How would you handle this situation

[RittenhouseBob]

I have a dlilemma on which I would appreciate anyone's input and advice but especially from an escort's point of view.

 

I have been seeing the same escort at least once but most times twice a month for four years.

 

A few months ago he asked me if I would take him to a cultural event he wanted to attend and we set the date to go. I purchased the tickets costing $200.

 

I called him three times to let him know I had the tickets. He did not respond.

 

I then called to set up an appointment and he caled me back to confirm.

 

The date of our appointment he stood me up. I called him several times to see if everything was OK as he had never done this before. I also reminded him of our date to go to the concert. I never heard back from him.

 

I called his cell phone one last time to let him know how disappointed I was with him and that I no longer wanted to be in touch with him and told him that since he had chosen to ignore my numerous messages, barring a catastrophe, our professional relationship was over.

 

He called back a day later all apologetic with one excuse after another and several that contradicted the previous excuses. I told him I had enjoyed our raltionship these past four years but it was over.

 

He offered to make it up to me and I asked how. He suggested a $50 discount. I told him the offer insulted me. He asked what he could do to make it up to me since we had been seeing each other for a long time and he considered me a friend. I told him that since I was stuck for $200 in concert tickets I wanted a freebie. He said he could not do that. I told him to call me when he could.

 

Was I unreasonable? How would you handle a long time client in this situation?

[Guest Tall Texn]

I think you handled it correctly. His total disregard for the original appointment, even to the point of ignoring it, and then saying he wasn't about to provide a "freebie" shows his true character.

 

In my books, he should be history.

[Boston Guy]

I wouldn't even have given him the ability to make it up with a freebie.

 

He's treated you badly and irresponsibly. He asked you to take him to an event and then stood you up.

 

His offer of a $50 discount was insulting, as you said.

 

I'd say the ball is in his court. And, if it were me, I wouldn't contact him again. If he contacts you, is truly apologetic and makes some offer that both acknowledges that you have lost $200 because of his actions and offers some reasonable recompense, you might consider it.

 

But it seems that he has not only not cared about the money you have lost, he has not cared about your feelings. He didn't even bother to communicate with you until he realized his was going to lose your business. And the most appalling thing about this situation is that it arose after he asked you for a favor and you went out of your way to grant his request.

 

You're not an ATM machine and there are lots of good escorts. You don't need to make room in your life for someone who treats you so disrespectfully.

 

As for him, he needs to learn how to treat people and, especially, how to treat customers.

 

BG

[FrancoDiSantisxxx]

An Ann Landers Wannabee Answers

 

I do not wish to imply that you are not being fully transparent, as the new phrase goes, just that we need some more details. For example, the cultural event, were the tickets in exchange for his services? Was the escort just asking you to take him as a favor with you to expect nothing in return? I am going to answer you on two levels (but still would prefer more information):

 

If a friend behaved in an indentical manner, without calling in advance to cancel for a good and valid reason and then, as an expression of my concern, I still chose to attempt to contact them to determine what had befallen them and they either avoided or declined to respond to my telephonic concerns, I would be exceedingly livid, and rightly so. However, I would also be curious and wonder what had happened after all this time. Four years is a long time in any relationship and even gay men, who have a well-known proclivity for treating one another like pieces of furniture, to be used and placed or moved at the convenience of another, would not invest the time and energy without the desire for appropriate closure or even the proper respect shown for one another. The one thing human beings often do is use one thing as a substitute for many others: when we argue over the tooth paste cap, or taking out the garbage, our resentments are often based on numerous and myriad other items and simply boil over and come to the fore over something totally unrelated. Given all that, it was still totally unacceptable, unless he was knocked out and in complete traction (or dead) for him not to respond to your calls, but still I cannot help but wonder.

 

The second level is as an escort: to answer your basic question: no, I would not have done anything remotely like this, from asking for the tickets, unless you had requested a cultural evening with me as part of my services and wanted my suggestion, or you simply wanted to give me a gift and despite my numerous and plentiful protestations that I would prefer you to pick out something for me, you simply had to know what I wanted. In that respect, to my eyes, a cultural event I felt we could both enjoy together would be a good solution.

