Why do you hire escorts?

[Guest KJ]

This is the most informative, and thought-provoking thread on the BB yet. And I appreciate the level of thought that has gone into the responses. It's been too easy to assume that everyone has the same reason I do. The one thing that most struck me, when I started reading the reviews here on a regular basis, is how young many of the reviewers are. As one in his early 50's, I guess I had assumed that most johns were 40's and above.

 

I hire escorts because I am not attracted to men my own age. Even though the affection is more important to me than the body, without that lean torso and model's face, the idea of getting into bed with another seems almost repulsive. I know this hangup is not in my best emotional interest. But I have been finding sex and companionship this way for quite a while and it makes me very, very happy. There's something satisfying in knowing that I have "dated" some beautiful young men. In my 20's, I was a closeted teacher at a private school, so I didn't date then. I guess I'm making up for lost time.

 

I can easily afford the escort lifestyle. And I have none of the after-the-fact emptiness that Hooboy and others have mentioned. Maybe that's because I tend to find a young man whom I can see over and over and I stick with him for a year or longer. (I am happy to say that I live in a big, gay-friendly city where the stable holds a wide selection of eligible stallions.)

 

As a postscript, let me say that an unexpected part of the happiness that I have received from my years of encounters is the respect I have for those young men who take me in their arms. While not all escorts are worthy of this praise, most have provided a service I could not have found elsewhere. My life would be the less for not having met them. It's true that they were paid very well for their time and participation, but that doesn't diminish my gratitude. In the end (no pun intended), the basic arrangement is two men being nice to each other, and what can be more wonderful and more natural than that?

[CT Dick]

Paul, I felt the same loneliness after anonymous sex. I'd be out tricking and then come home and beat off. Sex without love has a down side. But, life without sex does, too.

[Guest JayMI]

Yes, this is a very thought-provoking topic. My own reason for hiring escorts is similar to those that many others have given. I am involved in a very long-term relationship (since I was 18!) that provides me the love and emotional nurturance that I need, but no longer the sexual excitement. So escorts serve that function for me.

 

My need for sexual excitement is a little complicated, however, because, although I remain very attractive and quite capable of enticing attractive men to my bed, the kind of men I find most attractive and the kind of sex I find most exciting are more easily attained through escorts or street hustlers.

 

I suffer somewhat from that British malady of romanticizing the "lower classes." So I prefer sex with "straight trade" or with young toughs who will permit me to worship them and exhibit the submissive side of my personality. As it turns out, I have had some wonderful relationships with these men over the years, and some of them have become friends even as the sexual dimension of our relationships have diminished. These commercial relationships have also caused some heartache as well--mostly through observing the self-destructive behavior of some of these guys, who often find themselves in various kinds of trouble without every fully understanding how they got there. In total, however, my fetish has enriched my life and I have enjoyed watching some of these "hustlers" become mature and responsible adults, so I have no regrets. I hope--and believe--that I have also contributed something good to them as well.

[Guest Shooter]

I know I'm going to regret this but, here goes. Why do I hire an escort? After 35 years, maybe a midlife crisis? Who knows.

 

It's important to note that, until I first met with the escort I see about once a month, I believed all the stereotypes of gay men and I hated them (Yes, hate is an awfully strong word) and, because I knew that wasn't me, felt in the minority of the minority. So, I learned many years ago to 'enjoy' myself. Not merely beat off but have hot solo sex.

 

I'm not sexually driven enough to do it strictly for sex. I enjoy the physical but, the emotional and psychological lift is far more important to me. And, I think because those things are so important, I do not experience any let down when I leave as some have noted here. On the contrary, I feel a high for several days. The only down side is, I do not have the advantage of e-mailing him twice a day or calling on the phone just to talk, whether about the weather, what kind of pj's he wears, or personal feelings. Those you need a real friend for. As MiamiLooker pointed out, and I confirmed, on a previous thread: 'it sounds more like you're looking for a friend than a temporary companion'.

 

I don't expect many of you to understand where I'm comin' from because, it is clear to me at least from the posts here, we don't live in the same world or value the same things. While I realize there are some places in this country where homosexuals are accepted and free to be themselves, there are far more places where prejudice reigns. So, slam me for not being an 'out and proud' gay man and for seeing my escort as a friend. Those are facts! My family is more important to me than my sexuality and intrinsic qualities far more important than physical.

