Moving to Montreal because of a dancer

[Guest nick]

Just like some of you guys, I visit the strip bars in Montreal often. It was in "Campus" where I met this dancer that changed my life. He did a private show for me and we've been seeing each other for six months now. He even calls me in San Francisco (where I live) on a regular basis. I will be moving to Montreal (I have Canadian citizenship) because of him but I do not know if he has romantic feelings for me...he evades the question everytime I ask him.

 

I know some of you are much older than me (i'm in my 20's) and have been in this situation.Is it worth to move even though I'm not sure of his feelings for me? Of course the decision is still mine but I would just like to get your opinions...Please.

[shy]

nick, pardon my bluntness, but moving to montreal strictly "because of him" when he evades the question of caring for you seems on the surface to be very stupid, bordering on ludicrous. more detailed information about the entire situation would need to be provided for any reasonable opinions or comments to be offered, i would think.

[Will]

Dear Nick, you might be able to answer the question for yourself if you put it to the dancer as well. For instance, you could say, "I'm thinking about moving to Montreal just because I want to live closer to you. What do you think about that?" His answer should tell you a lot.

 

But not enough. One of the reasons the "gay" twenties are different from the "straight" twenties is that gay teenagers rarely learn how to date like so-called normal people. And one of the reasons we can talk (too much, in my view) about the "gay community" is because there are people like you, who ask questions, and people like me, who try to answer them. And my answer is just that -- an attempt to see your dilemma through my experience. In other words, I am NOT giving you advice.

 

For instance, every gay man has the right as well as the need to know how the object of his affections feels about him. But this isn't something that most of us reach adulthood realizing about ourselves. And even if we do, it's easy to avoid knowing the truth, because the truth is so often so painful. It may be painful, or maybe just difficult to figure out; but it is far more painful for me to act on my own initiative *as though* I were responding to someone else's than it is for me to bite the bullet and just not do it.

 

You might also ask your friend to be very precise in telling you why he calls you in San Francisco.

 

Most of all: you know the truth about your feelings. You have every right to know the truth about his, too, before you commit yourself to a course of action whose potential to diminish your self-respect may be far greater than its potential to enhance your self-respect.

[bill]

Nick, if you have a professional relationship with him now, and want to move so you can continue the professional relationship more frequently, you will probably be OK. If you are moving because you expect him to announce his undying love for you and do it with you without charge, you should confirm that with him first.

[Guest Ken]

Are you out of your mind? This remark may be viewed as being negative but.....you are dealing with a "stripper" who makes his money from people like you. If he can entice a few people like you to be "regular clients", the better for him. Sure, undoubtedly he may like you but do you really believe that he is in love with you? I think you know the answer to the question you ask about how he feels about you.....if he really were in love with you, he wouldn't hesitate or evade the answer. Moving from SF to Montreal is a BIG MOVE. The economy in Montreal is not very good and getting a job may proove to be very difficult.AND, just suppose that he is in love with you.....are you willing to let him continue with his job of stripping at Campus? Stripping is the least of it. These are many questions to ponder and your youth may be prompting you to go ahead and do the move and HOPE THAT ALL WILL WORK OUT IN YOUR FAVOR.

Do not, repeat: DO NOT MOVE until you are sure of this guy. Vagueness is NOT THE WAY TO GO. If you must, continue the visits to Montreal over a period of time but don't make a move until you are sure.

[Bilbo]

One other question to ask yourself - Are you plain out bored with where you are living now and just using him as an excuse to get yourself moving? I was a bit like that at your age. If so, go on ahead, but just try to remember to focus on the excitement and romance of the new city as a whole as well as the feelings you have around this guy. (Which would be a good thing to do even if you examine the question and find that yes, you really are moving mostly for the guy.) I know that many of us think of SF as a gay mecca and have trouble thinking of any gay man wanting to move away from there, but it does happen every day.

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

nick,

 

Follow your heart only if your head is in charge -- that is, be prepared for the downside in this relationship should it occur.

 

You have received many thoughtful comments on both sides of the question. Ultimately, you must do what makes you happy and comfortable. Life is a gamble, so you should play those games that maximize your odds for success, but always be prepared to loose. And should you play this hand, plan your actions to minimize loss, in this case do your homework beforehand about jobs, living accommodations, etc. and have a backdoor out of this situation if necessary. This may seem quite calculated but falls can be very hard -- as I said ...only if your head is in charge.

[Guest boyet]

Thought about your moving to Montreal

 

First, this is NOT an advice. These are just my thoughts that hopefully, you will take it very seriously. I believe that you should look at more angles before you make this drastic move. Following what your heart dictates will not always make you happy.