 

With respect to your remaining problem, were I the buyer, I would have simply stuck to my guns under the sentiment of once bitten, twice shy, and struck up the loss of the value of the tickets to one of life's lesson learned. Actually, I would gone with a friend, on standby from the first lack of responsiveness, at short notice, but still. I would not have requested a freebie, I would not have accepted a discounted offer from the escort. I simply would have said a long standing relationship is now over (the Italian in me). But again, this is where I cannot help but feel there is more to the story here than has been posted.

 

I hope for his sake - as well as your own, since you were obviously concerned enough to write the original post - that you get the resolution you need and want.

 

Good luck!

[+ Charlie]

My impression is that both of you seem to be having problems understanding the distinction between a business and a social relationship. He treated you badly in both respects, but your response somewhat compounded the confusion when you demanded a "freebie". I think it probably would be best for you to end both relationships with this person, unless you are willing to sit down with him and really thrash out your perceptions and expectations about one another, and come to an understanding about the nature of your relationship that both of you can live with comfortably.

[ad rian]

>My impression is that both of you seem to be having problems

>understanding the distinction between a business and a

>social relationship. He treated you badly in both respects,

>but your response somewhat compounded the confusion when you

>demanded a "freebie".

 

I think you are right, having just struggled with these issues myself. It is a recurring theme. What happens when escort and client make a very strong emotional/chemical connection that affects the commercial relationship? Trouble! I bet this was not a single of event, but a series of events leading to this climax. I think I know how you feel. You wish that he did not up the ante? He wishes that you would still pay him for "quality" time. Your expectations are beginning to diverge. I think you have to move on. I think once you cross this line it is next to impossible to put the genie back in the bottle. In my own case, after a few months of struggling with this issue, my escort froend now proposes returnoing to the purely commercial relationship. Tough as it is,

I think that you and I have no choice but to move on!

[Guest lipstick]

RE: An Ann Landers Wannabee Answers

 

I'm thinking along the same lines about this as Franco. Four years is a Godawful long time for things to apparently go very smoothly, then to have this type of disruption occur. So I am assuming that there are other things going on that we are not aware of, or perhaps even that client is not aware of.

 

One of the first things I encountered in my days when I dealt with hustlers was that many of them were out to get "stuff" from their johns. I find it very unusual for an escort to ever make a "request" (i.e., on the client's money) of the type described. That would have put me on alert right away.

 

I also think that when both the client and the escort then began "bargining" on how to make things right indicates to me that there wasn't much else beyond a simple business arrangement,

and what the client did was appropriate in that light.

 

I guess the main question for the client is: did all this upset or hurt him? If so, then that's the true problem. It's easy enough to hook up with another escort. It's when the relationship (especially a LONG one such as this) ends on this negative tone that makes things difficult.

[Guest alanm]

There has to be more to this story, even if it's no more than the

relationship has runs its course after four years. Have you noticed

a lack of interest in the escort; he may have a new boy friend. Has

some of the enjoyment gone out of the relationship for you? Four years

is a very long time for a client-escort relationship. It is too bad that it has to end this way. My guess is the escort himself wants to move on.

[Bastian]

Taking the story at face value and from a strictly business view, I can't understand how an escort could ask for an evening out without it being renumeration for escorting. Even if this was just a friendly date with no business involved, after a third attempt for contact was made and ignored, I too would have simply taken my long time stand-by pal in his place, and let the escort know how much fun it was later. Where I think I may be confused is if you actually set up a separate 'strictly business' date in addition to the concert, and it was THAT one that got a response. If so, it certainly tells you where his head is.

 

I'm just a little fumed over hearing about this. I haven't gone to a concert in months, let alone been asked, and some pud is conniving for them and then blowing them off. I hope nothing awful has happened to him, but this would be easier to take if there's more to the story.

 

B

[ad rian]

>Taking the story at face value and from a strictly business

>view, I can't understand how an escort could ask for an

>evening out without it being renumeration for escorting.

 

Here is what I think happened. The escort thought that the guy was lonely, and would enjoy a partner to do something social so he suggested a willingness to go on an outing. He did so without any necessary ulterior motives. Now, the client hears the offer, and thinks, "gosh that would be fun. I guess we have been `'friends' for so long that the escort wants to spend time with me off the clock too."