 

Shields up, Scotty! Shooter :-)

[Boston Guy]

Where we are so far...

 

LAST EDITED ON Apr-17-00 AT 04:39PM (EST)[p]I thought it might be illuminating to go back and sift through the responses to see if there were patterns developing. And, indeed, that's exactly what I found.

 

As it turns out, although we hire escorts for many reasons, it seems as if there are two camps developing: those who hire escorts for "emotional" reasons and those who hire them for "physical" reasons.

 

The guys in the first camp hire escorts for reasons that broadly fall into the following categories:

 

1. They are in a place or a position where they are geographically or culturally isolated from other gay men and believe, rightly or wrongly, that they cannot find a boyfriend/lover in the place where they live.

 

The guys in this camp are not particularly happy and speak of isolation and depression. They are generally not in committed relationships with others, yet they think they would like to be. Terms like "bewildered isolation," a "sense of depression," and "desperation" seem to be characteristic. These men have pointed out that they choose to live where they live for reasons that are important to them (i.e., family, work) but nonetheless deeply feel their isolation. One of the posters remarked that "wherever we live we really live in our own heads and the desert can be of our own making," hitting the nail on the head by pointing out that it's possible in at least some cases that there is a disconnect between what the person thinks he can do or is available to him and what really may be. But, even then, a desert of one's own making can be as dry as the other kind.

 

2. They have negative self-image that ranges from simply viewing themselves (accurately) as getting older or flabbier to thinking that they are "no longer attractive" to having "an extremely damaged self-image." In at least one case, the gentleman has used escorts to help rebuild his self-confidence and reports that it is working. Related to this is the desire to hire escorts because although one may see oneself as being reasonably attractive for one's age and situation, one still knows that there is no reasonable chance to have sex with hot, young guys without hiring them.

 

Some of the guys hire escorts for reasons that fall into both of the broad categories above as well as some of the other categories listed below: we are, after all, complicated human beings. Some of the guys who hire escorts for emotional reasons find the experience exhilarating and it leaves them with a "high" for several days afterward. More, however, are left discouraged and depressed, most likely because they are once again alone.

 

The guys who hire escorts for "physical" reasons fall into these categories:

 

3. It's easy and convenient. One poster said "they don't bitch and moan and it's cheaper than a boyfriend." (I thought that was particularly succinct! :-))

 

4. They are fulfilling a fantasy or just having fun. The word "fantasy" figures often into various replies and seems to intermingle with all of the other reasons. Some guys have made a hobby of hiring escorts and enjoy seeking them out, researching them, planning a vacation around them, etc. One man pointed out that he liked hot sex with strangers without strings; another said "it's easy, it's fun and I can afford it."

 

5. They like guys other than their peers. Some guys said that hiring escorts was the only way to have access to younger guys. One man said he found the idea of having sex with men his age (in their 50's) "repulsive." And another told of his liking for "street trade" -- tougher young guys in "lower classes" who would allow him to explore his submissive side.

 

6. They are already in a long-term (in some cases decades-long) or otherwise committed relationship that is not fulfilling them sexually. These men usually specifically mentioned that they are not looking for or even want to avoid emotional involvement or attachment. Usually they said they were happy with their relationship and in love with their partner. Most, for obvious reasons, were in gay relationships but one man was married to a woman. These men do not want to threaten their "primary bond" and some mentioned that their partner also hires escorts, although they do not do so together.

 

7. In between these two camps seem to be the folks (like myself) who travel frequently and hire escorts while staying in hotels. The reasons these men hire escorts seem to be related to both the boredom and loneliness that often accompanies frequent business travel (an emotional need) as well as a desire to fulfill a fantasy and/or have hot sex with available younger guys (a physical need).

 

I understand that my distinction between "emotional" and "physical" reasons is extremely arbitrary and that all of them have both emotional and physical contexts and components. However, the reason I drew this distinction is to try to make more readily apparent a further distinction between the two groups: the men in my "emotional" camp are not generally happy or satisfied with their lives, while the men in the "physical" camp seem more likely to be happy.

