musses my hair."

 

I cannot tell you how many escorts -- these big, muscular, hunky guys -- who have turned down my request for mild wrestling. And I'm middle-aged and out of shape.

 

I always wonder what is wrong with these little wusses.

 

Mark