 

The escort though had no such thought. He was just offering another service that he thought would be welcomed in the same way that credit card companies put annoying ads with promotional offers in your bill. (It takes a while but eventually everyone but trailer trash figures out that the promotions are not deals but marketing devices to get the credit card companies a lot more money. When the escort realized what the client had in mind, he grew uncomfortable, hence the lack of returned calls. It is classic passive-aggresive conflict avoidance.)

 

The bottom line is that both parties were acting rationally, and discussion would have helped. The more I experience and read about thee situations the more I tend to think that even if escorts think they are doing a client a favor by going over a bound of intimacy or stepping too far out of the client/escort commercial relations, they really are not so they should not try to do so.

[RittenhouseBob]

>I think you handled it correctly. His total disregard for

>the original appointment, even to the point of ignoring it,

>and then saying he wasn't about to provide a "freebie" shows

>his true character.

>

>In my books, he should be history.

 

Hey Tex,

 

Thanks for your reply. I know the correct thing was to make him history. The difficulty I had in doing that was that chemistry was good and he was hot. But in the end very inconsiderate.

 

RB

[RittenhouseBob]

>I wouldn't even have given him the ability to make it up

>with a freebie.

>

>He's treated you badly and irresponsibly. He asked you to

>take him to an event and then stood you up.

>

>His offer of a $50 discount was insulting, as you said.

>

>I'd say the ball is in his court. And, if it were me, I

>wouldn't contact him again. If he contacts you, is truly

>apologetic and makes some offer that both acknowledges that

>you have lost $200 because of his actions and offers some

>reasonable recompense, you might consider it.

>

>But it seems that he has not only not cared about the money

>you have lost, he has not cared about your feelings. He

>didn't even bother to communicate with you until he realized

>his was going to lose your business. And the most appalling

>thing about this situation is that it arose after he asked

>you for a favor and you went out of your way to grant his

>request.

>

>You're not an ATM machine and there are lots of good

>escorts. You don't need to make room in your life for

>someone who treats you so disrespectfully.

>

>As for him, he needs to learn how to treat people and,

>especially, how to treat customers.

>

>BG

 

Hi BG,

 

Thanks for your reply. I saw Jason Rylee the last time I was in Boston and had a great time.

 

RB

[RittenhouseBob]

RE: An Ann Landers Wannabee Answers

 

Dear Ann,

 

Many thanks for your insightful reply.

 

Let me add more details.

 

The tickets were understood to be a favor or a tip if you will. No services were to be exchanged for them - the services that night were understood by both of us to be at our usual rate.

 

He had made it clear over the years in almost an obnoxious way that we had a professional relationship. When I offered to hire him to go to dinner or a play he always declined. He is known in the gay community in Philadelphia and feared if we were seen in public by any of his friends he would have difficulty explaining who I was as there is 20 years difference in our ages. No one knew he was an escort and he did have a day job. If anyone knows Philly you know it is a very small town in many ways. I appreciated his honesty and during our four year professional relationship our meetings took place in my home.

 

I was telling him about our new concert hall and he asked if I would take him to a concert there. When I asked if he was concerned about being seen in public with me he said that the chances of his friends being at a cultural event were slim.

 

Your point of "cross-over" in our relationship hit the mark. While he reminded me more than I wanted to hear that we were in a professional relationship - I often wondered who he was trying to convince - me or him.

 

When his father had a heart attack he contacted me and asked if he could come over. We talked for hours and I provided what support I could to help him through that crisis. He also called at times to discuss his day job concerns and ask advice about investments. When my parents died he sent expressions of sympathy and came over to comfort me. All were non- sexual encounters and no money exchanged hands.

 

From my perspective the chemistry was great both in and out of the bedroom.

 

He would also tell me about his bfs and clients. In fact he worked for an agency and set up a separate relationship with me two years into our time together.

 

I also always thought from different signals given over the years that he was obsessed and driven by money.

 

It was clear that he thought of me as a client but also confused me by some of his other actions mentioned above.

 

Truth be told and not trying to sound snobby I would not be able to explain him in my social circle either. We were a total miss match when it came to life experience, education etc etc.

 

I was not looking for a partner. I was looking to be treated with repsect both personally and professionally. I think I am strugging with this because I thought we had a nice rhythm going in a mutually beneficial relationship, not to mention he is incredibly hot.

