My Story: Internal Conflicts and the Thrill of Paying

[Guest Viking]

(I confess I'm doing a bit of double posting. I first posted some of what follows in the "Age of Men Who Hire Escorts" just as it was dying--it was the last message (#72) posted and I think I was about the only person who read it.)

 

I'm curious if others here can connect with my experience of sometimes feeling conflicted about hiring escorts, and also with the experience that paying for sex, rather than just a necessary bother, can actually be a big part of the turn on.

 

One of the things I liked about my one and only visit to the Gaiety and hiring a dancer for a "private" was that I got to see what I was getting (rather than a just a picture in a magazine or on a website) and that I didn't have the time to sit around and worry about it and whether I should spend the money and was it the right thing to do, etc. I was there, he was there, I was horny, had money in my pocket, instinct took over, and everything happened in the moment and before I could worry myself into paralysis.

 

I don't hire escorts very often. Partially it's a lack of money--I'm an underpaid college professor with 2 kids and an exwife.

 

I also have this conflict about paying (and anonymous sex in general)--you know, sex "should" be an expression of love and commitment between two people. On the other hand, trying to find a sober, drug-free, employed, relatively emotionally healthy guy to whom I'm attracted is much easier said than done! And I came of age during the sexual revolution, and I still like anonymous, recreational sex--even thoguh part of me says I shouldn't.

 

The first time I hired a guy for sex, it was with a street hustler. I was about 22, quite attractive, and often picked up guys in the bars in Baltimore where I was living. But that night I had had no luck at the bars.

 

He was a very attractive masculine looking young guy, "Steve," supposedly straight. I spotted him on a street near where I lived as I was driving home. I drove around the block a few times before I got the nerve to pull up by him.

 

I was very turned on by the novelty, the illegality, and the hint of danger. And very much by paying itself, and by getting to suck off a supposedly straight guy who I would not otherwise get to be with. As my therapist would tell you, I have "control issues."

 

Even though orally servicing a guy seems submissive, and is, on one level, the financial aspect gave me a feeling of control and dominance--here I had this hot guy naked in my bed, his dick, his most private part, in my mouth, and he's having to fantasize about his girlfriend or whatever in order to ejaculate for me. So there was this delicious element of dominance over him. I had been one of those 90-lb. weaklings in middle and high school, getting beat up by the type of guy who was now working to cum in order to earn a little of my money. I was really turned on by the experience, and I can still clearly remember the feel of his cock in my mouth, as if it happened yesterday.

 

Paying for sex like that did trigger some issues for me (besides paying-for-it-is-bad). Did it mean I was getting old and unattractive? My neighborhood had a lot of street hustlers back then (late 70s), and when I was in college, walking to or from a bar wearing tight jeans, I had occasionally been honked at by johns cruising the neighborhood.

 

So one night after having hired Steve, and when I was very drunk, I decided to do a little test. I went and stood on a corner often used by hustlers (though none were there that night). And sure enough, a guy pulled up (in a chauferred limo, no less) and wanted to hire me. He was quite large and the thought of it turned me off, since I was only turned on by thin guys my age or younger--plus I was so drunk I doubted I could get or stay hard anyway--so I waved him away and he drove off looking most offended. (I often have felt bad about that--it must have been awful to think you'd been rejected by a street hustler!)

 

5 years later I was married, having been through a trying-to-be-straight phase. My wife and I had an agreement that I could have sex with men as long as I practiced safe sex and didn't get emotionally involved. I was in NY on business, tried hooking up with someone "for free" from personal ads, but it was so time consuming, and I knew bars would be, too, and could be fruitless. So I went to the escort ads in the Advocate (back when The Advocate still had personal ads) and found a guy. It was a dissapointing encounter in some ways, because the guy never got hard and had "attitude." But he was very muscular, and when he jerked me off as I felt and held his muscles, I had an orgasm so powerful I can still remember it. At that time I was so conflicted about my gay feelings, especially being attracted to muscles, and it was such a relief to just feel my own sexual feelings. And there was that control thing again, too. A hot guy who made it clear he didn't find me attractive--and I had him posing and flexing for me, and beating me off, and letting me feel all his muscles. Ah, the power of money.

 

Then I found a lover for a while, then I tried to be monogamous for a while, than I had another lover, and then he and I broke up and my wife and I decided the marriage wasn't really working.

 

I was on another business trip, this time to Seattle, staying at the Hilton, and had this fantasy of having a call boy come to my room after I had spent the night at the opera. I had tried for "free" sex first, and had a dissapointing time at a very seedy bath house one night. And trying to find the right bar to go to, and to find a guy I was attracted to, etc., seemed like it would be a crap shoot and an enormous time killer.

 

Even though I was VERY nervous about it, I broke through my fear and called an agency in the afternoon and made an appointment for that night. Right on time, an adorable young man, "Nicholas" appeared at my door.

 

I still had on my suit and looked (if I say so myself) great. We had a drink, then started making out. He got very hard right away, and we had utterly fantastic sex. This time, the turn on for me came from him seeming so turned on by me--much to my surprise and delight.

 

I've had sex with more guys than I could ever remember, guys I picked up in bars, guys in baths, guys I met on the net, guys someone introduced me to. I've had lovers and one-night stands and quickies in the steam room.

 

When I think about what were my most enjoyable encounters--ones where I was really turned on and excited--my few experiences of paying for sex are all on the list.

 

Now my financial situation is improving, and I'm looking forward to being able to occasionally treat myself to good sex with a young man whose body really turns me on.

 

Well, sorry to be so long winded! Does anyone out there connect either with my conflicts or with getting turned on by paying?

 

--Viking

[Guest Tex]

Yeah, it's thrilling, but I'd probably also get a BIG thrill out of killing a few ex-boyfriends, so a healthy perspective is probably important.

 

Basically, I think hiring dick is (sometimes) a fetish. Be careful. A fetish can be dangerously self-destructive, or wonderfully fulfilling. Though I too often try to falsely justify paying for sex, when I consider the situation truthfully I find that I don't "need" escorts as much when my self-image is relatively good.

 

Of course, we all do things for different reasons.

 

Good luck.

[+ Charlie]

Internal conflicts

 

No.

[CT Dick]

There have been dozens of threads on this site dealing with reasons to hire an escort. MY personal reasons include lack of time and interest in going to bars. Hatred of all that smoke. Avoidance of rejection/frustration, etc.

 

Those issues are all for you to figure out for yourself.

 

You mentioned an intersting element: your control issues When you hire someone, you are in control. Giving orders, even when in a bottom role, can feed into your control need. Hired boys are much easier to order around than equals picked up in a bar.

 

This reason alone should justify your use of rentboys.