Married With Children ....... How the Hell Do You Do IT.....

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

RE: Further questions

 

:-)

[Guest allansmith63]

RE: Further questions

 

>But consider this. I am a married late 50's guy with

>grown children who just a year ago started

>experimenting, via the escort route, with an aspect

>of myself I kept firmly under control heretofore by

>staying busy with family and overwork. I thought my early

>retirement would be a time of relaxation, but it has

>proved to be anything but......thanks to my discovery of M4M.

>

>Long story short, my new "hobby" was soon discovered by my

>wife of 28 years, and we've been keeping the therapists

>in this neck of the woods busy ever since.

>

>Of course, this begs the question.........do I come out

>completely NOW? At this stage of my life? I think

>allansmith made his commitment at the fail-safe

>point (I'm guessing early 40's) but what chances

>for happiness do us older guys have, plunging

>into a world where we get the sex part, but as for

>the culture we might as well commit ourselves to

>a jungle tribe in New Guinea.

>

>Any further thoughts on this question?

>

Hi Spiro3 - I hear your point, and I've heard it from a number of men in their 50's and 60's.

 

When I told my wife I was gay and was leaving the marriage, I knew that my relationship with Matt wasn't going to go anywhere, much as I wanted it to. I knew I was going to be alone, and had no idea how long it would be (if ever) before I found a partner. I knew I faced aching loneliness once I was on my own. I knew that my oldest daughter would have nothing to do with me. I suspected that I would become a non-entity to my family. (I was right, and that's because I left my wife, they don't even know I'm gay yet.) I knew that all of the friends we had made together would support my wife. I was completely alone. And totally scared. Spent most of the first few months I was alone waking up in the wee hours of the morning with anxiety attacks, crying myself back to sleep.

 

Would I have left if I knew what I would go through? Absolutely. It was all about being honest to myself and living my life according to my values. I count myself incredibly blessed that I'm in a wonderful relationship so soon after leaving my marriage. My point is, I didn't know when a relationship would happen - whether it would be the three months it actually was, or three years, or thirty years.

 

I would choose over and over again to live alone for the rest of my life than to live as a gay man in a marriage with a wonderful woman. I owe myself the honesty and above all, I owe my ex-wife that honesty. To be lonely as a single man is manageable, but to have continued to be lonely in a marriage was untenable to me.

 

To me, living alone has been about learning to accept myself, to set my fears behind me. It's been about me liking me. It's about making and treasuring new friends. (One of the great things about being gay is that you get to hug all your friends to show you care about being with them :-) )

 

The step of leaving and moving out was anxiety-ridden. Every moment was conflicted with a thought - is this really the right thing to do - the only way? It was a more traumatic time than I believe my coming out to my family this weekend is going to be. It was, more than anything, about overcoming my fear of being totally alone after almost 43 years of constantly being surrounded by family of one sort or another.

 

Final comment, Spiro - I've found that I had to find my own happiness, and that it had to come from within. While I am 43, if I had been 33 or 23 or 63, and not realized that I was responsible for my own happiness in whatever form, rather than expecting a community to provide my happiness, I would still be miserable. As you suggested, regardless of age, sex is out there for the having, but happiness isn't. After knowing I was gay for the last 30 odd years, the sense of contentment I feel now is overwhelming. I have not had a moment's thought of "rolling back the clock". I'm still often anxious, still lonely at times, but I have never regretted taking control of my life, my happiness, my sexuality.

 

That's my life and my thoughts. Sorry it's so wordy.

 

Hugs to all.

 

Allan

[Guest allansmith63]

RE: Further questions

 

;-)

[Guest JT]

RE: Further questions

 

>There has been no greater moment

>in my life when a

>wonderful man leaned over last

>week and whispered in my

>ear "I love you".

 

Congrats and Amen!

 

 

>Thanks for listening, guys.

 

Thanks for sharing, Allan! :-)

 

JT

[Godiva]

RE: Further questions

 

Hey Spiro3..Thanxs for sharing your story here..In answer to your question...have you had a discussion with your wife as to what you both are gonna do. Will she let you continue your hobby or will you have to stop..

 

Godiva