 

As I said in my original note - the only time I heard from him was when I told him I did not want to see him again. One excuse after another fell from his mouth and were very contradictory. It really mad me angry to think he thought I was that stupid or needy. He had never heard me angry before and i think that threw him.

 

In thae past he never stood me up when we had an appointment but there were times that I would leave messages and he did not call back. When he did call back he woudl say he was having trouble with his cell phone and he never got the message. It happened too often to be true. Sometimes he woudl tell me he was not working that weekend. Yet the agency would call me to say he was on that weekend. While I will not call him a liar, I t hink he manipulated the truth to suit his mood and the situation. As I write this I relaize he did in fact lie on the past and that I am better off not seeing him. Good therapy this website!

 

Perhaps there is more to the story from his side but I surely do not know what it could be.

 

It seems Dear Ann that all the advice I have received so far is that I did the appropriate thing. I probably posted this to gain some validation as I am weakening and starting to think with my hormones rather than my head and my integrity.

 

RB

[RittenhouseBob]

RE: An Ann Landers Wannabee Answers

 

Hey Lip,

 

Yes I was hurt and upset that someone I knew and whose company I enjoyed for 4 years would disrespect me in such a fashion.

 

RB

[RittenhouseBob]

Agreed!!

 

RB

[RittenhouseBob]

Hey Charlie,

 

Thanks for your reply. I think you are correct about the confusion - see my reply to Franco.

 

Since I do not trust him any longer I guess there is no point in trying to make things right.

 

BTW I have moved on to other escorts at the agency.

 

RB

[RittenhouseBob]

Hey Bastian,

 

Thanks for your response.

 

Let me clarify - I did call and make a separate appointment after the concert incident and that was when he stood me up.

 

After being stood up for the concert and stood up for a second date that BTW he confirmed with me the day before I had had enough of being played the fool.

 

Come to Philly honey and I'll take you to a concert

 

RB

[RittenhouseBob]

Thanks for your reply.

 

See my reply to Franco for additional details. I honestly do not think he wanted to move on. I think he just doesn't want to be held accountable for his bad behavior.

 

One of his excuses was that an old bf was in the picture and he was confused - but he is still on the agency website - go figure

 

RB

[mmk]

from what Rittenhouse Bob said, the escort asked him(Bob) to take him(the Escort) to this concert (off the subject, what concert was it, did you go and what was it) Bob complied, purchased tickets and informed the escort a few times that he had tickets and the date of it. (I do not get the impression that Bob intended to go to this concert unless the escort had asked him. I could be wrong about that assumption however.)

 

If the escort was not able to go, he should have told Bob after one of his various phone calls reminding him about the concert. We all have made appointments with escorts and have had cancellations on us. (I have never had a no show fortunately) It does not take a long time for someone to make a phone call and cancel an appointment. Even if it is just an email or a message left on a machine, a message should have been left.

 

I do have to echo some of the questions that were posted before this one though. Were you expecting a free appointment in exchange for the tickets? If that was the case, then you should have been upfront with the escort before purchasing the tickets. If it was just to do something genuinely nice for this escort-after all you did have a four year relationship with this person, even if it was an escort/client relationship, some type of a friendship would have had to develop-then the escort was the one who lost on this deal.

 

I do not lame you for saying you wanted a freebie out of the deal but if the escort would have consented, I truly doubt that it would have been a good experience at all. If he was that inconsiderate of your feelings then I doubt he would have cared about his performance during the "freebie". Even the $50 off deal probably would have been a bad time. There are plenty of other escorts out there who would have more consideration for you and respect for your feelings. Many of them post frequently on this board. Hopefully you live in a city where one of them is located. Sorry about your dissapointment and loss but you are actually better off for it.

 

(And if he calls you back and tries to schedule an appointment-DON'T GIVE IN!!!! Be strong and tell him to fuck off.)

[Guest DevonSFescort]

>Come to Philly honey and I'll take you to a concert

 

You're in luck, RB...Bastian's Philly-based and he's more cultured than yogurt! :+

 

Sounds like you've moved on, which is smart, but while we're still speculating, it sounds like Rx to me. Either a drug problem formerly under control or a new drug he can't handle.

[guyinsf]

I am assuming in my response that the communication prior to your purchasing these tickets was clear in terms of what was agreed upon.