 

Which might then lead one to wonder if hiring escorts was emotionally healthy for the second camp but maybe not so healthy for the first: are the guys in the emotional camp using escorts as a substitute for other things that may be missing in their lives (or they perceive to be missing), most obviously a committed relationship with another person? And, if so, is hiring escorts providing them with short-term satisfaction while leading them down a path that will ultimately prevent them from attaining the very thing they actually want?

 

The answer for some may obviously be no. But, for others, I'm not so sure. And, in some cases, the person believes pretty strongly that no matter what the case, they have no other real options for any of a number of reasons, most of which are due to isolation, prejudice around them and/or a negative self-image. For these men, if an alternative were available, it would seem that they would both be willing and happy to try to take advantage of it and, if it were to lead to a relationship with someone else, they would see that as a good thing.

 

Comments?

[Will]

RE: Where we are so far...

 

Until this morning (it is Tuesday, April 18th where I live), I don't think I have read a single word by Boston Guy that I did not both admire and want to emulate. But now I have. As a member of his first category -- and a vocal member, I might add -- I want to comment on his general characterization of the men in my "group," namely, those who hire escorts for "emotional" reasons.

 

One: When I wrote that rather extended, to say nothing of rather public, revelation of my private life, I was offering it in a straightforward attempt to be honest and helpful in the discussion initiated by Boston Guy. In it, I spoke of my situation as I see it, as my (mostly straight) friends see it, and indeed as other men in similar situations generally see it. If there was one word, one syllable even, of self-pity in my remarks I can only say that it slipped in without my noticing it and certainly without my intending it. I do not, in fact, feel sorry for myself, not do I regret the life I live.

 

Two. When I submitted the posting, I did not stop to think that my assessment of my own life would be subject to evaluation and oblique criticism by people who do not know me except under the extremely rarified conditions of this board. In my dealings with others, including others who post here, I try very hard not to give unasked for advice and not to suggest in some roundabout way that someone's difficulties are of his own making.

 

Third. I did, in fact, explicity ask for advice in a question to Boston Guy that he has not answered, and to which he has referred only in passing, in a comment to another poster's remark that deserts can be of our own making. Believe it or not, that little truism was not news to me.

 

Fourth. I am not unhappy, not depressed, not desperate. There have been periods, sometimes extensive periods, when I have been depressed; I had good reason to be depressed; and the reasons were so good that I developed chronic cyclical major depression, which is something I have learned to live with. However, this is a medical condition, not a self-inflicted punishment for "unhealthy" choices, and therefore impermeable by a steady downpour from the clouds of platitudes that are gathering on the horizons of this thread. When I said that I had come across the idea of hiring escorts out of desperation, I meant only that I had realized that the only way I could assure myself of the emotional and -- yes indeed -- physical pleasures I need was to hire escorts. Whatever emotional encumbrances there may be in my dealings with escorts are no different in any way from my emotional difficulties with other people. I can no more escape from myself with an escort than I can with my best friend. Anybody of voting age should know that.

 

Fifth. Although it is true that the course of my erotic life thus far has not been satisfactory, my erotic life is not the only life I have. I enjoy the warmth and intimacy of many close friendships; I have a rich and profound spiritual life; I am a member of a community of people who are committed to healthy relationships with themselves and each other; I am an extremely successful professional man whose career actually requires him to live for extended periods of time in some of the most interesting places in Europe; I have a host of friends in several countries of the world; I enjoy a comfortable income and look forward to the rest of my life on the eve of my sixtieth birthday.

 

Sixth. Before any reader of these postings, no matter how well-intentioned, starts passing out veiled suggestions that someone else's difficulties are as it were his own fault, he should ask himself the following: (a) have I myself experienced such feelings?; (b) do I know from my own subjective situation something of the day-to-day conditions under which this other person lives?; © is my desire to be "helpful" a masked desire to patronize?; (d) how would I feel if someone said these things about me? In other words, make sure that you're not passing out a tray of bromides to the less fortunate with all the grandiose hauteur of a comic-strip butler.

 

Seventh. Most important of all: I hope that readers will notice something here, something that is so typically male (and I'm a man, too, so I'm not letting myself off the hook) that it fairly drips with testosterone. It is this. Men who reveal their vulnerability, their weakness, their secret longings are described as "unhappy" and their unhappiness is characterized as a form of self-willed weakness. On the other hand, men who are proud of their sexual success on both the emotional and erotic level, and who are being "healthy" by seeking intimacy and comfort only when they are tired and bored after a long day's work in a strange city, these are the men who are "happy" because, apparently, they are in control, invulnerable, on top of things.