 

No doubt you two are sexually compatible. This is probably why he calls you too. He enjoys having sex with you (well you are young and probably good-looking!) and also talking to you too. And who knows, maybe this is his way of treating clients he like. Asking him why he calls you may not yield a truthful answer, so you have to rely on your gut feel as to what really his motive in calling you. He is a dancer and as such, he is an entertainer and an actor as well (most are!). It could be tough to find out if someone is telling the truth or not. What you see outside could be very deceiving. So beware. Dancers/escorts are not meant to be taken seriously but there are always exceptions.

 

Do you have a good job right now that you really like? Are you bilingual? Being a Candian is not enough to land you in a good job in Montreal.

I presume you are still paying him to have sex with him. This alone will mean there is no love

involved. Can't you find a line between having someone for relationship and someone just for sex?

 

 

Assuming you are rich and don't need to work in Montreal, then go on and move to Montreal. However, if you need to work, then how can you have him for sex? You may find a low-paying job (blue-collar) but how can you afford him? Also bear in mind that this relationship can be short-lived. Is this what you are looking for?

 

Let's say you are rich and don't have to work, then go on. But be ready for more headaches and heartbreaks. You will have sexual satisfaction, but I am pretty sure you'll have relationship problems with him, expecially if you are the jealous type. He is a dancer, and he meets lots of new clients. One day, he'll meet a filthy rich, young, good-looking, muscled guy and great in sex (than you are). What will you do? If this is what you are looking for, then go on, don't worry, be happy. Just be aware of the consequences. I know some people are hard to understand. I know a girl who still loves a guy even if this guy spends all his money for his friends and leave nothing for her. He can't even buy an ice cream for her.

 

The bottom line is. It really depends on your priorities, sex, job, etc. I understand why at times or oftentimes, we know we shouldn't do this or that, but we are still doing it. However, you are young (which you emphasized), so you deserve someone who will love you as you will love him, not someone who will probably just use you.

 

Him being a dancer, it can tell you a lot of things what kind of a person he is. Ask yourself, why would he be a dancer/escort? Because he probably loves having sex (with many) and still makes lots of money. Not all dancers are like that though, OK?

 

Why not try suggesting to him to move to SF and dance there? I am sure he'll make lot of money.

If he goes to school, he can take a leave for a semester. It's easier for him to move. Dancers move a lot from one place to another.

 

Or better still, why not invite him to SF? If he likes what he sees, he'll reside there for a while and you 'll have the chance to get to know him more and you'll have him for sex.

 

You can find out more about him by revealing who he is. I am sure there will be more revelations about this guy. Who knows, you may also find out that he does only call but his many clients as well.

[Bilbo]

RE: Thought about your moving to Montreal

 

Please notice how we are all trying to figure out so many details that you either do not know or left out. (You could, of course, just be jacking our strings, but we'll ignore that in favor of an interesting thread.) I agree that inviting him to pay his own way to SF might be a lot of fun and quite instructive. But if it is that you are getting homesick for Canada and want to move away from the big city - Well, we know that you are young, good looking, and adventurous. And most of us are assuming that you will be needing to find a job. What would your reaction be to entering his field - either dancing or escorting? And what would his reaction be if you did, both what you think it might be and then what he says when you ask him?

[Guest nick]

RE: Thought about your moving to Montreal

 

I really do appreciate all your good advises. I will keep them in mind when I make my final decision.

 

As far as being homesick for Canada, my answer is a big no. If ever I decide to move to Montreal, it would just be because of that dancer. He's the bodybuilder version of Ben Affleck (in my opinion) that's why I just cannot let him go plus he has a nice personality.

 

Regarding finding a job once I am in Montreal. Yes, I will definitely need a job there because I am not rich. I can never do stripping as a job for I do not have the courage and am a very shy person.

 

I know I'm so impulsive because I am younger than you guys and that dancer (he's 25). I know that is not an excuse but I do not have much experience in life. I've been visiting strip clubs there in Montreal to have fun. It just so happened that someone came into my life. To answer your curiousity if I'm still paying him for sex, sometimes he takes the money, sometimes he doesn't..

 

thanks

 

nick

[Traveller]

RE: Thought about your moving to Montreal

 

I'd kill you if you didn't taste like chicken. Priceless. Hoo, it doesn't take you an hour and a half to watch Sixty Minutes. Nick, breathe in and out several times and come back to earth. Jupiter is not as fun as people say it is.

 

Later.

[Guest LITTLEANTNEE]

bill has an excellent answer here. And beware of rash decisions in your 20s. Even if he says he loves you, and the feelings appear to be mutual, act with caution. Great sex and short-term infatuation may not lead to a healthy long-term relationship. Good luck with your decision.