 

His offer of a discount was insulting, and unless the "freebie" you were expecting was an overnight, he was foolish not to accept your offer (assuming he wanted to retain you as a client).

[guyinsf]

Ad rian, I think your last paragraph contains a distinction that often gets lost, and it works the same in a non-commercial relationship as it does in an escort-client relationship:

 

Acting out of one's genuine amiable feelings is different than someone attempting to respond to another person because he believes the other person needs someone to respond to him in that way. The latter isn't genuine; while perhaps well-intentioned, it's actually manipulative and not productive.

 

Since this escort came over to this client's house for comfort and advice (and also went over to the client's house on occasion when the client needed comfort and advice), and none of this was compensated, it doesn't seem like this escort minded spending some time with this client "off the clock." What seems more likely, based on what has been posted thus far, is that the escort (a) is inconsiderate (b) is not a good businessman © got "cold feet" about being seen in public with this client (d) has an Rx problem, as Devon suggested and/or (e) felt like he had not agreed to go to the event with the client and acted as if the best way to deal with what he perceived as pushiness on the client's part was avoiding the issue altogether.

 

(I'm not suggesting that "e" is true, but I know that I must be careful about my perceptions and feelings about the guy I regularly see -- we do have a friendly relationship in addition to a commercial relationship, but most of the time I see him it is because I arranged a paid appointment with him. I think that on a friendship level we are coming from the same place; however, when it comes to our physical relationship, it is clearly me who desires intimacy with him. Desire can be very powerful and I think it's especially important in an escort-client relationship to remember that that might cloud one's judgment and perception of the relationship.)

 

The reason why I posted earlier that I believe a "freebie" would have been an appropriate recompense is that the client did spend $200 on something that apparently did not interest him personally based on the escort's request that he do so. Beyond that, for a client who has spend untold thousands of dollars to be with him over the past four years, giving away one hour of one's time to maintain the business relationship would have been smart -- again, assuming the escort wanted to maintain this relationship. I know that the idea of an escort spending any time "off the clock" with a client gets some guys all riled up, but in my mind there are very few "absolutes" in life.

[Guest Thunderbuns]

RE: An Ann Landers Wannabee Answers

 

>He is known in the gay community in Philadelphia and feared

>if we were seen in public by any of his friends he would

>have difficulty explaining who I was as there is 20 years

>difference in our ages. No one knew he was an escort and he

>did have a day job.

 

I would have found that highly insulting. How about a simple explanation that he was with a friend. Or is one not allowed to have friends older than they are in Philly?

 

>Truth be told and not trying to sound snobby I would not be

>able to explain him in my social circle either. We were a

>total miss match when it came to life experience, education

>etc etc.

 

I assume you are "out" to your friends and although you probably have straight friends, you no doubt have a circle of gay friends as well. So why wouldn't you just tell your friends that he was a "friend" and watch them turn green with envy over your new toy.

 

 

>although I will not call him a liar,

 

Why not? - he obviously is!

 

You mention several times that he was so incredibly hot. I believe you. But I'll bet you a thousand bucks (US$) :-) that he is not the only hottie in Philly.

 

Move on - you have not lost anything that is irreplacable.

 

Thunderbuns

[Guest Thunderbuns]

>BTW I have moved on to other escorts at the agency.

 

Good for you - this must piss him off no end!

 

Thunderbuns

[ad rian]

>Since this escort came over to this client's house for

>comfort and advice (and also went over to the client's house

>on occasion when the client needed comfort and advice), and

>none of this was compensated, it doesn't seem like this

>escort minded spending some time with this client "off the

>clock."

 

I agree. The additional information in Post 11 makes me think that there is probably more here from the escort's side. A lot of that information is relevant. Why wasn't it in the original post?

 

>What seems more likely, based on what has been

>posted thus far, is that the escort (a) is inconsiderate (b)

>is not a good businessman © got "cold feet" about being

>seen in public with this client (d) has an Rx problem, as

>Devon suggested and/or (e) felt like he had not agreed to go

>to the event with the client and acted as if the best way to

>deal with what he perceived as pushiness on the client's

>part was avoiding the issue altogether.

 

I think (e) is more likely here. Post 11 seems to suggest that the idea was the client's idea not the escort's idea as suggested in the original post.