 

Meanwhile, I'll stay over here on the sidelines with the other weak-kneed sissies who deserve to be there, while you sexual he-men scratch your balls and slap each other on the fannies as you congratulate yourselves out there on the playing field. Pissed off? You bet.

[Guest Shooter]

What he said!

 

LAST EDITED ON Apr-18-00 AT 03:46AM (EST)[p]The professor spoke very eloquently and I can't really expand on it. While I'm fairly certain BostonGuy, who is a great guy, did not intend to offend anyone, I pretty much bet that revealing a deeper 'reason' for hiring an escort, beyond carnal desire, would be inviting ridicule. I believed, however, that others out there might feel the same way and would like to know they're not alone. I took the chance and accept the consequences of exposing my vulnerability. One note though, and a fair warning, if any of you guys ever meet me face to face and call me a 'sissy', this sensitive guy will rip your nuts off and shove them down your throat. :o

 

Shooter :-)

[Guest Jake]

RE: Where we are so far...

 

I learned my lesson awhile ago. I will not reveal my inner feelings for the amusement of and evaluation by others. Patronizing is an apt word and one I used earlier. There is much to be said about the cruelties we inflict on one another under the guise of intellectual bantering. It is supremely sad.

[Guest JayMI]

RE: Where we are so far...

 

On the one hand, I as always admire the keen analytical mind that Boston Guy displays and I think he fairly interpreted the data that we supplied him. I also think that, without meaning to, he did sound patronizing to those whom he classed as unhappy (perhaps unintentionally suggesting that they were *inadequate*). So I recognize the genuineness of Will's response. I think we need to be very sensitive to each other on this board, especially in cases where we are being honest and unguarded and thereby render ourselves vulnerable. And we of all people should be very cautious about drawing broad conclusions about people based on what is after all an important but nevertheless small aspect of our lives. But after having observed Boston Guy's postings for a long while, I know that he would not knowingly offend anyone.

 

Quite apart from the too glib diagnoses drawn in BG's otherwise excellent analysis, I think the revelations of this thread have been fascinating. It is clear that hiring escorts fills a number of different needs for us. Indeed, these responses vividly confirm what I already knew--that prostitution is a social good, however bad many of its side-effects in the larger society may be. (In speaking of negative side-effects, I am thinking primarily of heterosexual prostitution and pimps and drug-dealing, etc.) I suspect that serving as an escort also fills a range of different needs as well. I would love to hear from escorts on this subject.

[Boston Guy]

I apologize

 

To Will, Shooter (and any others who might have been offended):

 

First, I apologize if I have offended you -- and it certainly seems I have. I hold you in quite high regard and I most certainly did not intend to ridicule or put down any member of this community.

 

Second, my intention on trying to summarize what had been posted was this: I found myself amazed at the replies coming to this thread, not only the length of the average reply but also the extent to which the posters were revealing of themselves. But I also found myself starting to get lost in the details. The main reason that I started this thread was not prurient, but because I found myself wondering if there might be a way for us to collectively help each other.

 

The replies to the thread seemed sort of all over the board -- some guys were hiring escorts for kicks, others because they lived a long way from large cities, etc. So I thought it would be helpful to me, and possibly others, to try to group the responses.

 

If I had known that I was going to offend people, or even appear to put down or ridicule the way they are choosing to live their lives, I most certainly would not have posted a thing, for that is diametrically opposed to the intent I had when I originally started this thread.

 

I was not trying to offer advice to anyone in my post. In fact, I tried to be as "organized" as possible in collecting the information and presenting it. I guess what I was hoping was that others would then run with the ball and offer some suggestions on where to go next.

 

Next, Will, I know that you asked an explicit question that I have not answered. It's not because I haven't thought about it -- trust me. I even got onto Yahoo to see if I could find college towns with sizeable gay communities within a reasonable drive of you (Lansing was the best I could do). But I have thought about your situation a great deal, in no little part because I like and admire you. As I said, I was hoping some concrete suggestions were going to come eventually from this long thread. I had even wondered if maybe it would be a good idea for HB to create a separate forum to help guys in locations that are not near large cities perhaps locate others with similar interests near them. I wish had the knowledge or ability to answer your question more directly; I do not.

 

I regret that my characterization of "emotional" and "physical" seems to have been taken as "good" and "bad", for that implies a moral judgment I did not and do not feel. Perhaps I should chosen other words that are less loaded. But go back and read all of the original posts again and you will see, I think, what I saw: a lot of the guys who posted who were not in relationships were using escorts to help satisfy an emotional need and, in some cases, were fairly or quite unhappy when the escort left.

 

Finally, Will, you ask if I have experienced these feelings, or how I would feel if someone said these things about me? Well, Will, one of the main reasons I joined this board and participate and am trying to understand more about hiring escorts from a non-transactional point of view is to try to understand myself more fully. When I put the "hiring escorts while traveling" group in the middle of the "emotional" and "physical" camps, it was not to suggest this is healthy and balanced; quite the contrary. When I was younger, when I got to a new city I would check into the hotel and go meet people. I'd find a bar or restaurant or whatever and meet new people. If it was a city where I already knew people, I'd be on the phone calling them and setting up things to do. As I get older, I'm much more tired at the end of the day and hiring an escort is easy. But I do not believe that it's such a good choice, in the end, and I do think I am using it as substitute for other, "healthier" activities. To be more specific, I find I meet fewer people these days and consequently end up with fewer friends and associates in the cities I travel to and I regret this. Were I not hiring escorts, I would be forced out of boredom to go out and meet people like I used to. I would once again take more advantage of some of the cultural opportunities in these cities and I would probably work out at the end of more nights. Please note that I mentioned the "lonliness" of business travel; the life I lead is a pretty good one and, like you, I am reasonably happy on balance. Yet, because of the choices I have made, I must travel a great deal and, yes, life on the road can be quite lonely indeed.

 

So, Will and all of the others I guess I have offended, I most certainly apologize to all of you, for it was not my intention to put down or ridicule anyone or hold anyone's dirty laundry up to the light. Rather I had hoped, naively I guess, that by somehow analyzing the reasons that we hire escorts and trying to draw patterns from that information we might begin to better understand some basic questions, including if it's a good thing we do (the answer to which, of course, will be unique to all of us). And perhaps collectively be able to help answer Will's question.

[Guest minstrel]

RE: I apologize

 

I have been away for awhile and have just logged on to find this fascinating thread. I can't pretend to understand all the reasons why people hire escorts, but Will's last posting struck a real chord with me. I can't begin to match his eloquence, but here (for what it's worth) sums up my situation:

 

- I am in my 50's.

- I have a very successful professional life.

- I have lived and worked in 4 continents and have a wide circle of caring/nurturing friends.

- I am involved with and passionate about many things.

- My sex life sucks.

 

So, I hire escorts - and all is well.

 

M.

[Will]

RE: I apologize

 

Apology accepted with open arms. It's practically impossible to talk about deep, serious issues in the weirdly abstract context of an anonymous message board dedicated to guys like us. I knew, and actually wish that I'd made it clearer, that BostonGuy didn't intend any offense whatsoever. I've written him a long (and I mean long!) personal letter (he gave me his e-mail address) spinning out what was to me the real issue in my post yesterday, namely, the kinds of distinctions that men in general -- gay men, straight men, questioning men -- between those of us who appear to be cool, rational, and in charge and those of us who let our emotions show and otherwise let it all hang out. If anybody would be interested to read an edited and shortened version, I'd be glad to post it. Anyhow, let's try to move along with this fascinating subject and be aware that we are all different from each other. The only groups I want to belong to are those for which I volunteer.

[Guest OuterSider]

The first time I hired an escort was in the late 70's I was in the military and was heading to Japan. Got to SF two days before I was to leave and went out the the bars. I saw lots of HOT men but no one wanted a tourist that night. Went back to the hotel with a bunch of the local papers. Flipped through it and saw a pic of someone I deemed extremely HOT and as I had some $ and I wanted to get my rocks off. I called and had a great time! ( Actually some of the best sex to this day ).

 

Now over the past 25 years I've probably hired a total of 10. Most were when visiting LA or SF. The last time had been in 92 until last month.

 

 

 

Too Much Talk and a Lot More Action...